Not with food, or what I weigh, but with accepting myself as I am.
I have noticed that everytime I look in a mirror, I am not looking to see how I appear. I am looking for flaws. A fat roll here, a poochy tummy there, arms that never seem to look like Michelle Obama's...
It's almost as if I want to find something to beat myself up over.
Maybe it's just the period talking, or maybe this is something deeper. Perhaps I have a mindset that needs to be changed. Because one day, I won't have fat or rolls to hide under. I will be the best version of Charlie possible. (It's still pretty far away, but I know I'll get there!) And once the fat is gone, where will I hide?
Will I hide in my inexplicable need to be the perfect wife? I fail miserably at this, but Matt continues to love me through and through, with no expectations. He embraces me better than I embrace myself. No matter what my weight, he believes in me, and wants me to accomplish all I set out to do. He is an unending flow of support for me. I wish I could see the me that he seems to see.
Will I cower under attempting to be a supermom? I struggle with this daily- how much of myself to give to the kids, and how much of myself to keep... it gets rather muddled in there, because kids (no matter what their age) are demanding. They need constantly. I want them to learn to be self sufficient, and yet I struggle with letting them grow up too fast. Mostly, I want them to see a mom who tries her best and doesn't freak out when there are sticky situations. Who hugs without question and isn't afraid to step up to the plate when necessary. Who enforces rules, but loves fiercely. That's how I try to parent, but some days I fall short. Every parent does, I know, but somehow we keep getting up day after day and trying again.
Will I hide under my faith? I could be centered on the rules of my Savior, but instead I choose to focus on his love, his peace, his grace. To know him deeper than I ever though possible- that's what I strive for. I could spend a lifetime with just me and him, but the world keeps turning, and I have to pull my nose up once in a while and see what else is going on. I try so hard to make my actions a ministry, and I fall flat on my faith a lot. I can hide under his wings for a while, but it's a much better view if I walk beside him.
My point is- when it comes down to it all, stripping away the relationships, the kids, the faith- who is under there? A broken little girl who thinks that love is tainted? A strong woman who knows that love covers all?
How do you learn to really love yourself?
I wish I knew the answer to this. It would make life so much simpler. Then I could quit looking in the mirror and finding fault.
This morning during Bootcamp (which was level 7 hell, I tell ya) I struggled. I struggled with negative self-talk, wanting to quit and walkout.
"It's too hard! You could just go home and snuggle in your bed for an hour! Why are you here?"
And as I huffed and puffed through those dang step exercises (which suck because I can't see the steps because of my boobs) I questioned it over and over. Why was I there? Why was I working out like a fool and double timing standing mountain climbers?
Because that's what I am.
I'm a mountain climber.
I've never seen the view at the top before. Sure I've seen pictures, but I've never been there myself. I want to take it all in. Drink up the view of a new me. Know that nobody else could do the work for me. That I pushed myself over and over to get the top. This climb, this journey, THIS DIET- isn't about the weight loss. It's about learning to believe in myself again. Learning how to love myself again.
Because when I love myself-
Marriage gets easier.
Mothering gets easier.
Knowing God gets easier.
Who are you underneath it all? Are you a mountain climber too?
If you aren't, do you want to be?