Sticky situation

If it looks lke I'm mispelling a lot today, I'm not.

Tim spilled chocolate milk onto my keyboard, and now that it's dry when I type really fast like I usually do, some of the letters are stickingand they don't show up. It' very irritating.

Also, my function buttons on the top of the keyboard are stuck down, so everyonce in a while my computer goes into random screens asking me if I relly want to do something like reboot or start my projet over.

So I'm not saying much today until I dig another keyboard out of my basemet.

This is annying.

The Truth Sucks

Where in the world is Charlie?

I know. Nothing since Monday.

Bad blogger…

I have legitimate excuses. But I can’t tell you what they are. Cause I am a woman with some serious secrets. Which makes me feel important. But I’m really not. I know that. I’m normal, just like every other person out there.

So dietey-wise? UG. Not my best week. After my inspirational movie I gave you, was I all strong and empowered?

NOPE.

It’s not too bad, just hanging out back at 170 (tomorrow I will be back at 168 and progress can resume) but I did some emotional eating last night.

I made a comment on chat today with my girl Jia (shameless alternate blog plug: Letters to Jia where we feature the Dirty Diet. Check it out!) that cake is my emotional blankie. It’s my go-to soother. I am a 30 something year old woman, and I still have a pacifier????

This shocks and amuses me. I’m finding out more and more about myself as this journey wears on. My obsession with high carb junk food. My insane cravings. The feeling of deprivation that so consumes my thoughts.

Isn’t what I have in my life enough? I have food to eat, healthy kids, a home, a fantabulous husband, 300 channels on my TV, and internet access 24/7. I have built (from the ground up) a support system that loves my particular brand of crazy and GETS ME. I have friends, family and people cheering me on.

And yet I have a pacifier that comes in a big Peppridge Farms box at my grocer’s freezer.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Why haven’t I looked at it this way before? I need one of those ridiculously big pacifiers they wear at raves (are there still raves happening, or did those stop in the new millennium? I have kids, so I’ve got no clue what happens socially these days outside of book clubs with wine and PTA meetings. With wine) to wear around my neck as a reminder.

I need to start sucking it up.

If I am EVER going to be successful at a) losing the weight, and b) keeping it off, I’ve got to start digging out the big ole truth stick. (Like the one Mr. Echo carried around on Lost)

The truth stick hurts. It says this:

CHARLIE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE WILLING TO DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS WITHOUT GOING TO FOOD FIRST?

The fact is (and I have an ENTIRE blog to prove it) that as long as the going isn’t tough, I can stay focused. As soon as life throws me a hiccup, the tough get cake. Or pizza. Or whatever else is available.

I have long associated my food habit with the feeling of comfort. If I was upset after a long day at school, Margaret the Saint made cookies. When she and I talked about life and the plight of becoming a girl (and all the joys that entail that journey) she and I shared McDonalds fries in the car. I’m NOT blaming my mother for my food habits. The choice to bury my feelings under icing was all me.

But what if I teach that to my daughters? What if I don’t model self-control, patience or forgiveness? What if they see “Mommy cry, Mommy gets cake” and think that’s the way to live? I take responsibility for my role as a parent in health and wellness matters. Once they are on their own, it will be their choice, and they will make their own decisions. But while they are with me for the next 10 years or so, I am doing them a GREAT disservice by associating coping skills with food.

So I am stopping this craziness here. NO MORE.

We are going to take walks when it’s time to talk. We aren’t going to sit in restaurants to spend time to loved ones( well, we will still do that, I’m sure, but we will provide other opportunities to bond and share besides doing it Family Style). I am going to provide my kids with more skills than being the next great baker. They are going to learn how to deal with life, not deal- a- meal- then- deal- with- life.

 It’s time to take my lumps from the truth stick. And as long as the lumps on my thighs go away, I’m totally fine with the pain for now.

PS. Check out Tanya's blog for a chance to win $25 from CSN stores!!! Just one more day to enter, and there's not too many entries yet, so you have a great chance of winning!

Greetings for a Monday Morning

GIVEAWAY of Community

(This post contains gratuitous repetitions of the phrase “FatAss.” Please don’t get your knickers in a twist about it. It's someone's bloghandle.)  

169.6

SOOOOOOOO CLOSE. But no cigar.

So I can’t celebrate all party style like I wanted to today.

But this blog isn’t just about celebrating weight loss success. We can also celebrate the fact that I’m getting less neurotic. And that’s almost as good as losing weight.

I’ve been learning to use the twitter. But there are some things I just couldn’t grasp. They use completely different lingo than facebook does. (Not to mention the 140 character limit. I don’t appreciate limits on my commentary.) I would read about HOW to do things, but I’m one of those people that learns by hearing and doing. (ie: I can’t read music, but play by ear.) And because of this, I was totally loose. (EDIT: I was LOST. Not loose. But that's pretty funny!)

Enter my buddy, Mrs. FatAss. She offered to schedule a call and walk me through the basics. (Bless her for offering.)

I first came into contact with Mrs. FatAss because we are going to be at FitBloggin together. We are both on the speaking roster, but I’m just a lowly panel member. She’s going to be in charge of ME. (poor girl, she has no idea what she’s in for…) Nevertheless, I have been trying to reach out of my comfort zone and network with some of the folks I’ll be meeting. And there’s a whole lot of them.

But Mrs. FatAss is one of my particular favorites. She’s REAL, and if you read her blog at all, you know what I mean. There’s no pretending. And she’s FUNNY AS HECK.

Still, there is this part inside of me that freaked out about the call. Mostly because I have learned just because you are friends on line with someone, doesn’t mean when you are face to face (or phone to phone) that you will have things to discuss. Sometimes, phone calls can just be awkward. Especially when I’m on the other end.

When it comes to meeting new people, I’M A HOT MESS.

(PROOF: Remember when I met Christabel and the Jons?)

But I didn’t have to worry about talking to Mrs. FatAss. She not only made me feel right at home, but a little less crazy. And that, my friends, is a miracle in itself.   

There are times that we need to reach out to people with the same struggles we have ourselves. Specifically, Mrs. FatAss understands my plight to lose weight, and deal with the underbelly of dieting via a public blog.

It’s not like you are “just” trying to lose weight. By dieting on a blog, you open yourself up to criticism, opinionated and (sometimes) uninformed comments, and a whole lot of ideas that make no sense. (Obviously none of YOU READING THIS POST are the ones I’m talking about!) But when you reach out to a person, you never know what you are going to get. You have to tread the waters with strangers carefully. So I have a tendency to avoid all contact with new folks. I stick with who I already know.

Then today, someone reached out to me and I reached back. And I’m better off for knowing her. She reminded me that we are all an important voice. We can make a difference. Mostly, that laughing TOGETHER is way better than laughing alone.

(And my twitter skills have improved significantly… Mrs. FatAss is the Twitter Ninja. Which makes her a Twinja. And I am her Ralph Macchio.)

So today, I want us to celebrate reaching out. Getting to know each other!

And I’m gonna do that with a free blog makeover- courtesy of April Showers Blog Design- who is FREAKING AWESOME AT WHAT SHE DOES. She did my blog. (And it's way better than how it looked when I did it. She made me look cool.)

Here's how you can win:

Write a post on your blog that tells us all about you. Who you are, why you blog, what your blog’s main message is, and why your blog needs a makeover. Leave me a link on here and I will come visit you! Then we will pick the top 3 that need a makeover and WE WILL VOTE! Blogs have to be linked up by Sunday night (Jan 9th) at 11:59 pm CST so we can look around this week and pick our top 3. And we all will vote on Friday, Jan 14th.

(linky program will be up shortly at the bottom of this post)

Because Blogging is about community. It’s about branching out. Reaching. Friending. Sharing.

Just like Mrs. FatAss did with me today.

And I want to share that gift.

So get to blogging and let us know who you are!   

What to do while Weighting

So I feel the need to post today, but I don't have a great story. I don't have any inspirational words to give. I'm just waiting weighting.

I'm waiting for my body to give up the fat. I know it's going to take a while, but I'm doing everything right.

I'm waiting to see my progress on the scale. Soon, I'll be able to say "70 POUNDS LOST" instead of "almost 70!" That's going to feel amazing, I know it!

I'm waiting for the next time I have to eat. I'm trying to keep my metabolism running like a hot fire that burns fat from the inside out. Eating small meals every 4 hours. I'm kinda sick of eating.

I'm waiting for the next time I have to pee. Good gravy, as if my bladder wasn't small enough, now I'm trying to drink half my weight in ounces. Trying to take it slow, so my body has a chance to absorb it. 

Losing weight is a whole bunch of "hurry up and wait." They don't tell you that part in classes, programs, and diet books. They guide you through the steps, but don't tell you what to do inbetween the steps. So I suppose I could offer a few suggestions of:

"What to do while Weighting."

1. Learn how to use the twitter.
Last night, I forced myself to spend 3 hours on twitter and try to master it. I think I have the hang of it now. I also think I will never have to force myself on the twitter again. It may have replaced cake in my life. Come find me!

2. Check out other blogs.
I've been reading a ton of them lately, trying to network and reach out. I've added quite a few to my blog roll, if you need suggestions. If you aren't on there, link it to me in the comments, and I'll getcha added. (And am I on YOURS? lol)

3. Give yourself a breast exam.
It's important to do. It could save your life. Personally, I have Matt check me out once a week. He pays way more attention to them than I do anyway. Boys are silly.

4. Go to my friend Mrs. FatAss's blog, donate $10 bucks and CHANGE A LITTLE GIRL'S LIFE.  

5. Think about something besides food.
Yeah, I have a hard time with this one too. This morning I was watching Cupcake Wars on my DVR and almost drove to the store to get cake. I realized what was happening and turned it off. I also removed it from the DVR que. I am learning to once again recognize my "triggers" and eliminate them.

So that should keep you busy enough for now.

Oh! And I totally forgot that I have a giveaway to do! I'll save it for tomorrow, when hopefully we can have a "70 pound celebration" and make it all festive and stuff. That will make it feel more like a party.

Till then, I'll be here, making good choices and weighting...

How to Celebrate the Best Weigh-In of Your Life with a Photo

1. Wake up at the butt crack of dawn to get kids off to school (with a pit stop at the toilet to pee).

2. Prepare coffee and while the machine is running, strip down in your kitchen and weigh yourself to see the number 170.0, trying not to get irritated that you are so close to the land of 160’s.

3. Get kids off to school.

4. Decide that since you have nothing else to do besides cleaning the house and trying to re-inflate a flat tire by hand, your best bet is to crawl back into bed for another hour or 2…

5. Or 3….

6. Or 4….

7. You finally decide at the crack of noon to pull yourself out of bed and get moving.

8. Rewarm up coffee in kitchen that is now cold.

9. Go back to the bathroom to pee again.

10. Go ahead and strip while sitting on the toilet. This saves time.

11. Streak buck nekked into the kitchen (even though no one else is home you do it fast) and start to weigh yourself.

12. Before stepping on the scale to weigh, remember the last time you weighed and the old scale showed 169 and when you came back to re-weigh with your camera on the ready it refused to show 169 again. In fact, you had apparently gained 2 pounds from walking into the living room to grab your iPhone and breathing while doing it. Laugh because this incident caused you to purchase a “new reliable” scale that turned out to be slightly less evil than the last evil scale.

13. Decide before you even step foot onto scale that Iphone needs to be at the ready.

14. Go to bedroom to track down iPhone lost in blankets from you snoozing through your alarm for 2 hours.

15. Find iPhone and set it to camera mode while walking back to kitchen.

16. Step on a nice wet hairball Puppy the cat has left in your path on the way to the kitchen.

17. Grab Matt’s freshly washed sweatshirt and get nastiness off of your foot and squat down to wipe up hairball, paying close attention to super hangy boobs that defy gravity by touching the floor while you squat down.

18. Remember the days when your boobs were up where they were supposed to be and giggle. They were amazing for 2 years. Then you had kids.

19. Realize that you are sitting in the middle of your living room stark naked with your boobs close to the ground wiping the floor and holding your iPhone and laughing. This qualifies you as crazy.

20. Stand up, thus redeeming sanity. Sort of.

21. Go back to kitchen with nasty sweatshirt in your hand and toss it down the basement steps.

22. Look ominously at slightly less evil scale, WILLING it to be kind.

23. Set iPhone, cocked and loaded to take pictures for proof, on counter in front of you so the weight of the iPhone (all 4 ounces) will not be counted in official weigh in.

24. Recheck body to make sure NOTHING is clinging to you that could cause extra weight.

25. Take a deep breath.

26. Blow it out. Holding air in does not make you lighter. You have already determined that during a previous experiment.

27. Kick scale. (it’s the only way to turn the sucker on- honest!)

28. Wait for the all 8s to turn into a 0.

29. Step on.

30. Wait the freaking eternity for the scale to do it’s sorcery and give you a number.

31. See the number 169.8

32. Quickly grab the iPhone and squat down to capture the weight on camera.

33. Squat down further and take secondary photo, just to make sure you got it.

34. Jump off scale and feel light as a feather.

35. RACE TO FACEBOOK to share your good fortune.

36. Start to upload photos of proof that you weigh 169 and realize at the last second that your pictures of your scale has some weird shadows on it.

37. Stop upload of photos at the last second.

38. Upload your photos on main computer with bigger monitor and look at weird shadows.

39. REALIZE that the sleek black glass on the scale works exactly like a mirror.

40. REALIZE that you were squatting buck nekked on the scale while taking pictures.

41. REALIZE YOU ALMOST POSTED PICTURES OF YOUR HOO-HOO ON FACEBOOK.

42. Carefully crop pictures so that you eliminate all outlines of your womanhood and lady pelt.

43-49. After re-checking photo 5 more times, go ahead and upload this photo on Facebook.

Step 50. Sit down and blog about the day you lost 69 pounds and weighed 169.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, You don't show who's inside at all!

Today, I want you to do something for me. Something that we do all the time, but creates very different feelings depending on our mindset at the time it happens.

I want us to stand stark naked in front of a full length mirror for 5 minutes.

Seriously. Set the timer and stare.

(I probably ought to add that you only can do this if you OWN a full length mirror. They frown on this kind of behavior in the aisles of Walmart.)

As we are standing in front of the mirror, doing our imitation of Lady Godiva, look at what your body is right now. I'm not asking you to go into a frenzy of contempt about your body. Instead, I want us to make an honest assessment of WHAT our body is. Is it puffy in places? Is it wobbly? Do you have a favorite part of your body that you love the most? A part that you dislike? When you look at your body without anything else in the mix (like clothing, girdles, and lycra) what feelings do you have about your body?

Now, I want you to get dressed (or back in your PJs if you are like me) and go get a piece of paper and a big permanent marker. I prefer Sharpies for something like this. There's something gratifying about writing with a Sharpie. Take your piece of paper and write this sentence down:

WHAT my body is has nothing to do
with WHO is in that body.

Because we need to make that distinction. We forget that our body is an outward shell- a vehicle for WHO we are. It is NOT the other way around.

We say that we need to lose weight. We tell ourselves "Look at how far you've gone by letting yourself go! Look at this body? What have you done to yourself?"

But what we really need to be saying is "Look at how the outside doesn't match the inside! I need to fix that!"

I have never met a person who was fat on the inside. When I get to know someone, they have dreams and hopes and aspirations. No matter what size they are on the outside. But we let what we are on the outside dictate the WHO we are on the inside! We give up on reaching for the stars because "Who would ever hire a fatty like me? I can't be a (fill in your own blank) because no one will take me serious looking like I do."

We have given all the control to our outsides. Society kinda pushed us to this (which is a whole other blog post), but we WILLINGLY fell for it. We trusted that it was true. And because we trusted it was true, IT BECAME TRUE.

Today, we are going to bust that trust wide open. What our body is has nothing to do with WHO is in that body. We are taking control of the WHO instead of the what.

If you are starting on a diet this new year, I want to encourage you to start on the inside and work your way out. The body is effected by our internal MENTAL responses. We psych ourselves up to lose x number of pounds in 2011. And by doing that, we are setting ourselves up to fail.

We MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST commit to a life of making healthy choices.

ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME.

If you are feeling like you are a WHAT, you need to remember you are a WHO. You aren't going to lose weight by making plans. You are going to lose weight by conquering the small choices. So you blew it and had a cookie already. Don't think that you have ruined your entire diet day and give in to temptation. You blew a choice. But the next choice can fix everything. Your next choice has to be a WHO choice.

I'm going to give you a few examples so I make sure you and I both understand.

What: I ate a cookie and ruined my day. I have blown my diet already.

WHO: I made a poor choice today, but there are still lots more choices to be made. I AM going to make good choices.

What: I tried to do an exercise video and had to stop it halfway through. I can't do this.

WHO: My body needs more training to work up to the video I couldn't finish. If I keep trying, my body will get the hang of it. I CAN DO THIS.

What: I don't feel like making dinner, so I'll order a pizza.

WHO: I recognize that I am tired and worn out at the moment. I need to find healthy choices that offer me simplicity without harming the goal of what I'm working towards. I will find ways to make my food benefit instead of sabotage.

What: I can't lose weight.

WHO: I CAN LOSE WEIGHT, ONE HEALTHY CHOICE AT A TIME.

It only takes seconds to make poor decisions. We know that. But we have trained our psyche to think that healthy choices are harder. GUESS WHAT? We can make healthy choices in the same seconds it takes to make poor choices. Which way are you going to go?

Remember that piece of paper we wrote on? Grab your marker, cause we are going to write a little more on it. Here we go. Think of 3 things you love about WHO you are. Smart, funny, artistic (those are mine, you can think of your own...) I want your paper to look like this when you are done.

WHAT my body is has nothing to do with WHO is in that body.

The person in that body is (Smart) (Funny) (Artistic)

Go tape this on your big mirror. When you are feeling low, or frustrated or struggling to keep on track with your diet, come back and add another word. Remind yourself not to be a WHAT. Stay close to WHO you are. WHO you are is a lot more ambitious that WHAT you are. And when you focus on the WHO, the what loses it's power and is forced to change.

That's when the WHAT begins looking a lot more like the WHO.

And WHO you are is BEAUTIFUL.

My New Year's REVOLUTION

So it’s the first of the year. Big day for diet companies. People who are serious about going through the charade of their resolutions are signing up for weight watchers, gym memberships, Jenny Craig, and ordering products and services on line. Today’s activities are folks busting into the diet industry with a hand full of cash and a shot glass of courage.

I don’t like new year’s resolutions anymore, but they were what changed my life, so I shall not judge.

But I would like to suggest that instead of making a resolution this year, consider making a change forever.

It’s not a resolution.

IT’S A REVOLUTION.

If you are reading my blog, it’s because you are looking for support and inspiration about the process of losing weight. (Or possibly because I am endlessly entertaining…) You know you want to change, but we have become so angry about the process of dieting that change feels impossible. We are trapped by the tyranny of our fat. We are fat, so we eat. We eat, and get fatter. It’s an endless cycle of our waist bands giving room and us taking seconds and thirds when we don’t need them. Give and take. Give and take.

We need a get out of fat jail plan. I want you to break free of this cycle. Not because I get anything out of it other than helping someone else in the trenches. Remember, I don’t receive any financial endorsement for what I do. The products I plug don’t send me cash- occasionally they send me a free product, but other than that, I do what I do FOR FREE. And that changes my perspective. I’m not in it for the money. In fact, I do it because I have nothing else to lose. Just weight.

So because of that- I’m not on anybody’s side BUT YOURS. You are the only one who can end the cycle of weight and dieting. You can make resolutions to change, but until you start a REVOLUTION, it’s not going to be a change you make for life.

Let me be clear. I’m OK with you being fat. I will hug you just the same, I will tell you the same jokes, and I will answer your emails. If you want to stay the way you are- that’s OK. You are loved just the way you are.

BUT IF YOU ARE READY TO START A REVOLUTION, if you want to empower yourself in ways you can’t even imagine, to discover the real person underneath the extra weight- if you are willing to accept that this revolution isn’t going to end overnight and that you will both win and lose battles along the way- but that you have to keep fighting this war, well then. You have come to the right place!

There are lots of people who lost 75, 100 even 145 pounds in a year. If you are going to be one of those people, I congratulate you. I hope that it sticks. I hope you keep up what you did to lose the weight for the rest of your life and keep it off.

But I am not one of those people. It took me 2 years to lose 67 pounds. And today is my 3 year Dietversarry. 3 YEARS of trying to lose the weight for good. I’ve had good days and I’ve had bad. I’ve lost weight, and gained it back. But I’ve stuck with it. No matter what my day was like, I’ve stayed true to my own revolution of losing the weight for good. I knew it was going to happen for me. But I had to do it my way. I had to make changes slowly that would last a life time. If you have read any of my blog at all, you know this has been hard. Finding what works and what doesn’t, losing control and finding it again, stepping on the scale day after day and seeing the truth displayed to me on a 1.5” X 1” inch screen. Today, I am 171.2 pounds. That’s my truth on the first day of the new year.

What’s yours?

I want you to ask yourself some questions today. Questions that will tell you if you have made a resolution, or if you are ready for a REVOLUTION. I hope these questions prick your heart and prepare you for the weeks and months and years to come- the time you will be fighting in the REVOLUTION that can change your life!

1. When you look at the most recent picture taken of you, how does it make you feel about the way you look?

2. Does stepping on the scale make you feel uncomfortable? What would happen if someone else was standing next to you as you weighed in?

3. Are you willing to let your frustrations work to your advantage? Or are you going to pretend that they aren’t there?

4. If someone told you that you had won a free cruise, but you had to swim everyday in a public pool while there- what are your feelings about being in a bathing suit with others looking at you? Would you go on the trip, or let someone else pack their bags instead of you?

5. Are you willing to be uncomfortable to lose the weight?

6. Will you be your own worst enemy as you attempt to lose weight?

7. Do you really know who you are? Do you know how much you are really capable of accomplishing? Would you like to find out?

8. Is food the thought that gets you through the day?

9. Are you willing to stick to a budget? Are you able to apply the same principles to dieting?

10. ARE YOU READY TO START A WEIGHT LOSS REVOLUTION?

Primal In-Stinks

I've been slacking on the blogging front. AND I KNOW IT. It's been weird this week for me. I've been super-stressed out that my kids are 1500 miles away from me. And my control reflexes aren't as strong as I thought they'd be. So I've been stress eating a bit. Point is, I bounced back up. Uh, a lot.

 

I hit 178 this week.

 

7 pounds of total stress eating weight.

 

I could be ashamed. I could be upset. But I'm really not all that worried. It's mostly carb weight, and I've got it back down to 174.6 today. The next 4 will come off easily, if I keep myself together. So that's what I'm trying to do.

 

Eating really is my go to soother. When I hit primal states of being- complete fear, devestating loss, etc., I EAT. And I am learning to accept that about myself.

 

When my Grandma Bush died, it was a Sunday. And that day, I didn't cry. I ate. I ate until I threw up. Because I was hitting a primal state. I had no other way to control my emotions, save eating.

 

And on Christmas day, dropping off my kids to go to Arizona for a week, I hit that same primal state. Total fear. My kids have NEVER been so far away from me as they are now. And I panicked. So I ate. For 2 days I ate like mad. I prayed and I ate. 

 

I'm not going to try and figure out why that's my knee jerk response to extreme conditions. I'm just going to accept it for what it is. My primal instinct. It stinks, but it is what it is. And am thankful I have very few days when I feel like this. Today, when I am feeling better about things, I'm going right back to what I know. Healthy eating, proper portions, and control. I can't be perfect all the time. But I can be thankful most days aren't primal days. 

 

So, it's on to the plans for the new year. Can I actually hit 169? I have 3 days, and I'm pretty sure I can do it. I can at least get close. Close is really all I need. I am mentally preparing myself to go the distance this year. I have a new accountability partner for my quest (an old crush named Stephan who's a fitness coach now) and we are working on a plan together to get me to 138 in 2011. I'm helping Jia with out the Dirty Diet, a diet plan tailor made for her, I still have McMuscles, and as always- blogging blogging blogging. 

 

This blog is my life line. It helps ground me to what I need to do. It makes me think about what is really important for me. The power of a blog is incredible. It's a gift, and I want to share that gift with you. Not only with my blog, but your blog too!

 

In order for me to share that gift, I made a deal with my kick a$$ blog designer, April, and we are going to give away a blog makeover!!! You can read all about it on January 3rd. So make sure you come back to get the details. It's my gift to you. To start someone off on the right foot into a new life of health and weight loss.

 

 This week didn't exactly go as planned. But I'm getting through. And that's really all that counts. But in 2011, I am taking this diet by the horns, and riding it to the finish line.

 

Stick with me. We are going to see the end this year.

Reruns

Nope, I'm not recycling old blog posts. I'm not watching TV.

Yesterday I ran for the first time since Thanksgiving day.

I didn't mean for it to be such a huge absence. Just with weather, schedules, the flu... everything sort of interrupted my workout routine. And that means one yucky thing.

I have to work back up to where I was.

So yesterday, with much fear and trembling, I got back on my dreadmill and I faced it. Because I'm still dealing with the tail end of my sickies, I figured I better go slow- not slow speed wise, but slow distance wise. And I set my sights on ONE MILE.

After all the running I have done, I figured that I could handle a mile. But wow, it was tough.

I wound up running it in 13 minutes. Not too bad. And technically, I could have gone another mile. But I chickened out. Mostly because I wasn't wearing my Enell Bra or my knee supports. I figured I'd hit 2 miles today.

And here I am- looking at my dreadmill. It's calling out to me.

"Come run with me!"

It's actually slightly irritating, because also calling to me from the kitchen is the peppermint ice cream in my freezer. I got lots of voices going on in my head. But the running- it's gonna win. After such a tough haul as I had yesterday, it's important for me to get cracking on that. Otherwise, I'll never be ready for the half marathon in April.

Although my situations this last month couldn't really be helped, I am frustrated. I feel like I lost a lot of ground. McMuscles hasn't seen my face in WEEKS. (I haven't abandoned ship yet, McMuscles. I promise.) And the weight- it's holding at between 171 and 173 depending on the day. So I can't really complain.


And yet... here I am, complaining.

One of the greatest disservices we can do to ourselves is taking a "break." We fall back into bad habits. Our bodies get lazy. It takes a lot longer to build them back up than it does for them to go back to lazy. Amazing how the science works like that.

Our eating- oh, mylanta, the eating- just a week of bad eating can set us back a month's worth of work, if we aren't careful. I know lots of people are using the excuse "It's Christmas! Lighten up and eat!" But that doesn't fly with me. It's always some holiday or special event. There's always birthday cake, or anniversary dinners, barbecues and picnics. No matter what time of year it is, we could find an excuse to eat poorly if we wanted too. So this holiday season, I am forced to ask this question.

What is more important to me?

Celebrating the birth of Christ by stuffing my gullet to the point of bursting?

Or celebrating the birth of Christ by focusing on self control and patience and perseverance?

I know which one Jesus would pick for me. And it doesn't involve an all you can eat buffet. He's the bread of life, and He's not covered in spinach artichoke dip.

Here's the deal. I have vowed that I will start the new year weighing 169. I want to live the entire year of 2011 without being in the 170's. It's never happened before (unless you count the years I weighed way OVER 170. But I'm not counting that.) and I think it's time I start really reaching the goals I set out. This last year, I've whined, binged, gotten right, then took a month off. Granted 2010 was a hard year for me. I dealt with lots of stuff. But 2011- It's gonna be MY year. The year I hit goal. The year I start attacking my dreams instead of thinking they will come find me somehow.

What do I want for Christmas? To make GOOD HEALTHY decisions. To be the best person I can be. To make my blog more than just entertainment.

I wonder if all that would fit in a stocking?

Charlie wants a DOLLY

DOLLY PARTON.

(A choir of angels is singing Jolene in my head right now)

She isn’t classy, she’s a little trashy, and she’s a whole mountain-full of fun. 2 mountains full, technically. It should not be a big surprise to anyone that I am a big Dolly Parton fan. I have been since puberty. When the knockers starting blooming, my love affair with all things Dolly began. To be fair, she is the ONLY country musician that I adore and would pay to go see in concert. Otherwise, I’m not a big country fan.

But Dolly- something about her cartoonish image, like a blonde Jessica Rabbit- just draws me in. And knowing that she is one of those folks you can take at face value makes her all the more Dollylicious.

I was sick over the weekend, and then the tv went kaputz. What did I do with my time?

Read Dolly’s book “My Life and Other Unfinished Business.” I’ve read it about 30 times.

And at every stage in my life, I find yet another way that she and I are kindred spirits. It’s not the huge cans, or the love of wigs, or the over exaggeration of our makeup routines. It’s the candid honesty about the kinds of people we are and how we see the world. How we try to believe the best about everyone. How it breaks our hearts when we get taken to the cleaners.

In 1993 Dolly released the album “Slow Dancing with the Moon” and I loved it. More than just loving the album, I thought the album cover was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen before. I convinced “Chart Records” to give me the promo posters. One hung in my room until I moved out of my parents’ house.  I’m pretty sure the other is still hanging in the garage where my step-dad can enjoy it.

I used to stare at that poster while I was laying in bed- looking at Dolly- Dolly looking at me- and have conversations with her. Not in a crazy kinda way. More like in a fairy godmother kinda way.

“Dolly, I really wish this boy would like me. What can I do?”

“Dolly, I feel sad. Do you ever feel sad too?”

“Dolly, one day I want a boy to look me in the eyes. The ones on my face. I know you understand.”

And the look on her face told me she really did understand.

The only book on audio I have ever purchased was Dolly reading her book. I got it while I worked at the Cracker Barrel. I had to drive 30 minutes back and forth to work every day, so I listened to her and her homespun wisdom. I’m not a hillbilly, but I certainly came from a line of farmers who called it like they saw it.

One of my favorite expressions of Dolly’s happens to be regarding a backside.

“If I really had to haul ass, I’d have to make 2 trips.”

This woman understands me. Even though she has never met me.

Back in high school, my youth group took a trip to Gatlinburg TN. We didn’t get to go to Dollywood, (much to my chagrin) but it wasn’t for lack of begging. I wanted to see her. Just catch a glimpse. I also got into trouble when I had taped a sign in the back window of the church van that said “DOLLYWOOD OR BUST.” I always thought that would be the best bumper sticker idea ever, and was sure it would get me a meet and greet with Dolly. But I never got back down to Tennessee. And to date, I’ve never met Dolly.

I’m sure you are wondering why I am prattling on and on like a uber geeky Dollyfan (and fyi- I’m just fine with that), and it’s because I need a little more motivation to finish losing this weight. Before I thought it would be great fun if Matt took me on a cruise to celebrate losing 100 pounds. But then lots of people started getting sick and thrown overboard… that’s no good for me.

So I think it would be better if I came up with some hair brained scheme to try and get to DollyWood. Cause more than anything, I want to meet Dolly.

I’m thinking that I could start a facebook group to gain some publicity about it. But basically, I’m going to spend the next 4 months pounding out some serious promotion so I can meet Dolly when I have lost 100 pounds.

And I don’t just want to meet her. I want her to Dollyize me. Make me over. Give me some of her favorite treatments via hair and makeup. And let me be her little back woods Barbie doll. Cause she will know how to make me look best considering “our shape.” That being 2 life rafts attached to our front sides.

Everybody has to have a goal. And if a girl’s gonna dream, she may as well dream about getting a Dolly.

I’m 33 pounds away from Dolly.

Let the workouts begin.

Is honesty the best policy?

I pride myself on being honest. Almost to a fault. Sure I could tell you life is hunky dory when it isn’t- but what could we learn from that? Not a lot. Not much at all.

So I’ve been working in cahoots with Jia (whom shall never be referred to as a special friend again… lol) on our new weight loss blog “Letters to Jia.”

And here’s the thing. I’m pushing Jia to be really honest about herself and her goals, and what she expects to happen. She has been honest too. We are still learning how to work off one another- but some of the things she says blow my mind. Not because they are bad- but they are the same truths I am STILL admitting to!

(If you haven’t been over there yet, you should check it out. We are doing something that’s affectionately known as “A Dirty Diet.” We are bored housewives left with nothing but laundry and our minds to keep us sane. It gets a little “raunchy” in a very nice way. And we choose to let the comments from the readers be what they are. FLAT OUT AWESOME.)

In keeping with honesty about all things diet, I feel compelled to remind Jia at all times that I struggle with the same things as her. And I guess the only difference we have right now- her being at the beginning of her weight loss journey, and me being close to the end (back to 171 today!)- the only difference we really have is this:

I understand that not knowing makes you a better dieter. And I kinda wish I had that child like wonder back when it comes to the diet.

I’ve said it before, but there used to be a time when I stepped on the scale and GAPED that I lost weight at all. I was amazed by it. That was because I didn’t think it was really possible.

I’ve kinda become a diet snob. I expect that if I do A and pair it with B, I will lose X.

If you totally lost your sight today, what would your world be like? (And the correct answer isn’t “dark.”) Would you pay closer attention? Would you trust others who could still see to lead you from one room to the next? Would you use each piece of furniture as a marker of where you are in your house?

I bet we all would.

So if someone said “You need to do these things to lose weight- eat less, move more, and be willing to work hard for a little victory” how would we feel? Would you listen closely? Would you shake your head and clear off your treadmill?

Or are you such a diet snob that you think you can do it another way? Cause if I am really honest, I fall into the category of DIET SNOB.

One of the most excellent things about working with Jia is that I have to go back to the beginning. Where it all started. Me, a scale, a bad picture, and lots and lots of tears. What can I tell her that will keep her filled with wonder about her progress? Can I teach her the good habits I wish I had?

I hope I can. It’s a massive undertaking- making something as boring as a diet come to life with excitement (and some naughty innuendos)  but I’m up for the task. I want dieting to be fun for Jia. Heck, I want it to be fun for me again!

We need to remove the DIE from DIET. This is about life. Living. Changing from the people we are into the people we should be.

And I, for one, am ready to get back on track with the fun.

Smonday report

It's Monday. Snow Day Monday.

It's not really snowy outside, although it was nasty yesterday. Just cold. Really really cold. 13 degrees. And with the wind chill it's negative 4. Which is why I'm cooped up with savage maniacs who won't stop talking inside with my sweet children.

It's not quite noon and I'm already hitting the advil.

So there's nothing much going on here. I'm going to read some blogs, do some laundry, and maybe make the kids do something that requires manual labor (like cleaning their room) so they can burn off some of the energy they are using to drive Mommy UP A WALL.

I'm not going to talk about my weight today. It's not pleasant. Oh, forget it. 173. It's because of the instinct we have to hibernate when the weather gets nasty, I believe. I'm not sure. I haven't eaten horribly this weekend. So there's no real reason for the 3 pound gain. Therefore I'm not going to acknowledge it today. Because it will be better tomorrow. I know it will.

Everything is just kind of out of whack. That's what happens on snow days.

I'm not depressed, mind you. Just stating the facts. But I know, you came here for a laugh. I promise to deliver. Last January, we had a snow day and I shared my WORST SNOW STORY EVER. If you read it before, you can read it one more time and be thankful it didn't happen to you.

The WORST Snow Story Ever

By Charlie

  I had just started a new job as a sales manager at a craft supply distributor. We were living in the middle of the country, and it was snowing pretty good. Schools had been canceled, and at that time Matt was a stay at home dad and I was his Sugar Mama. He told me, “I don’t think you should try driving in this weather. It looks pretty bad.”

“No, no, it will be fine. I’ll head out early and be back by 5:30 this evening.”

It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get to work (which I got reamed out for) and to top it off not ONE of my sales staff came in. They all called and said they were stuck at home.


About noon, the weather watches and warning systems were going crazy, and I figured I better get home. Thankfully, the place I worked closed for the day (5 people were there out of 50. We got nothing done, except for chewing me out for being late) and I headed home. I got stuck and had to have good Samaritans help me 3 times during a 4 mile stretch. I ended up at my brother and sister’s house, crying because I couldn’t get our van to stay on the road.


Enter Dan, the superhero. He’s my stepdad. Filled to the brim with what can only be described as an “English” sense of humor. Real dry, but in a good way. You never know what the man is going to say. So he heard that I was stuck at Todd and Julia’s (bro and SIL/BFF) and decided to come rescue me. He’s good about stuff like that. Anytime we have moved from house to house, Dan is always there to help out and tell us how to pack the moving truck efficiently. You can count on him to take care of manly stuff.


So Dan the Superhero decided to get me home. Driving in the snow makes me a nervous wreck, so the tummy was a little upset already. As we started out from Todd and Julia’s place, he was very excited to try out the 4X4 option on his new Olds Bravada. Then he decided that we could take the scenic route home. Cause his new SUV could take it.


What neither one of us anticipated was the severe drifting on the country roads. And wouldn’t you know it, about ¾ of a mile from any houses in sight- we got stuck. Poor Dan got out and started to dig the tires out. When he got done, we could only move a few feet and then got stuck again. Thankfully, because he is the manly type of guy, he insisted I stay in the SUV and let him try and get us out.


That was when a real “country boy” (stifling the urge to use the term redneck) and his buddy (also a Country Boy) with a pick up truck came along. He offered to help us get out of the embankment of snow. He was overconfident in his truck and you could tell. His truck was filled with gun racks and hunting gear and stuff straight out of Deliverance. But we were needing help, so Dan took him up on it.


The truck pulled up in front of us with Country Boy proudly coming to our rescue, and wouldn’t you know it! HE GOT STUCK TOO!


This was right about the time I realized that my tummy and intestines were working against me.


I started squirming. I started cinching. And even though I was freezing cold, I got the sweats. But I was bound and determined I would wait till I got home to explode.


Enter the 3rd vehicle. A farmer was watching all of this from his house up the road. And he decided to come down and help. So driving his BIG HONKING TRUCK, he came down and offered to help get all of us unstuck.


Meanwhile, Country Boy was freaking out that his truck had failed him, and was ranting in disbelief at the turn of events. It was like someone had shot his best hunting dog. Needless to say, he was freaking. And he was going to get his truck out first.


I started scoping the distance between me and the closest house, because I realized if the fellows dug Country Boy’s truck out first, I would not be getting home by the time I needed too. I already had on sweat pants, the legs were soaking wet from all the snow. The cold wet pants were not helping the situation. Every sensation was adding another piece of straw to the sinking camel’s back. Soon, I gave in to the inevitable truth.


I was going to have to bite the bullet and go outside. In the snow.
Nothing more humiliating than having to poop outside, but even worse is when you have one Kleenex and a used napkin to help you. Not one leaf in sight. Everything was under the frozen tundra of farmland.


Going outside, I stealthily snuck behind Dan’s SUV, squatted down, dropped the drawers, and let my intestines relax at last. There was no stopping it. Imagine the last time you had a really bad case of the trotts, and your rear became an unrelenting exit for everything in your body. It was like that. Complete with horrific noises. Except MY cheeks were in the snow. And I had no toilet paper.

So I tried to use the snow to clean off my rear (with 4 guys trying to chain a truck and needing to come over my direction to admire their handywork, till they realized what I was doing and they quickly got back to work…) and when I couldn’t get it any more without causing frostbite to my rump, I gave up and pulled the sweatpants back up. I then tried to cover the mess I had made in the snow with more snow, but the temperature difference between the snow and the OTHER STUFF made it impossible. It kept melting and spreading out even worse. I had a huge brown hole behind the SUV, and there was nothing I could do. Admitting defeat, I headed back into the SUV to try and warm up.

Eventually we got unstuck and headed to my house. Carefully avoiding the snowed over country roads this time.

The rest of the way home, Dan the Superhero kept sniffing the air, as if to say “What is that peculiar odor my nose is detecting?” But to his credit, he didn’t say a word about it. Just cracked the window and focused on the road.


And that, my friends, was the worst snow day I have ever had. And I have not one intention of repeating it. So today I am staying inside no matter what. Close to my kids. And a toilet. No way am I going out.

Snow way.

THIS POST CONTAINS NUDITY

In the beginning of the world (as I believe it to be) God created man. Then he created woman.

So God created mankind in his own image,
   in the image of God he created them;
   male and female he created them. - Genesis 1:27

They were just fine on their own, hanging in the Garden with their Creator. No feelings of inadequacy, no hiding behind trees in shame- just 2 brand new people and a supreme being. And I should point out that they were naked.

I’m not going to throw out my interpretation of the facts, but I do find it interesting that those 2 kids were created in the image of God, and they had no clothes. I would love to ask “Does God wear clothes?” but I don’t want to change the subject of this post.

It wasn’t until someone abused food in the Garden (dang you EVE!!!), that clothing even came into play. She ate something she wasn’t supposed to. And she was immediately aware of the fact her body wasn’t good enough to be seen naked anymore. Not by her Creator, and not by Adam. Figures this whole mess starts with food…

From the beginning of time, food has been a sore spot for us girls. And some guys. We eat the things we aren’t supposed to, and we become ashamed. So we hide under robes, and animal skins, and sweat pants, and lycra. We hope our clothing minimizes the transgressions of our appetites. We say it’s because of modesty, being pure, not leading others to sinful thoughts. But I wonder--- if we stripped away all the cultural taboos of the human form…

...would we still be ashamed of our bodies?

I have a blogging friend, Julia (author of JewliaGoulia) who is 26 years old. She is an art student. And she has lost a STAGGERING 141 pounds. In one year. Her journey is amazing. And you should meet her. I really love this girl, her kahonas, and her determination.

Jules has been working on a project for her Photograhpic Problems class. Her new series, entitled TRUTH, has been met with some shocking opposition. Her pictures deal with what some might consider “body issues” and are not limited by size or gender.

For example, these are some tidbits from her series:

But the real problem was when Julia BRAVELY stepped out from behind the camera, and showed the world her body. After losing an entire person’s worth of weight.

This is the living breathing picture of her form, 141 pounds lighter, and FREE:

The majority of the comments she received were positive- it is a beautiful piece. Perhaps not to someone who doesn’t know the story behind her journey, but for those of us who DO KNOW, it is a declaration of her spirit.

In her artistic genius, she has done all of us a favor. She exposed the world to what is really under the weight loss. And every single one of us owes her a THANK YOU.

So often, we get caught up in the “skinny” trap. What we perceive to be beautiful is only what we have been trained to see as beautiful- thin, airbrushed, and photoshopped. When someone mixes things up with raw real photography, can we still see the beauty? I do, absolutely, but I wonder, if this is our reality- after the weight is lost and we have reached our goal- how many of us will keep fighting? Do we just want to be skinny?

OR DO WE EARNESTLY WANT TO BE FREE?

I am turning off the comments on this post. After all Julia has heard (including an anonymous heckler calling her disgusting) I feel it is my responsibility to shelter her from any more comments like this. If you have something to say, you can email it to me directly at oscbb@yahoo.com . This is not something she has asked me to do, but the mother inside of me feels it’s my duty to protect her. Because I want this for ALL my readers. I want us to break free of the stereotypes of our culture. I want us to be so confident in who we are that we are unafraid to step out from behind the camera.

I want all of us to find FREEDOM.

Julia- on a personal note, this picture blew me out of the water. You already know how I feel about it, but it merits being said again: I was so deeply moved by this photo that I WEPT. I see the passion behind this photo. I know every feeling that is found in each roll, each piece of excess skin that you wear. Every stretch mark speaks of a battle you have fought and won. I am so proud of you that my heart breaks.

I have never seen a picture that is so unique, and yet reminds me why I endure this journey week after week. It is for freedom that we diet. It is to be  released from ourselves, inside and out, to reach beyond society and be comfortable in our own skin. All of it. I am pleased beyond explanation that this picture will be gracing my home very soon. It reminds me every single time I see it how hard this battle is, and that winning means a lot more than being THIN.

It’s all about being FREE.

My darling girl-

YOU.

ARE.

BREATHTAKING.     

Winning by a LANDSLIDE

Dear Readers-

The outpouring of love I have received over the past 24 hours has been astounding. You have prayed for me, prayed with me, written me letters of encouragement, told me your own stories of life in Family Court, and basically- gave me a landslide of support. I am doing my absolute best to respond to all of them, but after getting 150 emails yesterday (from the blog and facebook) and 14 phone calls- I’m behind. And that’s ok. I'm feeling strong today, and am coming to grips again. It will be OK. Somehow... :)

I remember the first blog post I wrote back in the day. The Yoga Incident. I knew it was funny, but I had no idea the support system I was starting. How that support system would carry me, not only in my weight loss journey, but through the ups and downs of life, like yesterday. So many names and little profile pictures, virtual friendships, cheering me on from the sidelines- I have come to know so many of you through this blog. And I can’t tell you how important you all are to me.

I may not have been homecoming or prom queen, or most popular in my class. I wasn’t voted most likely to succeed. I don’t have 80 million followers like some blogs. I don’t have advertising supplementing my blogging habit. I don’t have a glamorous life to follow.

BUT…

What I do have is a group of loyal men and women who reach out day after day, reading my words, listening, commenting, sharing…

And it makes me feel like the Blog-coming Queen.

You all voted me in, and I won by a landslide.

I’ll take my crown and wear it “humbly-proud.”

 Humble that I could ever be in a position to have so much love surrounding me.

Proud that the same girl who meekly wrote the Yoga Incident has come so very far.  

There are those who think blogging is silly. They think it’s a waste of time. People who blog don’t have a life. For any of those people who might be reading this: YOU ARE DEAD WRONG.

Blogging gives us a freedom! It supplements our life by forcing us to reach out, when before we didn’t reach at all. It can be silly at times, but it brings us laughter and hope! It chases away our dreary feelings of “stuck in the rut” and proves that life is worth living. The good, the bad, and the flabby- we share it all.

There is power in blogging. It changes us. It makes us better. It makes us stronger. Trust me. I’m wearing the crown. I know what I’m talking about.

And with that, I will let you in on a little secret. I am starting 2 new blogs.

One is called “WWED?” or "What Would Erma Do?" (in reference to the late Erma Bombeck). It will be my blog about motherhood. No diet stories there. Just plain old fashioned rants and raves of a mother doing her best, day in and day out. I’ll be launching this blog after the first of the year. I'm super excited about this one.

The other blog is with my special friend Jia. You may have seen her name on here a few times. She featured me on her blog’s feature “Self Esteem Saturdays” and we chat and FB constantly. Now we text. Jia has been working to lose weight (like all of us here) and we decided to try a new approach.

That blog is up and running already, although we are still tweeking it. You can check out “Letters to Jia” and see what we are up too. We use the word “whoreface” liberally, and it’s not an insult. It’s a testament of our devotion to each other. So don’t be offended! (And a special thanks to the 2 girls who discovered that blog already and left comments, and the one who became our first follower. I have no idea how you found it, since we only started the blog 2 days ago, but we appreciate the support!)

So that’s all I’ve got. I’m at 171.4, I have a heart full of love for my readers (thank you thank you thank you), and I can’t wait to begin 2011. It will be the year that EVERYTHING changes.   

Love-

The Blog-Coming Queen

Losssssst innnnnnnn Faaaaaaaaaith

This has NOTHING to do with dieting. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Dear God-

No matter how much I prepared my heart for today, I still walked away devastated. Today I stood in a court room, pleaded on behalf of the safety of my children. Just make them stay in Illinois during Christmas. That was all I wanted. So if something bad happened, I could get to them quickly.

I knew, after talking to my attorney on Monday that is was a long shot. But I still trusted you. And today- I got called all sorts of names- including a liar (when I wasn't even stretching the truth)- and lost. My kids will be boarding a plane on Christmas day to go to Arizona. Without me. Without Matt. And the reality of that made me die a little inside.

I know I'll probably hear about this from other Christians, but I'm kinda pissed off. And it's kinda at you. I don't mean that in an "I hate you" way. I just don't understand the outcome here, and I'm mad. I've had faith in all sorts of things over the years. I've trusted you about having another baby. I've trusted you while seeking your purpose in my life. But most of all, I've trusted you DAILY to take care of my big bully.

And I didn't see that happen today. And it sucks.

I wanted you to swoop in with armies of angels and fix this. Or make time stand still and do your thing. Something, ANYTHING!

But you did nothing...

Did you get lost or something?

OK, I know that's totally not true. You never get lost. You never allow us to be in situations that you haven't given the green light for. You showed the light. It was green. But I was too busy seeing red to notice.

Honestly, God, I'm too upset at the moment to praise you like normal. It's nothing personal. I just have lost my grip. It's gonna take me a while to get it back. But I KNOW that I know that I know- YOU HAVE GOT THIS SITUATION. You have a handle on it, even when I don't. So at least someone's in control here, even if it isn't me.

That's as optimistic and faith filled as it's going to get at the moment. I prayed for a miracle. I got BUPKISS. Yet another notch in my bedpost of disappointment. The one thing I can take away from this whole big fart of a mess is this:

You still have things to grow me in. This is going to take every ounce of motherhood I have in me- because even though I'M NOT OK with my kids leaving this state and being so far from me, they can't bear the brunt of my feelings. It's not their fault. So I have to encourage them to have fun and enjoy it, even if it makes me want to gag. (I know that sounds harsh, but I've lived this hell for 12 years. I gag.) Make me the kind of mother who speaks blessings over her children as they leave her sight. The kind of mom who shows conviction, but can set her conviction aside to show compassion. Who teaches her kids that losing is a part of life, and we have to make the best of it.

But that's all I can promise at the moment. I'll grow more later. Right now, I just want to be mad. And that's all the compassion I can muster.

I don't think I can write the words "thank you for this loss" because right now, it isn't true. I'm not thankful at all. But you are a big enough God to handle my emotions- you are far more thick skinned than me. I know you understand. You aren't mad because I'm mad. You get it.

I feel like the kid who just got spanked and turns around and wants a hug. It's not fair. But you are all I've got. So I'm running into your arms, with a bee in my bonnet, and letting you deal with me.

Love - a severely pissed off Charlie

PS- I'm writing a mean song. About my ex. It's country. And I'm going to send it to Dolly Parton when it's recorded. Because she will laugh her wig right off. And it would be a wonderful twist of fate if it became a top 10 hit and I got rich. I'm calling it "Lord, I trust you- but I don't trust this man." Just putting a bug in your ear....

Give My All 4all

It is a rare occasion when I write 2 blog posts in a day. But this???? It was too fun to pass up. I got an email, and it had a challenge enclosed. I'm taking that challenge. So, I'll post the email, then I'll post my response. If you want to jump on this band-wagon, feel free. I just couldn't resist. :)

 

Dear Charlie,

We’d like to invite you to join us in our search for Team 4all!

Are you an early rising, sun saluting, net charging, lunch packing, carpooling, super(role) model blogger? If you play for guts, glory and fun, then you have what it takes to be part of Team 4all!

4all is holding tryouts for Team 4all, ten blogger brand ambassadors who will receive the latest 4all news and products and access to exclusive brand opportunities throughout the year.

Think you have what it takes? Tell us why you should have a spot on our roster. What or who inspired you to start a fitness/sports routine and how are you planning to gain power in the New Year?

To apply: Write a blog post answering the prompt above and post it to your site. Tell us about yourself and why you would be a great fit for 4all. Visit www.4allbyjofit.com for more information and please feel free to forward this email to any of your friends who may be a good fit. Good luck and please let me know if you have any questions.

-K.

ABOUT 4ALL

4all is an innovative golf, tennis and fitness apparel company that specializes in creating high quality performance apparel. 4all focuses on designing stylish clothing while providing a perfect fit for all women. The brand’s garments allow women to have a comfortable fit that’s also flattering as it slims, lengthens and performs.

Dear K and 4all Fitness Clothing Company-

I got your email about becoming an ambassador for your company via blog. And to be honest-

I laughed right off my chair and hit the floor.

To THINK that I would ever be invited to potentially endorse anything sporty and/or fitness related is pretty darn hilarious.

Because you see- I am not, nor have I ever been, a lettered jacket kind of girl.

Except the one I got for choir. Which was a really really high C. I nailed that note. EVERY TIME.

Looking back on this journey, I wonder- what could THIS girl have represented as an ambassador?

TV Watching

Oreo Dunking

Napping

Stretchy Pant Stretching

Couch Holder Downer

Pants Pee-er

But as you know, (because you at least checked out my blog briefly enough to click around and get my email addy) I am not that girl anymore. I am this girl.

I am ambassadors of much grander things now.

FlyBaby Cleaner

Inch Shrinker

Mile or 4 Runner

Weight Loser

Boot Camper

Water Aerobiciser

Pants Pee-er (Still holding onto that title, apparently)

To be honest with you, I can’t think of a worse person to wear your clothes and pretend like I am a tennis racket wielding, golf club swinging, country club attending kind of chick. I’m not that girl at all. And if that’s what you are looking for to represent you- then I must humbly decline.

Because of all the things I am, those are the things I am not.

But of all the things I’m not- I suppose there are lots of great things that I am.

I AM AMBITIOUS.

There is this side of me that is extremely competitive. I like to play to win. Mostly I just play with myself (Oh, that sounds wrong on sooooooo many levels) but I'll explain!

My greatest opponent is ME. I spent years stopping myself from getting in the game. Any game. I figured since I was feeling like a loser, what was the point in trying? But something inside me changed back on January 1, 2009. I snapped. I decided to jump into the dieting game. Win or lose, I was in.

To my surprise, I learned the rules, I played a few rounds, and I started winning. (Or is that whining? Perhaps..) Regardless, I managed to eek out a few wins in my mental chess game with my evil scale. And I have got to tell you- WINNING feels so much better than losing. And now, I’m happily winning a lot. Or losing a lot- that whole "losing to win" bit gets confusing. Let’s just call it winning. WINNING. On the scale, perusing my career as a freelance writer and becoming the person I want to be. I am winning at making the outside match the inside, and vice versa. I’m far from done yet. I’ve got a ways to go. But my ambition is getting me there, one pound, one truth at a time, one silly blog post after the other. I really like that about myself. Maybe you will too!

I AM HONORABLE.

I know, my blog talks a LOT about boobs, bellies, periods, the occasional hemorrhoid, and other crazy stuff. But that’s my way of keeping it real. If you are looking for a girl with every hair in its place, then look somewhere else. If you are looking for a girl who admits to the random hair on her chin and bellybutton, well then… keep reading!

The journey I am on hasn’t ever been glamorous. There were hopeful moments- but they don’t last long (if I get any glamour at all, that is). I’m a gritty sweaty stinky fitness (un)enthusiast who does what she has to do. I put on my big girl panties with the control top and do it. Sometimes “IT” is mucking up messes from sewers that back up in my basement. Other times “IT’s” showing people the look under the lycra- the flabby stretchmarky truth. Or sweating my cans off trying to run a flipping 5K. This business of losing weight isn’t pretty. I refuse to pretend it is. That’s why I’m so darn honorable! I admit the reality. It is what it is. And I think this is possibly why people love reading my blog! All 6 of ‘em. This type of raw- soul bearing- mistake admitting- honesty is hard to find nowadays. You get a whole new perspective on life when you enter Charlie’s land of the triple B. Big Butt Blog. Mostly, you will be thankful your life isn’t as adventurous as mine. And I’m totally cool with that.

I’VE GOT GUTS.

You think it’s easy to talk about stuff like crapping your pants or having a “pad malfunction” when people you know are reading your blog? People you WILL SEE later that day? There have been many a man who was unable to look me in the eyes the next time he saw me, because his wife was laughing so hard at the computer that he asked what was so funny and she made him read my blog post and that man was schooled on something he had quite happily been oblivious to before BUT NOW it’s all he can think about and he associates that particular thought with my blog and is therefore unable to look me in the eyes when he sees me in person. I know, that sentence is grammatically incorrect, and a huge run-on. But it’s the gospel truth. (What’s even more hilarious is that men secretly start reading my blog on their own after that happens. I know they do. And I love it when they are brave enough to leave a comment.)

Out in the blogosphere there is a happy epidemic. People pretend like their lives are perfect, their houses are perfect, and they only post pictures of themselves that have been photoshopped appropriately.

Me? I spit the truth out there and don’t give a flip. Well, I suppose I do, but that doesn’t stop me from my goal or the pursuit towards it. I’ve got MOXY. My pictures are real, my weight is real, my struggles are real. I am who I am, and who I am is what you get. Even if you don’t like me, I’m still pretty darn entertaining. Just ask the menfolk. They are the ones looking at the floor when they see me…

And that’s my last point. I AM FUN.

Say what you want, but when I get comments like “I just peed my pants reading that” or “I’m choking on my Crystal Light from laughing” I know I'm on to something. And that makes me feel great!

So am I a good candidate to be an ambassador for your company?

I have no clue. Honestly, if you have any business sense at all, you’d probably say no. I know I’m not the typical or safe choice. I’m the wild card. If you like adventure- then pick me. If you want your company associated with someone who gives it everything she’s got- then pick me. If you aren’t afraid of taking a chance on a girl who barely took a chance on herself 2 years ago- then pick me.

Oh, I’m supposed to answer who inspired me to get fit. That first girl. The horrible picture up there. She was the reason. She was so unhappy- so lost- so broken- it was for her. My ambition, my honor, my guts (quite literally, oddly enough) and my sense of fun… I risked EVERYTHING for her. And ya know what I found out?

She deserves it. She deserves a win. And she’s getting it.

And there’s my entry. That’s why I should (or possibly shouldn’t) be an ambassador for your adorable clothing line. If you don’t pick me, could you at least send me an outfit? Just for funzies?

(I’d like to wear it during Fat Girl Yoga and feel legit.)

Warmly-

Charlie Hester, a thinny in progress