Kittens

Wow.

I have not blogged in almost A MONTH.

A whole super long time in which I have been not hiding from the world, but simply existing in it. Healing, loving, crying, sharing, hugging, and changing.

That really sums up what I’ve been doing.

Thankfully, though, I’ve also been maintaining. I’m currently at 140 pounds. Which I consider success. I may not live every single day in the 130s, but averaging 2 pounds away for over 2 months is impressive, by my standards at least.

And then there’s the whole issue of TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

And that’s what I’m going to talk about today. Because this is something totally new to me. I never tried to get pregnant before. It just always happened. Even using birth control.

But now, as a woman in her mid thirties, I’m not sure it will be as easy as it once was.

Last month, I admit we only gave it a half hearted attempt. Mostly because doing the “Baby Dance” as it is called on most “trying to conceive” sites, required 2 vicatin to even get through it. I happened to ovulate shortly after the surgery, so I wasn’t feeling my best, and it wasn’t nearly as fun as it normally is.

By the way, we call it “kittens” in this house.  

This time around, as mother nature has finally wrapped up her week long evil deed of lady-time, and I no longer require any painkillers to get through the day- including advil (woot!), it’s time to start thinking about kittens again. (which seriously, regarding mother nature, I am still gunning for human evolving in this area, so that one day my daughters and grand-daughters won’t have to have a period. Just once a month there will be a post it note in their unders saying “Not pregnant” or “Start stocking up on Pampers” or something nice and not annoying and un-disgusting like that.)

Wrapping my head around kittens being something more profitable than an amusing extra-curricular activity is weird. And to be honest, I’ve read some of the horror stories online of couples attempting to get preggers and having kittens becomes a chore for them.

KITTENS A CHORE? Say it ain’t so!

Maybe it’s easy for me to be optimistic because:

A) this is only the second month we are attempting to be makin’ bacon. (a term my grandpa uses on the farm for animals mating) (he’s a pig farmer. Lol) It is still thrilling to think that (brace yourself, this is another family saying from grandparents) soon I will take serious what Matt is poking in fun.  (That is hilarious to me.)

B) I’m a fan of kittens. BIG FAN.

C) I am totally in love with my husband, and kittens isn’t just about fulfilling primal needs. It’s about drawing close to each other, reconnecting, and remembering that our relationship is more than just being mom and dad to the 3 kids we have, or being Matt at work and Charlie the housewife. One day, we will be old and retired and living in a house with just the 2 of us hanging around. If our relationship is only about those other things, what happens to us when we have an empty nest and are living off of a 401K? Kittens is a healthy way for us to remember that we are passionately in love (or as Matt likes to tell me “Madly in love”) because of who the other person is, beyond the insane schedules and duties we share. (I just said dooty.)

Kittens is important for more than just making a baby.

So as we head into another month of focused well-timed (hopefully) productive Kittens, I figure we can use this time to re-kindle some of the romance that gets lost in the never ending piles of laundry. How am I going to do that?

FLIRTING

If there is anything that makes me swoon faster than a corset wearing southern belle on a hot day in August, it’s flirting. When we are in a room packed full of people, and I see my husband wink at me, to quote SWV- “I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.” I don’t know what it is about that little gesture, but it knocks me off my rocker EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Not to mention that when Matt comes up and wraps his arms around me while I’m doing something normal, like making dinner. It reminds me that beyond being mom and home chef, I’m still a woman who is appreciated.  

But those are the ways Matt flirts with me.

How can I flirt with him?

He’s a different type of flirter. He’s not big on PDA (public displays of affection) nor is he one to be moved by lengthy love letters written by yours truly. (OK, but in all fairness, that is what I do full time. Writing. It’s what I excel at. I suppose it would feel the same way if he came home with a 500 page policy packet of why he loves me and the proper ways to express that love. Since that’s his job at work, I’d be unimpressed too.)

Here are the top 5 ways I’m going to try and flirt with my husband.

1. GIVE HIM THE REMOTE and don’t ask for it back. Not even when he picks a show I don’t like. Even if it’s “Ghost Hunters.”

2. I will not wear the grey underwear I have washed 80 berjillion times and are the comfiest pair I own. They are horrid and unattractive. I vow to wear the uncomfortable stuff.

3. I will not pick apart the things he does. All wives are guilty of this, including yours truly, and it doesn’t help a person in your house feel appreciated for the ways they help out.

4. Speaking of which, I will NOTICE all the little things he does to help out around the house, and comment how much I appreciate each and every one.

5. I will remember that my husband is the kindest, funniest, most generous man I have ever met. And I will let all my thoughts about him help me cherish those attributes of his character.

And finally, as my last random thought for the day, I wanted to share with you something I’ve been struggling with. This is kind of a big thing.

I’m wondering what to do with this blog.

See, I’ve met my weight loss goal, and Charlie’s Big Butt has officially been shrunk. For those people that come here to get inspiration (or otherwise) regarding weight loss, I’m not focusing on that right now, and I don’t want to annoy people talking about things like kittens and periods. Or eventually, being knocked up. (Fingers crossed!)

I’m toying with some ideas, but none of them seem to be the right fit. Not to mention that I’m not sure how far I can go with talking about trying to get preggers. Especially when we finally get there and have to wait and have an ultra sound to make sure it’s not a tubal pregnancy. I’m not sure how to process all of this, nor how much I want to share about it. Then again, this blog is how I process things. It’s my way of coming to terms with the situations at hand.

Honestly, gang, I’m rather torn about it all.

So if you have any thoughts about it, or encouraging words, please share them. I don’t want to just walk away from OSCBB, but I also want to stay true to the nature of this blog. And I just can’t figure out what to do!

I also have no idea how to end this post….

So… uh…. The end.

Charlie and the ACTUAL OPERATION

I really don’t know where to begin this post, because aside from the not always comfortable recovery process, it still kinda feels like a dream. But it’s not a dream. It’s not something Matt and I are talking about and hoping will happen for us one day.

The dream has become a reality.

I’m fertile again.

See, a long time ago, Matt and I made the decision that we wanted more kids. We KNEW that our family wasn’t complete. We were still missing a couple more personalities in our household. But because my tubes were tied from my previous marriage, it just wasn’t happening.

But how my heart wanted it! Every month, I prayed and prayed that God would look past my “broken paths” and let it happen. Having the initial tubal ligation was never what I wanted, but a decision I was forced into, even after cancelling the surgery twice. At the time, I was in a place I couldn’t fight for myself or my feelings, so I had no choice but to go through with it.

Over the past 8 years, this one simple surgery I had has been an albatross around my neck. It was about so much more than not being able to have more children. It was about a bondage I still lived in, quite literally tied up tightly to my past. It was a daily reminder there were parts of me I still had no control over, and was unable to be freed from. It was a piece of my former life that grieved my heart because I couldn’t move past it on my own. I knew God had other plans for me, but I just couldn’t achieve them.

Several years ago, I did a Beth Moore Bible study at my church, “Believing God.” It was a powerful time of release for me, learning not only to believe IN God, but to simply believe Him. I could trust that He loved me just as I am. I could believe that He would restore “land” that had been taken from me. We were supposed to write down one issue in our life that we were going to believe God about. My paper simply stated “Make the broken paths whole again.” That was it. I was going to trust God, to believe Him that he could do this for me. It was about letting Him reassure me that the past will not and should not dictate who I am today. It can shape it (for better or for worse) but if I work towards emotional healing, He is faithful and will show justice and grant mercy and grace.

When we first made the decision to have a tubal reversal, I wasn’t eligible for the surgery. My body mass index was too high. It needed to be a 37, and mine was 41. That, coupled with the fact I felt awful about myself physically and emotionally and couldn’t tie my own shoes without breathing heavily, led me down the rabbit hole of this blog. It sent me on a path I never dreamed I would travel. I worked hard, lost weight, and learned to love myself like God loves me. Or at least more like God loves me. Honestly. Completely. Un-judgementally. Unconditionally.

And I learned to embrace others in a new way. Learning the best way to encourage people was to go out into the world and do things for myself- to show them that changing yourself, your habits and your mindset is possible. That it doesn’t matter what you have gone through, if you want to change your life for the better, IT CAN BE DONE!!!!

Finally, when I hit my weight loss goal, I thought it was time to check into the surgery. There was one opening left the week the kids are gone, and before I realized what had happened, it was OUR scheduled time. And so began a whirlwind of planning and activity. We chose Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Clinic in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. They were beyond helpful, from making sure all the forms and labs were filled out, to the general nervousness before surgery. They answered all our questions, reassured us, and made the entire experience amazing for us. CHTRC specializes in this surgery, and have very high success rates. We were in very good hands.

We flew out on Tuesday of last week REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING, and arrived at Chapel Hill about 9am. We were taken to our hotel, then to the clinic where I got all the pre-op appointments done. (There will be a separate blog post about this, and after I write it, you will understand why it’s a story all its own. But it’s a very Charlie experience! hee hee hee) We grabbed a quick nap, headed to the day spa where we got massages (yep, even Matt got a massage. And it was worth every penny!) and then went to dinner. After arriving back at the hotel, we went to sleep and prepared for a very big day.

Wednesday was surgery day. I woke up, took a shower, and we headed to the clinic. I was the first surgery of the day, and we had to be there by 7am. I got changed into a gown, they got my IV started, and I was in surgery by 7:45 (I think. Time was a bit wibbly wobbly after the IV.) Matt got settled into the waiting room, and I remember them asking me a few questions in the operating room. And then I blinked. When I woke up, I was in recovery.

Everything went really well. Dr. Berger was able to fix both of my fallopian tubes and make sure they were clear of any blockage. But that wasn’t the best part.

The best part was when our surgeon sat down with us and talked about the results as I was in recovery. He gave Matt and I his full attention. We video taped it (of course, we did. We film everything.) and it was a tender sweet moment. Here was the man who God used to embody the miracle I had prayed for, telling us that we now had the ability conceive. I will be showing you that footage later, but it makes me cry. I also had Dr. Berger sign my little scrap of paper from my Beth Moore Bible study. Whenever we do have a baby, that paper will be framed and hanging over the crib of our new little one. Or ones. Because even though it wasn’t a miracle in the way I expected it to be, it is still a miracle in every right.

I am healed.

I am fertile.

I am FREE.

So there you have it. That’s what I did over my Christmas vacation. It was an amazing experience, and I’m healing up nicely. A few weeks of not lifting more than 15 pounds, a week more of taking it easy, and no running for a while. I can handle that.

Hopefully, I’ll soon be able to announce that we are preggers. But it’s going to take a while before we will announce things for sure. I have to follow a strict protocol once I do get a positive pregnancy test, because now I am at a higher risk for a tubal pregnancy. There are multiple blood tests, then an ultrasound to make sure that the baby is where it’s supposed to be. If it isn’t, well… I PRAY that this isn’t a situation we will have to face. Time will tell, I guess. But it is all in God’s hands now. He knows the plans He has for us, and there has never been a time in my life when He hasn’t been faithful to the end. So I trust that we can brave these new waters of the unknown and be held tightly in the grip of God’s grace. And with Matt by my side, we can face anything. He’s the best sidekick/husband/best friend/partner in crime that there ever was!

But for now, it’s all about babymaking.

Let the fun begin!