Tuesday, November 30

Bad, Worst, Worster Still

I have been avoiding writing this post. Not because I have something I am unwilling to share, but because after 8 weeks of non-stop exercise and diet fun, I am feeling BLAH. And how interesting is blah to read about?

Yet blah is inevitable when dieting. Some days, you look at your "normal" routine, and it feels dull and boring. There are mornings I wake up, and it's not that I don't want to succeed, but it all seems so vanilla.

Is there a good way to get yourself out off the diet dull drums?

I don't know, but taking a cue from my buddy Jack Sh*t, I can think of a few bad ways.... I don't like stealing what people call segments on their blogs, so I have come up with a new name.

(FYI- from now till Christmas, each post till have a reference to Christmas. Now that it's after Thanksgiving, I can get excited. Deal with it.)

Bad, Worst, and Worster Still

Bad: Decide to change all butter and oil in your diet to olestra right before a big night out.  
Worst: Going to olestra right before flying home for the holidays.
Worster Still: Making the Christmas meal with olestra for all of your family that flew in for the holidays.

Bad: Starting a low carb diet right before the holidays.
Worst: Going diet postal from lack of carbs and breaking your diet.
Worster Still: Going diet postal from lack of carbs and eating all of the food you prepared for your Christmas dinner with the family, and you eat everything on the table except the meat, leaving them a meal of turkey. That's it.

Bad: Cutting out all sugar on your diet right before Christmas.
Worst: Eating all the candy canes off your tree that were supposed to be for the kids.
Worster Still: Cutting a hole in your Christmas tree and slurping out the sap.

Bad: Packing your own meal for a big Christmas party at someone else's house. *Technically, this isn't a "bad idea" but I needed it to open the joke. You can do this. I do this.
Worst: Forgetting your packed meal and going into someone's kitchen scavenging for foods you can eat.
Worster Still: Packing your own meal for a Christmas gathering because you know that person can't cook worth a crap. And you tell them that.

Bad: Going on a fast during the last 2 weeks of December and breaking the fast Christmas Eve.
Worst: Going on a fast the last 4 weeks of December and breaking the fast Christmas Eve.
Worster Still: Letting yourself fast for 4 weeks and get so hungry that when your kids wake up on Christmas, the kids don't have presents in boxes because you ate the boxes.

Bad: Trying to diet so you can fit in a sweater.
Worst: Trying to diet so you can fit in a Christmas sweater.
Worster Still: Trying to diet so you can fit into your Santa Suit.

I have no idea how to pull myself out of the diet BLAHs, but I think I've got a few good ideas to jump start some things. I'll fill you in on the details in a few days after I get my game plan together.

Wednesday, November 24

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Tuesday, November 23

No Time...

I have yet ANOTHER sick child (because once one of them gets something, it runs through the house like a toddler on sugar), I have to do at least 3 loads of laundry (just a personal goal), I have to work out with Tricky Nikki and McMuscles in 3 hours, and find time to run somewhere in between.
So I have no time to blog.
What I do have time to do is make healthy choices. Those happen in a split second.
I have time to love my family. Even quick hugs mean something special.
I have time to pray for others while rushing around the house like a madwoman.
I have moments to remind myself why this journey is still important to me. To others. To the world.
I have time to stop and make time for unexpected things. Gifts, situations, listening to sweet prayers of encouragement on my voicemail. (Thank you, Leebird! I LOVE YOU!)
Most of all, I'm thankful I have time at all.
So no time for blogging today, but I'll be back tomorrow and let you know how the run and workout went.
What are you making time for today?

Saturday, November 20

Memoirs of How I Survived the Turkey Tumbler 5K

Thursday, November 18

Are you there, God? It's me, Charlie...

Tuesday, November 16

Fat Girl Running

This video may or may not contain nudity.
(Right, it totally doesn't. All my special bits are completely covered up.)
But I have to say, condensing down almost an hour's worth of footage is not an easy task. I got it down to a little over 6 minutes.
See, I know you have OTHER things to do besides watching me run!
Although it's pretty funny in places. You will know them when you see them.
Now, may I present to you a close and personal look at me tackling my fear of distance and jogging...
Please enjoy "Fat Girl Running."

Sunday, November 14

...when we remember the pain...

Friday, November 12

McMuscles and the Groupies

Wednesday, November 10

The Warm Morsels of "Feel-Sorry-For-Yerself" PIE

I am going to come right out and say it.

It is hard for me to lose.

Take that any way you want.

Cause no matter how we slice this not-so-peachy pie, we encounter the crusty truth.

I have a hard time losing weight. I have a hard time when I can't accomplish something I set out to do. I have a hard time losing.

In fact, the only thing I don't have a hard time losing is my set of keys. Or my sanity.

I say this with the humility of a bonafide loser. Cause I am back down to 175 at last. And that counts. But let's not forget I was there once before. (Or twice. Or a gajillion times.) And the plateau is broken.

But this has become more than a fight with the scale.

This is an all out knock down drag out fight with myself. And my mental status as a prior(ish) fat girl. And what I am really capable of.

I am doing all sorts of things that are shocking and surprising me. Running, lifting weights, measuring food, etc.. Somehow, though, there is still a glitch somewhere inside me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me to find out that this is all a ruse. That it's not going to work. That I will fail. LOSE.

Like last night. My big bro and I attempted to run 4 miles. I couldn't do it. Instead of focusing on the fact that I ran longer than I ever have before (3.25 miles) I set my sights on the fact I couldn't hit 4. And it really bummed me out. Even after seeing 175.8 on the scale, what did I want to do?

Sit in a corner and cry like Jack Horner with a big ole pan of Feel-sorry-for-yerself-pie.

I have issues. But we knew that already.

Having a blog like this (focusing on weight loss) puts a considerable amount of pressure on a chick. Like if I don't lose weight, people will stop reading. I will lose my support system. My voice.

Then, there is the fact that when I am kicking butt and taking names, people get jealous. (And before you think "No way!" I will say YES, MA'AM, THEY SURELY DO. I have emails to prove it.) Because they feel bad if they aren't doing something about their own personal well being.

Frankly, kids- I understand that. Instead of hearing inspiring words from another blogger, I have been known to get envious of their motivation, their success, that they have a funnier blog than mine. I put myself into this imaginary competition where I am the only person aware of who's playing along.

Does anybody else do that?
Somewhere along the way, I started biting off more than I should chew. I started setting my sites on the big picture. Go the distance! Hit the numbers!!! And that is no way to live. Unless you want to live in a white jacket with long sleeves and buckles in the back.

Well, I have had enough!

Today I am picking up the gauntlet. (Because I have previously thrown it down.) I am going to stop dragging my ego through the mud, and do something I don't often do.

So today, I am going to start celebrating the SMALL victories. The ones that I have been glossing over- ones that used to strike me with such awe and wonder, I almost fainted. Like:

I no longer have a 50 inch waist. 36 inches now.

My kids don't think I'm fat.

My hubby enjoys the body I have right now. (he always has, but now- kittens is more fun.) (And yes, kittens is code. My daughter reads this blog. I can't afford college AND therapy for her...)

I can run a mile faster than I could in high school.

I am ferocious in the weight room at the YMCA.

I no longer require a nap after water aerobics.

My boobs have stopped hanging so low. (Seriously. They aren't covering my belly button any longer. Which is good, cause when they were low my button smelled like cheese.) (Don't ask how I know that.)

The cellulite/cottage cheesyness is almost gone from my booty.

My booty is almost ready for quarters. I could probably start bouncing dimes...

I have pushed through countless plateaus and am still plugging away, almost 2 years since I started this diet.

I still get excited about it.

I RAN 3.25 MILES. (See, I got back to my original point)

I get back to my original points.

My rantings and ravings make some people laugh. (Nervous laughter is included here)

I don't look in the mirror screaming anymore.

I don't step on the scale screaming anymore.

I can't pull off a bikini yet, but I feel pretty good about my one piece.

I can finish this journey one step at a time. They just won't be in 4 mile increments while running. Not today, anyway...

I WILL get 4 miles before Thanksgiving.


So stick that in your feel-sorry-for-yerself pie and bake it!!! (That was a note to self. You don't have to bake anything.)

What are the small victories YOU are celebrating today??? 

Tuesday, November 9

Who's your MAMA???

Monday, November 8

Worth 2 in the Bush?

Today, I am going to be THAT BLOGGER.
The one who likely talks about something that makes you uncomfortable.
But I am wearing my sense of humor today, so I’m throwing caution to the wind and going with it.  I suggest you do the same.
And to keep things light and funny, this post will be brought to you in prose.

This weekend I took a short break from the grind
Of my diet and workout routines.
Because a lesson came up that threw a small wrench
In the gears of this workout machine.
It started on Thursday while in the bathtub
My sweet little razor in hand…
There deep in the tub this girl shaved all her legs,
And continued to shave no-man’s land.
I started to trim just the edges,
Around my bikini bathing suit line.
But at first glance I thought it was crooked,
So the edges I tried to refine.
I’d try to remove just a little,
From the left side first, then the right.
But before I could stop, I bald eagled it.
And thus began my strange plight.
For you see, when a girl goes this far with her bush
She will learn lessons galore,
Like adding an Always with razor burn
Will drop you down straight to the floor.
Uncomfortable doesn’t quite cover it.
In fact, of this iceberg- the TIP.
With no hair down there to help soften it-
Your pads will induce quite the grip.
On Friday while suffering through bootcamp
Oh, I learned this lesson well.
With the jumping and running and flouncing about,
I was in bikini burn heck.
Every step that I took was so painful
And left me in such agony!
I almost walked out of that exercise class
And was ready to be absentee.
But I suffered and puffed through the fire in my shorts.
Determined to get through the time-
While yanking, adjusting and grabbing my crotch
And looking a lot like a mime. (Get it? Cause mimes are always trying to get out of the box? I was trying to save my…. Ah, you get it.)
The class was soon over and I hurried home
To swiftly soothe my sour honey pot-
And grabbed me a tube of some Desitin D
And slathered that stuff on the spot.
The stinging, the pain, the sheer agony-
The suffering your pal Charlie felt
And all because I hadn’t stopped to preserve
The volume of my woman pelt.
So I took the weekend to give it a rest
In the hopes I would soon feel no pain
I’m the first to admit the thought did cross my mind
To rush the process with a bit of Rogaine.
I sat on the couch all this weekend,
Composing this blog in my head,
Mother Nature adding insult to injury.
So just like an eagle, I spread.
The lesson I learned is one you can learn too-
If you're working out avoid the chappy-
And please take a cue from your bloggity friend
Don’t EVER get too razor happy.

(PS, for enduring this post, there will be a really awesome give-away tomorrow from Mint Julep Monogramming, thanks to my buddy Hillary at The Other Mama. Start looking now at the items you like, and come back tomorrow to see how you can win!!!)

Thursday, November 4

How to Run 3 Miles in 50 Easy Steps

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