I dropped the kids off at school, and decided that I ought to get the groceries out of the way. I putted over to Walmart, as Matt and I are now strictly adhering to a budget, and started my journey into the land of Rollbacks.
Pushing my cart, which was filling up quicker than a 120 pound woman at the Olive Garden, I realized that I had forgotten an important thing. A VERY important thing I ALWAYS forget.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am somewhat of a space cadet lately. I can't seem to pull everything together. It’s not like I am forgetting important things- like feeding my family- it’s annoying stuff like putting clothes from the washer to the dryer. Or putting a pad in my purse. Or in my unders at all, as this morning’s tale proves.
But I had already done ¾ of the grocery shopping by the time I realized I had no Always to fall back on, and I willed my uterus to shut the doors till I was done. I was not going to leave a cart brimming to the top with groceries for some poor soul to put back. I only had a few more items to get, so I did what any woman in this situation does.
And when I got to the line, there were about 25 shoppers, who also seemed to be in a hurry, with carts as full as mine. Of course, as Murphy’s Law would dictate, only 2 lanes were open.
So I stood. And I waited. And I panicked a little bit.
Because I knew that the light grey of my sweatpants would not hold my secret safe for long. And that’s when I saw my (well meaning) cousin behind me. He’s in his 60’s, and everytime I come to Walmart in a rush, he’s there. It’s not that I minded talking to him. He’s funny.
What I minded was that I had things on the bottom rack of my cart, and was going to have to bend over with him standing behind me.
I gracefully attempted to do a “I’m meeting the queen” curtsey with my legs crossed. Bend from the knees, Charlie, bend from the knees…
At which point, I was so worried about keeping my butt from being seen that as I qwazi bent from the knees, I cracked my head on the cart.
And then, of course, EVERYONE in Walmart was looking at me. Exactly what I needed. Better than being accused of shoplifting, I suppose, but embarrassing none the less.
I got my groceries and myself into the safety of my van, where I KNEW I had a pad stashed in the glove compartment. I hastily looked around, saw that no one was near, and I pulled the wrapper off the pad and lifted up out of the driver’s seat, to stick it in my unders. Then I wiggled and squirmed as I attempted to get the wings on. I don’t know if you have ever attempted to apply an Always in the front seat of your car while keeping your pants on and half sitting down, but I don’t advise it. Unless you are due for a Brazilian wax. Apparently I was.
And just as I got situated, I realized there was an old man in the car next to me, waiting for his wife to finish shopping. His eyes were as big as dinner plates. I am seriously hoping it was from the extreme cataracts he had. (Please, God, let him have had cataracts!)
Was the trip really worth the bananas and fruit and healthy food I got?
Not when I realized I forgot to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy on the way home.