Charlie, God, and the Pregnant Pause

Dear God,

If there was ever a week a woman needed a straight jacket, it would be this week of my life. We’ve suffered heartache after heartache. Tears have fallen until there were no more tears left under the sun.

Honestly, God, I’m used to things not really going our way. As much as I wish everything would go as I planned, they just don’t.

And I’m not gonna pretend like everything is ok, because it’s not.

This hurts.

But in all things, I am choosing to trust that YOUR way is better.

This pregnancy is ending. My HCG numbers have fallen beyond hope, and this morning I have started spotting.

HEARTBREAK.

Holy Father, while this heart is broken, let me pour out everything within it. Purify my heart while it’s wide open. Look closely to see what needs to be restored, what could be softened, what could be strengthened. Do not let this time of hurt be in vain of the wonderful things you could do. Let this pregnant pause grow something greater in my life than I ever dreamed. And if it is not a little duck today, then let me grow in my relationship with you.

Sweet Jesus, in the midst of our hurt, let me be a light. Let me point people to the hope I have in YOU. This world comes at us from all sides, twisting and turning our emotions until we can’t breathe. Situations rise up from nowhere, testing our resolve.

Do not let my resolve be moved.

I AM FOR YOU. I AM FOR WHAT YOU WANT FOR MY LIFE. I AM FULLY CAPABLE OF HANDLING MY HEART BREAKING, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WILL KNIT IT BACK TOGETHER. I KNOW THAT YOUR NAIL SCARRED HANDS HOLD THIS SHATTERED HEART.

I am not considering my current situation the end. This moment of life You are proving to me once again that YOUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. Because I trust that You are for me, I know that You have fully equipped me to find solace and peace and comfort. It is only by Your miraculous grace that I can come to terms with the state of my life today.

Today I choose joy. I choose joy joy joy that you loved our family enough to tell us no, not yet.

I often think about the times when the kids ask for really big expensive stuff. I know it’s not in their best interest to give it to them. Sometimes we want them to work towards those things. Sometimes Matt and I want to be the ones who give it to them, surprising them just because they are loved. I know they don’t like to feel the disappointment of being told no, but with each and every no they hear, there are loving parents who are teaching them that getting a NO doesn’t mean no-not-ever, it just means that we want you to feel the full impact of this gift. That it will mean something more to you because you had to wait.

And as I think about those times, I see clearly how Your love is so much like that.  Maybe this is something You want us to work towards. Maybe You want to pour down such spontaneous blessing on our lives JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE US, but we need to wait for You to make that move.

Whatever the reason is You are telling us no today, I thank You. I will embrace this moment as a sign of Your love and favor upon our lives, that we would be purified again and again during our lives. When we are broken to the point of barely hanging on, that is never a sign of Your anger or proof that You have abandoned us as some might think. It means that You love us so deeply, so completely that You want to pull us close and hold us tightly as we cry. You want MORE for our lives than what we presently have. Your love is closer than ever when our world falls apart, and the bigger the damage path, the deeper we will find Your love goes.

I WILL PRAISE YOU THROUGH THE TEARS.

And through this heartbreak, I will wait for what YOU have for this family.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. - Psalm 130:5