(Today’s post is lengthy. Just wanted you to know ahead of time.)
So it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged.
It’s not that I’ve wanted to keep the nutty life of Charlie from any of you, it’s just that I’ve had a LOT going on lately. It’s showchoir season, and the kids’ schedules are packed with activities. There are few nights when we are all home and can enjoy the company of each other. My days have been packed with trips to school, sewing costumes, running to the store, and my latest obsession:
Peeing on sticks.
As you all know, we are trying to get preggers, and I have to tell you the urge to see a positive test has been a bit like my obsession with the scale once was. CONSUMING. And that’s the reason for today’s story.
So on Saturday afternoon, I still had not started my period. Which is good. I had been taking pregnancy tests that whole week leading up to the day my period was expected, but they all turned out negative, except for the one on Friday morning, which (not even kidding) turned polka dotted. (Faulty test, I assume) After a trip to the store to grab some dog food, I picked up one more box of pregnancy tests. And I got home and took one.
Of course, Matt and I are now jaded about faintly positive tests ever since the mysterious orb fiasco last year. Plus last month we had one that was faintly positive as well. But the more the test sat there, the more positive it looked.
We decided that a digital test might be a better option.
So I ran to Walgreens, got a pack of 2 digital tests, stopped to show Julia the faintly positive test (which she agreed looked positive indeed) and came back home. I took the next test.
And it said… (exhibit A)
Which just left us in shock. I mean we always knew it was going to happen, but still when it actually does happen you are kind of in shock. We agreed that the next morning I would take the remaining digital test before we allowed ourselves to get excited.
Sunday morning, I peed in a cup with my first morning’s urine, then went back to sleep for a couple hours. After Matt and I both got up, I dipped the digital test in the oldish pee and we waited. Those 3 minutes were taking forever.
And finally the answer popped up.
What? But I was so sure!!!!! And I felt like I was pregnant! Plus, mother nature was still MIA!
At that point, the obsession part took over my head (Or perhaps a surge of undetermined pregnancy horror-moans) and I went to the walmarts on a mission. After consulting the website www.peeonastick.com I tried to gather the most accurate tests I could find. Multiple packs.
I went up to the cashier who looked at me like I had lost my mind.
“I’m getting mixed results” I said quietly.
“Why don’t you just go to the doctor?” she asked, kinda snarky-like.
Sigh… “Because it’s Sunday.”
I took my bag full of tests and went home.
After peeing in a cup, I began the frantic routine of unwrapping and dipping. Setting the timer.
And THEY ALL CAME UP POSITIVE.
(See? Exhibit B)
So Matt and I started to get a little giddy. And when the kids got home we told them that while it still has to be confirmed by a doctor, it looks like we are pregnant. And joy swept over this house.
Now, fast forward to Monday afternoon.
I stopped by the kids’ school to drop off a few things, and one of the 5th graders was standing in the office. She looked at me and smiled.
“I heard you are pregnant!”
Whaaaaaa????? I guess I never told the kids to keep it under wraps. Epic mom-fail.
Of course, our secretary (who is awesome, by the way) waited till the girl had left the office and then said “Yeah, we heard that earlier. One of the teachers called me to ask if I’d heard anything, and I hadn’t, so we checked your facebook page to see if you’d mentioned it. But you hadn’t. So?”
“Well, yes, but I’m going to the doctor to get it confirmed.”
More joy bouncing all around!
I left the school and headed to the doctor’s office.
They got all my information, I peed in a cup for them, and went on with the appointment. The doctor (who I also saw during the Mysterious Orb fiasco) didn’t seem to remember me. She was asking lots of questions about the tubal reversal, why I had it done, where, etc. Then one of the nurses walked in with a post-it note. Suddenly the tune of the visit changed.
“What symptoms are you having?”
“Well, besides not getting my period on time or at all, I’m exhausted, my boobs hurt to 11 (**she did NOT get the This is Spinal Tap reference**), and I’m hungry all the time. But mostly I’m just tired. Oh, and bacon doesn’t sound good to me, which is just not normal on so many levels.”
“And you had some urine tests come up positive?”
“Yes, 8 of them.”
“Hmmmmm… because the urine test we just did was negative.”
And that was when my world SLAMMED INTO THE FLOOR.
Suddenly, she seemed to recall I was the woman who thought she was pregnant last year, and you could tell she did not think I was pregnant at all. Like any good hormonally surged woman would do, I whipped out my iphone to show her the picture I showed you above entitled Exhibit B.
“But look- I took all these yesterday, and they are all positive!”
“That looks expensive.”
REALLY? I AM SITTING HERE TELLING YOU THAT I AM 99.9% SURE I AM PREGNANT AND THIS PICTURE IS GIVING ME ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE BUT YOU TELL ME IT LOOKS EXPENSIVE?
Calmly (or at least I tried to be calm about it) I stated, “Can we just do a blood test?”
“Maybe we should wait a couple days and see if you start your period.”
“I’d really rather have the blood test today. I need to know.”
You could tell that she really didn’t think it was necessary. But she ordered it anyway.
And I got my blood work done.
On the way home, after calling Julia and sobbing through the whole fiasco, and leaving a frustrated and cryptic facebook status, I had a talk with God.
“God, this isn’t really fair. I either should be or I shouldn’t be. This middle ground of not knowing things and living in limbo is pushing me over the edge. This whole issue of trust is something we know I’m pretty good at, but today is not the day I can be calm and wait things out. If this is Your timing, then lets go. But if it’s not, please, I can’t be run over the emotional coals about one more issue in my life. I’ve already got enough on my plate. Don’t tease me with maybe you are maybe you aren’t. Not that You are a God who teases, but really, I just need to know one way or the other. Plus if I’m not, I’ve got to go back to the kids’ school and tell them all it was not meant to be. It would be hard, but I could do it. Just get me through this afternoon and let them get my test results back today and not tomorrow. Please God, I’m begging you.”
And the afternoon had no problem dragging by at a snails’ pace. Finally, at 4:30, I called and left a message if they could see if the results were back in.
About 5 minutes later, my friend Carrie called me from the doctor’s office. (It’s good to have a friend behind the counter. Plus, she knows how much we really want this, so her attitude is compassionate and sweet. A total Godsend.)
“Hey girl! Ok, your results are back in.”
Charlie begins taking deep breaths and trying not to pass out from the suspense.
“Anything over 5 is considered pregnant.”
More deep breaths. “OK…”
“You are at 17.”
Doing crazy hormone math in my head. 5 and under is no, and I got more than 5. So that means…
“So it’s positive?”
“Yep, but just barely.”
Barely is good enough for me!!!!!
“Now, you need to come in again on Wednesday, because we need to retest and make sure those numbers are coming up like they should.”
“No problem. I will be there Wednesday morning.”
So that’s where we are.
Barely pregnant, but pregnant. Now the hard part of this process begins.
The risk of having a tubal pregnancy after a tubal reversal is higher than for the majority of women. So we have to make sure the numbers are climbing up (they should be doubling or close to doubling every day for a while) and once my numbers hit between 1500 to 2000 there will be an ultrasound to make sure the baby has attached itself onto my uterine wall and that there’s a heartbeat and everything is ok.
Matt and I talked a lot about what we wanted to do in regards to announcing it and telling people. And frankly, it all came down to this fact.
Blogging and writing is how I process things. I grow, I come to understanding, I arrive at acceptance when I am sharing our lives with you readers. I didn’t want to take this journey without you.
When I began this blog, I didn’t really know if I could lose the weight. It was a journey. Not always good, not always bad, but it was honest and real. I experienced more self acceptance knowing you all were out there, cheering me on, rooting for me. No matter how this experience with our pregnancy ends, because I can’t guarantee anything in life, nor can you, I NEED TO HAVE THE FREEDOM TO SHARE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. The good, the bad, the horror-moans, I’m looking forward to taking you all with me. With our family. With the new duck.
So we need your prayers. Prayers that the little duck is where he or she is supposed to be and for high numbers on Wednesday.
Thank you for being such a wonderful and important part of my life. Knowing you are out there makes me see the beauty of the world in a whole new way.
I’m gonna go take a nap now.