Charlie VS Glamour

Last night was one of those nights I will never forget.

Matt (the hubs) was joking with me about the differences between men and women. Men are visual, and women are emotional. He had already lavished emotional praises over me throughout the day. So I decided it was my job as a good little wifey to drive the man to utter distraction with some visual. Oh, and for me to do that while he was on stage during his opening night performance of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.”

 Cause I’m ornery like that. Plus, it’s wise to keep the home fires burning hot.

And so began the arduous process of my hair and makeup routine.  Vintage hair… rolled and pinned and sprayed to infinity. Makeup…false eyelashes and winged liner and lip stains. Powder and highlight base and shimmer shadows. Ben Nye FINAL SEAL (best product EVER, by the way) to set it all in permanent place.

Once that was done (and we won’t discuss how long I obsessed over it last night. Not from vanity, but because I know what get’s my husband’s motor revving. Besides me being in the same room and other having things to do, of course…) I started the next process of dressing.

See, I’m still dealing with the Orb of Mystery. It’s better, but I’m still kinda poochy. Every time I start getting stressed out, it pops back out a bit. So my pretend pregnancy is stress related. I am doing everything I can to stay calm at all times, lest my tummy jumps back from a 3 month bulge to a 6 month globe of disaster. Which really fowls up my wardrobe choices.

Nevertheless, last night was a reason to pull out the big guns. And by big guns I mean big girdles. I don’t do Spanx or other kinds. I do hardcore vintage 25 hook girdles. And I use more than one at a time.

The secret to smooth girdle wearing is to layer them so you get the biggest bang for your minimizing buck. I begin with underwear and a firmly secured poise pad. This is because when wearing multiple girdles, you can’t always whip yourself free and make it to the potty in time. (Lesson I’ve learned MANY TIMES OVER.) Next, I put on the smallest of the girdles. Then the next one, which covers a little more of my back rolls. (Not as bad as they used to be, but are a consequence of wearing binding garments.) Lastly, I put on the smooth line girdle, with no hooks, to help camouflage the bajillions of hooks and eyes.

Finally the dress. My new Cherry dress I found on ebay. ADORABLE. And perfect to drive the hubs crazy. I put it on, it zipped up and looked FANTASTIC. Threw on my favorite red shoes, and headed outside where I had Amy, our oldest daughter, take a pic. Here’s the end result of all my hard work.

I know. I clean up pretty good.

After taking the pics, I grabbed my jean jacket and we jumped into the van. My neighbor (and high school friend) Beth was outside. I decided I needed a second opinion before walking out in public in a teeny tiny dress. (It’s teeny for me, as I usually don’t wear sleeveless.) Since they live just a few houses down and I was wearing mega heels, I drove down to her driveway, hopped out and asked “OK, am I too old to be wearing a dress like this? Do I look totally slutty?” For the record, I asked this because I try to keep my wardrobe balanced between kindergarten teacher and prostitute. It’s a tough balancing act on nights like this one.

Beth assured me I didn’t look like I was going to be propositioned, and I felt much better.

That was when I heard the words that changed my entire night.

From the van, ALL 3 OF MY KIDS YELLED OUT:

“MOM, YOUR DRESS IS UNZIPPED!”

I felt my backside, and sure enough, the dress was unzipped. I giggled and asked if Beth could zip me back up. Her husband, of course was sitting on the front porch, laughing. He’s met me. He understands.

As I turned around and Beth went to zip me back up, she made the sound.

"UH-OH. Charlie, your zipper is BROKEN.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!”

I had NO back up dress planned. I had 15 minutes to get my kids dinner at a drive thru, drop them off at Tricky Nikki’s house, and get all the way across town. No time to change.

And that’s when Beth asked me the question I’ve been asking myself for YEARS.

“Why does this kinda stuff always happen to you?”

I have no idea. Maybe it’s cause I can handle it like a pro. Maybe it’s cause my magnetic personality is actually only attracting bad luck. Whatever the reason, I was stuck with a broken dress.

I did some mental math, and realized that the jean jacket I had brought “just in case I got cold” was now going to be a full time member of my ensemble. But I wasn’t about to let that ruin my night. I still looked cute from the front.

I jumped back in the car, got dinner for the kids, and dropped them off. I headed to the theatre, and as I got out of the car, I put on my jacket. Which USED to fit me fine. Now, it hangs on me like a potato sack. Not the cute I was expecting. But I was willing to work with it. Necessity was my wardrobe tonight. And at least I didn’t have to button it. The dress could still be seen if I opened the jacket up a bit.

Glamour is a state of mind, and isn’t found in the actual details. Thank goodness for that.

So the rest of the night went great. Matt blew me away on stage. I have never seen him sing or act the way he did last night. Folks, the man just makes me SWOON! (Even if he had to kiss another girl on stage. That didn’t bother me at all. I just wanted it to be me up there because I would have kissed him RIGHT! Hahahaha!) He had the entire crowd ROLLING with laughter. It’s a gift, I say, a gift.

After the show, I was standing around talking to people, assuring them that “sweet quiet mild mannered Matt” really is a comedic genius at home, and that’s pretty much what we are like 24-7 around here. Then he came up and squeezed me, called me a megahottie, and smootched me.  He needed to change out of his costume, so I hung around for a while, waiting for him. And I was chatting with Sonnia in the lobby, who makes me laugh all the time. I needed to text Nikki, to let her know I was almost on my way to get the kids. As I unzipped the back pocket on my purse, the darndest thing happened.

The zipper head flew off my purse and onto the floor.

Sonnia looked at the floor, then looked at me laughing, cause she knew my backside was totally exposed under my jacket, and she said, “Two in one night?”

Yeah, I take glamour and coolness to a whole new level.

I rip it wide open, it seems.