Christmas in July

I am starting this blog off with a HUGE disclaimer.

I am going to use the V word. I’m not going to tell you when, but I feel since I have been in the company of one for the past 33 years, I am entitled to use the word once in a while. And this blog post contains no sexual content either. In fact, it’s content is the least sexy variety one could possibly have.

And thus begins my story.

This past week we have been in the middle of a heat wave. A real scorcher. That can’t be avoided, and other than making the off handed comment about the fact it’s hot outside, nothing can be done about the weather.

Likewise, nothing can be done about the fact mother nature decided this was the BEST POSSIBLE TIME to visit me. Of course, it always happens that way, doesn’t it?

Furthermore, I’m not sure if it was a reaction to the heat wave or what, but the past few days, I have been in utter agony from Frank and friends. Frank is the lone hemorrhoid left over from my pregnancies, and he acts up from time to time. But this week, for whatever reason, he has been joined by some cohorts in crime, and I will not even dignify them with names, as I did Frank. No sense inviting such riff-raff to hang around any longer than they must.

So the heat index is 80 gajillion degrees, I’m sweating buckets (as is everyone around me) and it hurts to walk. Makes for some uncomfortable moments, to say the least. It was only irritating at first, but as the week progressed, my uncomfortable state grew. And no amount of Preparation H was doing the trick.

Which brings me to this afternoon. In a state of nothing short of agony, I googled “home remedies for hemorrhoids” and started reading some forums. And there it was.

VICKS VAPO RUB.

And I thought to myself “Self, that seems like a right smart solution.”

I sent Matt to the Dollar General, and he picked up a bottle of Vicks for me. Cause there was no way I was going to walk across a parking lot without some backup.

He brought home the little bottle, I dropped my drawers, and slapped it on.

AND FINALLY.

A little relief.

Enough to allow me to be able to go do my job for the kids’ show tonight. Cause there were girls that needed curls and French rolls for their show “The Little Princess” and while the other mom’s could have covered for me, I felt I needed to be there.

I was walking around the house like things were almost normal. I wasn’t fast, per se, but I was moving without looking like I was 80, and that was an improvement. I felt that I had finally gotten the message across to Frank and friends that it was time to G.O. and I was willing to do whatever it takes to help them make a hasty retreat.

And in that moment of confidence and delight that the REAL trouble began. Because that’s just how my life works. I’m not complaining, mind you, simply speculating…

Like the fact that today my purse wound up with gum on the bottom of it, and I thought I got it all until someone put it on the couch for me, and realized I had missed a little. But thankfully it all went from the bottom of my purse and stuck on the couch, which was convenient.  Kinda.

Or the fact that today I dropped my favorite travel mug that says “I’m a mom, so I’ll be drinking this coffee when it’s cold” on the street outside and it busted. Like- into a million pieces busted.

That kinda stuff happens in my day to day- everyday. I’m pretty much used to it, and count it as part of my charm.

But tonight, there was no charm involved. Not even a little bit.

See, remember I said that mother nature had visited this week?

Well, 2 minutes before we had to leave, I decided to change my tampon, just to be safe.

I did not consider that Vicks Vapo Rub is a somewhat slimy greasy substance. It doesn’t necessarily stay where you put it.

It has a tendency to migrate.

Which I discovered NANOSECONDS after my tampon was in.

All of a sudden, I lifted off of the toilet seat and YELPED. It took me a moment to get my bearings because I was seeing stars. Like I had just stuck a popsicle in my whoosey-whatsy.

It was like having Christmas in my vagina.

Only the frosty feeling wouldn’t go away. Not even a little. I pulled out the offending tampon, which simply re-applied the little glob in the other direction. Then I took some toilet paper and tried to wipe some of it off. Problem was, the Vicks was EVERYWHERE, and the heat from my body just made it that much more un-viscous. No matter how much I wiped, still Vicks remained.  And still the ice like sensations continued. Waves of chills crept through my body, especially since the central AC vent is right in front of the toilet, and was blowing full blast, right in my general lower regions.

With tears in my eyes, I stood and yanked up my unders as simultaneously as a woman in my predicament could. Knowing there was no time for a bath before showtime, I simply had to make the best of my situation.

And I would have too, if it weren’t for the walking.

I never realized how much the inside of your ladyself rubs together when you walk. But with every step, I could feel the burnings (which were somewhat like ice and somewhat like fire) caused by Vicks and friction.

Left with no choice but to press on, I walked in as many steps as I could to the van, sat down, and relaxed.

Then I avoided stepping as I worked on little girls’ hair. I had them do the majority of moving and tried to stay as still as possible.

When every bow was in place and every curl was sprayed with Rave, I made my escape. Coming home, I tried to sit in a cool bath, which was anything but pleasant. But a hot bath would only antagonize Frank and friends. Finally, I decided that my only course of action was to hold ice packs on my rumpus and sit still.

So that’s exactly what I did, only I had no ice packs. Instead, I improvised by using wrapped up blocks of frozen cheese.

And I learned it takes me exactly 43 minutes to defrost a block of cheese with my butt cheeks…

and that Frank is a REAL pain in my butt.