I don't know what to call this...

I have been avoiding this post for over a month now.

As in “EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THE NEED TO WRITE THIS POST, I CRINGE” kind of avoidance.

I am going through some Really. Hard. Stuff. at the moment.

I can’t share all of my burdens with you, because some of it involves some serious issues that have to be resolved in court this Friday. But I can ask you to lift my family (especially the kids) up in prayer this Friday and that God would surround our family with peace. Peace is what we need most at the moment. Peace that passes all understanding.

But, here’s the kicker.

(And oh, the irony of that statement…)

The mysterious orb is back.

Not just back-

IT’S BIGGER.

I am the thinnest I have ever been in my life, weight wise. Hanging between 145 and 148 on any given day. And you can see the proof of that in my face. I look great (although I could have used a little makeup! LOL!)

But then, when you see the whole body picture, the reality of what my body is going through becomes abundantly clear. (These pictures were taken the same night) (And ignore the laundry I was in the midst of folding on my bed...)

How this pretend baby bump is driving me to madness! Mostly because as a bonafide health and fitness blogger (at least in my own head), this is frustrating. I AM FIT- but my body doesn’t look fit exactly.

Quickly, I will run down some facts so we can talk about this in complete honesty.

A. I am NOT pregnant. Not according to the EPTs and Clear Blue Easies.

B. Physically, it would be impossible for me to actually get knocked up without surgery.

C. I seem to swell up like I’ve got a pumpkin in my belly when I am stressed out to 11.

So, I’m not preggers. It’s impossible. AND YET, it feels like I am. I am suffering from the cramps you get when your belly starts poking out in a real pregnancy- the uterine ligament pains. My back aches ALL THE TIME. My feet are swelling, and if I am on my feet for too long, the sides of my calves get to feeling full and tight, and I suffer some numbness. (So I work for 45 minutes and then sit down for 15.) I am craving gummy vitamins and vegetables and fruit. I feel like something is pushing up against my lungs when I am laying flat on my back, so I have to flip from side to side so I can be comfortable.

But most of all, it feels like somebody is playing drums in my belly. Day and night. Movement. Every once in a while I catch my belly moving on its own. Not a lot, but just a little bump here and there that feels like a foot.

Now, what I am experiencing is just gas bubbling through my intestines. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that it feels like a baby kicking. Actually, it feels like more than one.

And I have dreaded talking about this because I thought I had the problem licked. When this happened in April, it took me 2 full months of dieting and walking to get the belly to go back down. And it was small compared to the size of the orb now. (Not to mention I was 162 last time, and now I’m 15 pounds smaller! Weird, huh?)  

I had let go of the hopes that God was growing a miracle in me. I had accepted it with grace, and moved on. I didn’t get bitter, nor did I doubt what God could do in my life or in my body. I am willing to let Him use my body to bring Him glory- even if that means I go through some really tough crap. Confusing crap. Crap that no one else has even heard of.

The real reason I am writing all of this down is because I am no longer willing to fall into the performance trap I am so familiar with. It is ok for me to not be perfect, to struggle, and to be wise enough to talk about it while it’s happening. So many people I know try to hold on to looking like nothing has ever gone wrong in their life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people. Life keeps throwing me curve balls.

Right now I am stressed, confused, and most of all exhausted.

Friday is almost here and I want to barf from nerves.

BUT THROUGH IT ALL- THERE IS TRUTH.

GOD IS LOVING ME.

Praise be to the LORD,
   for he showed me the wonders of his love
   when I was in a city under siege. -Psalm 31:21

GOD IS FOR ME.

This I know, that God is for me. –Psalm 56:9

GOD IS WITH ME.

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. –Zephaniah 3:17

So really, it doesn’t matter what I am FEELING. My feelings about any issues in my life cannot change the truth. Truth trumps feelings every time.

My body is converting the mega stress I am going through and giving me something else to think about. With every gas bubble, every twinge, every bump that feels like a kick- I find myself smiling. Not because I actually think it’s a baby.

But I am using those physical cues to remind me of when I was pregnant with the kids so many years ago. How I loved feeling them kick and roll inside my tummy! I am using it to remind me how precious they all are (even though they don’t always ACT precious. GRIN) and that they are the most important people in the world of Matt and Charlie. These movements I’m feeling help me remember what a miracle each of our kids are, and how lucky I am to have a husband who CHOOSES to love them. Not because he has to, but because he wants to.

This pretend baby in my swollen tummy is reminding me that I got a second chance at life, love, and happiness. And I found it all.

Every “kick” is mirroring how I had to fight the battles against my weight, my depression from the aftermath of domestic violence, my wounded self esteem, and most of all- my broken relationship with God: I BATTLED FROM THE INSIDE OUT. And I am a stronger person today because of it.

I really have no good way to end this post, other than to say that through it all:

I’m choosing joy.

I’m choosing peace.

I’m choosing to trust.

And I can say that I am thankful for it all.