Wednesday, June 23

The Anniversary

A wonderful anniversary date night with my husband has thrown me into a merciless panic stricken state.

We were discussing all of the things that we did CORRECT over the last year of our marriage. Things we were happy about. Things we enjoyed doing together. Things that were exciting for us. We were naming off quite a few. And Matt, looking at me with love in his eyes, said “You lost a bunch of weight this year!”

And I thought about it. And I did some math.

And after eating a scrumptious dinner at Red Lobster, I came home and weighed myself.

I didn’t like looking at the truth.

I don’t like it at all.

Cause I posted about our anniversary dinner last year. And I (per the usual) talked about how much I weighed that day.

Well guess what? It’s been one whole year, and I’m 5 pounds lighter. How’s that for a shot of truth in the butt?

I didn’t realize that a full year had passed since I had really applied myself to the diet. I am going to share some fun facts with you, to remind myself why I need to get back to the beginning.

1. In the first 6 months of dieting, I lost 50 pounds. When I was really applying myself I was losing an average of 1.9 pounds per week.

2. When I was dieting in the beginning, I didn’t believe it would actually work. Not for the first 3 months. Even after I started losing weight, I didn’t actually think I would lose as much as I did.

3. I looked at every pound I lost in awe and wonder.

4. I got cocky about my weight loss. (It’s the truth. I am a horrible person)

5. My body got very in shape- I could walk 8 miles before my legs got jello-ey.

6. I looked forward to working out.

Here are the not so fun facts about where I am one year later.

1. I mentally think that I know everything there is to know about dieting.

2. I consider myself “at a good place” right now.

3. I currently dread any form of exercise and have avoided it like the plague.

4. I have rekindled my love with bacon. The real stuff, not the turkey kind.

5. I do not FIGHT for the weight loss like I used too.

6. There once was a day when I took food to restaurants, got salads, and ate my own diet foods at parties. Notsomuch anymore.

7. I have straight up gotten lazy about the weight, and 99% of the time give into any food craving I have.

YUCK. I don’t like the way that reads. Or feels. Or how I look. And feel.

Matt says that I am the queen of inspirational speeches. I can give a great speech about why I am not doing what I should be doing. And he’s right. I do that every time. I tell myself I have valid reasons why I am not finding success. Why I am not fighting for the diet anymore.

And it stops here.

No more Domino’s breadbowls. No more beef house rolls. No more skipping out on exercise. No more ice cream over fruit. No more Mary cake over salads. The bullcrap stops here. No more making fun of Jillian and making love to Ben and Jerry.

Honestly, when I realized it had been a full year and I have only lost an additional 5 pounds, I was HUMILIATED. To 11. Especially because of what I learned that first 6 months.

I CAN lose weight. I can apply myself to this diet and find success. I can inspire others while doing it. I can reach my goal.

To be frank, what scared me is this. I have never been thin. In my whole life. And people started telling me how skinny I looked. And it freaked me out. Because I don’t know how to respond to that. What if I don’t look right as a skinny person? What if my body looks weird? What if my boobs totally deflate (even more than they already have) and I lose the part of me that Matt finds irresistible? (He is attracted to more than my boobs, rest assured. But let’s face it. He’s a boob man.) What if they end up 3 feet long?

These are the things I struggle with in the pit of my stomach when I can’t sleep. This is what I obsess over that stops me dead in my tracks when it comes to dieting.

And I don’t want to give in to that fear. I really don’t. Not anymore. Because a year passing with only 5 pounds leaving me (and not achieving ANY of my goals, btw) is just plain stupid. I am smarter than believing the lies of my fear. I am stronger than my greatest weakness. And I have scriptures to back it up.

Today, I am back on the Weight Watchers Wagon. I am focused and ready to fight for the final round. Think of me as Rocky Balboa fighting the Russian dude and it’s the final round. I’m beat up and bloody, but my resolve stands firm.

We are going to hyper obsess, over analyze and talk about dieting until we are blue in the face. I am going to put my “Charlie weighs” ticker on the side of the blog again, and for better or for worse, I am putting my daily weight on there. Because I need the accountability.

I am calling in every favor I have got, and feel free to flood my email with questions about how I am doing, if I am sticking to the diet, and avoiding French fries and bacon. The more the merrier. Because I won’t lie about it. And if I know you are going to ask, then I will get cracking on it.

So there you have it. That’s how our anniversary went down. With me struggling to come to terms with where I really am, and being yanked out of my fantasy world.

And it’s exactly what I needed.


Anonymous said...

I know you can do it if you keep at it. I am more than willing to workout w/you when I get cleared. Stay focused on what you want and you can achieve it. :)

Tricky Nikki

Anonymous said...

Good luck! How about when you have a craving, you e-mail me and tell me what it is and I'll eat it instead? :) Kidding about the I'll eat it part (ok, not really, because I probably would - especially since reading beef house rolls now makes me want some)

You can do this! You've come so far already. You haven't fallen off the wagon, just taken a little detour.

Amanda said...

I love your honesty. Recognising where and why you strayed off the path shows courage and self-knowledge. I have no doubt that you can and will do it.
I've not been tracking and that has really put a damper on things. It is very easy to get into a diet rut, to allow extra indulgences and stray from the path that we've set ourselves.
I know because I have many times. Like you, I'm determined to carry on, not give in and win.
With you all the way.

Kestrel said...

Just so you know, I spent the last week or two devouring every post from your archives and thus I consider myself a Charlie expert. Also, I think I love you.

I am so impressed with your progress, seriously. Even if you've only lost 5 lbs over the year, at least you didn't gain 5 lbs, right? I swear I've lost 100 lbs in the last 6 months, only it's been the same 5 lbs (don't you hate that?)

Anyway, you really have inspired me, that's for sure. I'm subbed to your blog now so I will keep e-stalking you and maybe my terrifying lurking presence will inspire you to work a little harder at avoiding all the evil sneaky yummy food out there. Man, I wish my presence would do that for me.

Anonymous said...

Okay Girl! I'll back you 110% and nag you mercilessly about using your food points and earning your activity points. And you can sass me right back and tell me to get my butt out the door and to the gym.

Oh, and if your boobs end up three feet long, you get them lifted. That's my plan.

I'm off to the Y right now to run on a treadmill and swim a few laps.

Angela Pea

Jessica @ A Blog to Brag About said...

I started Weight Watchers in February of last year. For 8 months, each week was literally a battle, and I made tons of mistakes. But by September of last year, I had lost almost 30 pounds. The reality finally sunk in: I had lost 30 pounds even though it had come off painfully slowly and I had screwed up my diet SO much along the way.

Over the next few weeks, the pounds slowly crept back on. I was so discouraged, and with the holidays coming up, I gave up and quit altogether.

Here I am, 9 months later, and I've gained all but 4 of those 30 pounds back.

You're a fighter, Charlie! Keep on struggling through. Even though you've only lost 5 pounds in a year, that's WAY better than gaining tons of it back!

We didn't one day wake up fat. The weight slowly crept on over time. Now that you're dieting, it's okay if the weight is slowly creeping off over time. That means eventually you'll be a skinny minny!

Whew. And that's all I've got for an inspirational speech.

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