Charlie wants a DOLLY

DOLLY PARTON.

(A choir of angels is singing Jolene in my head right now)

She isn’t classy, she’s a little trashy, and she’s a whole mountain-full of fun. 2 mountains full, technically. It should not be a big surprise to anyone that I am a big Dolly Parton fan. I have been since puberty. When the knockers starting blooming, my love affair with all things Dolly began. To be fair, she is the ONLY country musician that I adore and would pay to go see in concert. Otherwise, I’m not a big country fan.

But Dolly- something about her cartoonish image, like a blonde Jessica Rabbit- just draws me in. And knowing that she is one of those folks you can take at face value makes her all the more Dollylicious.

I was sick over the weekend, and then the tv went kaputz. What did I do with my time?

Read Dolly’s book “My Life and Other Unfinished Business.” I’ve read it about 30 times.

And at every stage in my life, I find yet another way that she and I are kindred spirits. It’s not the huge cans, or the love of wigs, or the over exaggeration of our makeup routines. It’s the candid honesty about the kinds of people we are and how we see the world. How we try to believe the best about everyone. How it breaks our hearts when we get taken to the cleaners.

In 1993 Dolly released the album “Slow Dancing with the Moon” and I loved it. More than just loving the album, I thought the album cover was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen before. I convinced “Chart Records” to give me the promo posters. One hung in my room until I moved out of my parents’ house.  I’m pretty sure the other is still hanging in the garage where my step-dad can enjoy it.

I used to stare at that poster while I was laying in bed- looking at Dolly- Dolly looking at me- and have conversations with her. Not in a crazy kinda way. More like in a fairy godmother kinda way.

“Dolly, I really wish this boy would like me. What can I do?”

“Dolly, I feel sad. Do you ever feel sad too?”

“Dolly, one day I want a boy to look me in the eyes. The ones on my face. I know you understand.”

And the look on her face told me she really did understand.

The only book on audio I have ever purchased was Dolly reading her book. I got it while I worked at the Cracker Barrel. I had to drive 30 minutes back and forth to work every day, so I listened to her and her homespun wisdom. I’m not a hillbilly, but I certainly came from a line of farmers who called it like they saw it.

One of my favorite expressions of Dolly’s happens to be regarding a backside.

“If I really had to haul ass, I’d have to make 2 trips.”

This woman understands me. Even though she has never met me.

Back in high school, my youth group took a trip to Gatlinburg TN. We didn’t get to go to Dollywood, (much to my chagrin) but it wasn’t for lack of begging. I wanted to see her. Just catch a glimpse. I also got into trouble when I had taped a sign in the back window of the church van that said “DOLLYWOOD OR BUST.” I always thought that would be the best bumper sticker idea ever, and was sure it would get me a meet and greet with Dolly. But I never got back down to Tennessee. And to date, I’ve never met Dolly.

I’m sure you are wondering why I am prattling on and on like a uber geeky Dollyfan (and fyi- I’m just fine with that), and it’s because I need a little more motivation to finish losing this weight. Before I thought it would be great fun if Matt took me on a cruise to celebrate losing 100 pounds. But then lots of people started getting sick and thrown overboard… that’s no good for me.

So I think it would be better if I came up with some hair brained scheme to try and get to DollyWood. Cause more than anything, I want to meet Dolly.

I’m thinking that I could start a facebook group to gain some publicity about it. But basically, I’m going to spend the next 4 months pounding out some serious promotion so I can meet Dolly when I have lost 100 pounds.

And I don’t just want to meet her. I want her to Dollyize me. Make me over. Give me some of her favorite treatments via hair and makeup. And let me be her little back woods Barbie doll. Cause she will know how to make me look best considering “our shape.” That being 2 life rafts attached to our front sides.

Everybody has to have a goal. And if a girl’s gonna dream, she may as well dream about getting a Dolly.

I’m 33 pounds away from Dolly.

Let the workouts begin.