No matter how much I prepared my heart for today, I still walked away devastated. Today I stood in a court room, pleaded on behalf of the safety of my children. Just make them stay in Illinois during Christmas. That was all I wanted. So if something bad happened, I could get to them quickly.
I knew, after talking to my attorney on Monday that is was a long shot. But I still trusted you. And today- I got called all sorts of names- including a liar (when I wasn't even stretching the truth)- and lost. My kids will be boarding a plane on Christmas day to go to Arizona. Without me. Without Matt. And the reality of that made me die a little inside.
I know I'll probably hear about this from other Christians, but I'm kinda pissed off. And it's kinda at you. I don't mean that in an "I hate you" way. I just don't understand the outcome here, and I'm mad. I've had faith in all sorts of things over the years. I've trusted you about having another baby. I've trusted you while seeking your purpose in my life. But most of all, I've trusted you DAILY to take care of my big bully.
And I didn't see that happen today. And it sucks.
I wanted you to swoop in with armies of angels and fix this. Or make time stand still and do your thing. Something, ANYTHING!
But you did nothing...
Did you get lost or something?
OK, I know that's totally not true. You never get lost. You never allow us to be in situations that you haven't given the green light for. You showed the light. It was green. But I was too busy seeing red to notice.
Honestly, God, I'm too upset at the moment to praise you like normal. It's nothing personal. I just have lost my grip. It's gonna take me a while to get it back. But I KNOW that I know that I know- YOU HAVE GOT THIS SITUATION. You have a handle on it, even when I don't. So at least someone's in control here, even if it isn't me.
That's as optimistic and faith filled as it's going to get at the moment. I prayed for a miracle. I got BUPKISS. Yet another notch in my bedpost of disappointment. The one thing I can take away from this whole big fart of a mess is this:
You still have things to grow me in. This is going to take every ounce of motherhood I have in me- because even though I'M NOT OK with my kids leaving this state and being so far from me, they can't bear the brunt of my feelings. It's not their fault. So I have to encourage them to have fun and enjoy it, even if it makes me want to gag. (I know that sounds harsh, but I've lived this hell for 12 years. I gag.) Make me the kind of mother who speaks blessings over her children as they leave her sight. The kind of mom who shows conviction, but can set her conviction aside to show compassion. Who teaches her kids that losing is a part of life, and we have to make the best of it.
But that's all I can promise at the moment. I'll grow more later. Right now, I just want to be mad. And that's all the compassion I can muster.
I don't think I can write the words "thank you for this loss" because right now, it isn't true. I'm not thankful at all. But you are a big enough God to handle my emotions- you are far more thick skinned than me. I know you understand. You aren't mad because I'm mad. You get it.
I feel like the kid who just got spanked and turns around and wants a hug. It's not fair. But you are all I've got. So I'm running into your arms, with a bee in my bonnet, and letting you deal with me.
Love - a severely pissed off Charlie
PS- I'm writing a mean song. About my ex. It's country. And I'm going to send it to Dolly Parton when it's recorded. Because she will laugh her wig right off. And it would be a wonderful twist of fate if it became a top 10 hit and I got rich. I'm calling it "Lord, I trust you- but I don't trust this man." Just putting a bug in your ear....