Thursday, December 9

Losssssst innnnnnnn Faaaaaaaaaith

Dear God-

No matter how much I prepared my heart for today, I still walked away devastated. Today I stood in a court room, pleaded on behalf of the safety of my children. Just make them stay in Illinois during Christmas. That was all I wanted. So if something bad happened, I could get to them quickly.

I knew, after talking to my attorney on Monday that is was a long shot. But I still trusted you. And today- I got called all sorts of names- including a liar (when I wasn't even stretching the truth)- and lost. My kids will be boarding a plane on Christmas day to go to Arizona. Without me. Without Matt. And the reality of that made me die a little inside.

I know I'll probably hear about this from other Christians, but I'm kinda pissed off. And it's kinda at you. I don't mean that in an "I hate you" way. I just don't understand the outcome here, and I'm mad. I've had faith in all sorts of things over the years. I've trusted you about having another baby. I've trusted you while seeking your purpose in my life. But most of all, I've trusted you DAILY to take care of my big bully.

And I didn't see that happen today. And it sucks.

I wanted you to swoop in with armies of angels and fix this. Or make time stand still and do your thing. Something, ANYTHING!

But you did nothing...

Did you get lost or something?

OK, I know that's totally not true. You never get lost. You never allow us to be in situations that you haven't given the green light for. You showed the light. It was green. But I was too busy seeing red to notice.

Honestly, God, I'm too upset at the moment to praise you like normal. It's nothing personal. I just have lost my grip. It's gonna take me a while to get it back. But I KNOW that I know that I know- YOU HAVE GOT THIS SITUATION. You have a handle on it, even when I don't. So at least someone's in control here, even if it isn't me.

That's as optimistic and faith filled as it's going to get at the moment. I prayed for a miracle. I got BUPKISS. Yet another notch in my bedpost of disappointment. The one thing I can take away from this whole big fart of a mess is this:

You still have things to grow me in. This is going to take every ounce of motherhood I have in me- because even though I'M NOT OK with my kids leaving this state and being so far from me, they can't bear the brunt of my feelings. It's not their fault. So I have to encourage them to have fun and enjoy it, even if it makes me want to gag. (I know that sounds harsh, but I've lived this hell for 12 years. I gag.) Make me the kind of mother who speaks blessings over her children as they leave her sight. The kind of mom who shows conviction, but can set her conviction aside to show compassion. Who teaches her kids that losing is a part of life, and we have to make the best of it.

But that's all I can promise at the moment. I'll grow more later. Right now, I just want to be mad. And that's all the compassion I can muster.

I don't think I can write the words "thank you for this loss" because right now, it isn't true. I'm not thankful at all. But you are a big enough God to handle my emotions- you are far more thick skinned than me. I know you understand. You aren't mad because I'm mad. You get it.

I feel like the kid who just got spanked and turns around and wants a hug. It's not fair. But you are all I've got. So I'm running into your arms, with a bee in my bonnet, and letting you deal with me.

Love - a severely pissed off Charlie

PS- I'm writing a mean song. About my ex. It's country. And I'm going to send it to Dolly Parton when it's recorded. Because she will laugh her wig right off. And it would be a wonderful twist of fate if it became a top 10 hit and I got rich. I'm calling it "Lord, I trust you- but I don't trust this man." Just putting a bug in your ear....


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

He works in mysterious ways... the judge, I mean.

Unreasonable Grace said...

I'm right there bawling with you, wanting to punch someone's lights out. I am encouraging you and praying
for you, because that's all I can do. But God can do A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Sweet Sister, He WILL show up in this situation! Can't wait for Dolly to get to the studio :)
Big Hug!

Colleen @ Goodbye, Fat Girl! said...

I'm starting to want to hug the mad right out of you, but this makes me mad too. All I can offer you is that I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I just can't believe something like this could happen.

You are a stronger woman than I. I'm not sure I would ever be in a position to give it over to God. But then again maybe my faith isn't quite what it should be.

Seriously, are Family Court judges allowed to have children? Because their compassion sure doesn't often lie with the innocent.

Debra said...

I am so sorry. I really thought this would turn out differently. But, what do I know? God has other plans, and he is the boss. I know that you are feeling so helpless right now. And that you are so mad you could literally hurt someone or some thing. And telling you that it will get easier is a lie, so I'm not going to go there. All I can offer you is my friendship, love, a shoulder to cry on and a ear to chew on. Love you Miss Charlie. Debbie Prentice

Anonymous said...

I'm mad right there with you Charlie. Maybe now is when you pray for snow! A CRAP ton of it. I'm talking planes grounded for DAYS!!!! That's all I think. Maybe your God couldn't sway the judge but I think He has and "in" with Mother Nature. Sending you love and strength.


Untypically Jia said...

WF as your friend and fellow WF I'm super pissed off with you. I will help plot revenge to the end of the earth...

But here's the thing...

I'm also your sister. Cause we've got the same Father *secretly points up*. And a part of me has to give you some hope because I too have been pissed at God during moments of my life. And while I don't personally know what it's like to have that lioness motherhood chip inside of my brain, I know others who do. I know my parents (meaning my Grandparents and aunts and uncles) who had to sit by chewing their nails in fear while I went off with my Dad when I was younger. They knew who he was, but they also had to have that compassion you talked about earlier. God didn't bring a miracle to them either. Or at least not the one they imagined.

And I don't know what God's plan was for me all along regarding my Dad. Maybe it was spending time with him as I grew up so I saw the person he really was. Maybe I was spending time with him because those around him at the time (my step-mother, little brothers, Grandmother) needed me and the only way to get me there was through him. Who knows, maybe while staying with my Dad that year when he was nearly homeless and living in a scary part of town, I might have said hello to someone who was in a rush, maybe they got a red light on their way to work because of that extra few seconds when had they not, a car could have hit them.

You never know what God has planned. We can ask for miracles, but we aren't just his children, we're his hands too. We help make miracles for others. So I'm hoping that your children will be safe, that they will learn something, and that maybe, just maybe God will use them to save or bless the life of someone else in Arizona, when otherwise they would have no one.


Anonymous said...

All Righty Then.

It's okay to be pissed at God. He can take it. And then He'll take it and turn it around and work it like nothing you've ever imagined.

Your kids are smart and well armored with your and Matt's love. And yes, because it is not the kids' fault, you will pull whatever you need to pull from the depths of your soul and send them off with a smile and a blessing, and then you will pray until they return safely home.

I'll be praying, too.

Lauren Thomas said...

Hey girl! First off, isn't it great that we serve a God that is totally on with us getting mad at him? He created us to be emotional beings and right now you totally have a right to be feeling those emotions.

Don't forget that even though you're mad and hurt, god is still holding you. I've found that sometimes the very best place to be is held in His arms.

And from following your blog I can tell you right now that you're one heck of a strong woman - maybe stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You're gonna come through this with flying colors....and probably a bit changed.

Much love to you!

Tanya said...

Sending you a great big *HUG* Charlie. as Jack said, the Lord works in mysterious ways. I pray that you will look back on this down the road and be able to see something positive that the Lord has brought to light. Remember - He can make something good come out of the worst situations. We don't always see the potential, especially when the situation seems so awful. I'm in no way suggesting that the court is right or that you don't have a right to be angry - I believe you do and I also believe that God wants to know our true feelings. Hang in there friend. I'll be praying for you and your kids :-) Stay strong!! said...

what a horrible thing to be going through. i am so so sorry. When we were in India doing missionary work a few years ago, i was terrified of a lot of things and especially when at times i couldn't protect my children. Its where the enemy loves to torment all us good moms. One day when i was the most terrified, I saw a giant hand holding the kids and i and i knew that no matter where we were, we were in Gods hands. There is no place on earth that Gods hands don't touch. No place away from his care. No place that your kids can't be safe - even in the midst of a storm. Read psalm 91, take communion, and DO WORSHIP HIM. I promise, you'll feel better.

Gina Covello said...

Charlie, my heart is breaking for you and I am crying right along with you. I have learned alot about trials in the past year or two and they suck and are so hard to deal with, but Paul says to consider them pure joy because our faith is made stronger to withstand the fire, more valuable than silver and gold. I know when we are going through trials, sometimes scripture sounds cliche, but you have people across the country praying for you and your children and God will not forsake you or them.

Also, if you need anything, my sister is a mom and a Christian and lives near Phoenix in Peoria. Let me know if that is near and if you want her contact info. She would be happy to help out if your kids need anything. :)

I have learned to praise God through the tears. We do not praise Him because of our circumstances, we praise Him for who He is, what He did for us (and is doing) and because He is worthy of our praise. Sometimes it is hard to praise Him, that is when others hold up your arms and pray for you, like what Aaron did for Moses. Moses needed Aaron to hold up his arms during the battle so that they could win. We will continue to hold up your arms. The battle is not yet over. :)
Love you sis,

Katie said...

Big hugs girl...we are on the other end of the stick...Jim's son who should be rotating Christmas every other year has only been with us 1 out of the last five Christmas's :( We were planning on him this year and then she dropped the bomb after Thanksgiving that she is keeping him. Her reason..not safety reasons but that we don't give enough gifts and he would rather be at her house to get moer things Christmas morning. So, I'm not sure if you saw my blog post but becuase of that, I'm only giving my kids three gifts each this year...let's see how he likes that! :(

Ginger said...

I am so sorry this didnt work out for you ;( I agree with the poster earlier, pray for snow. *hugs* It's not a sin to be mad with God every once in a while. It is finding your way back to his arms that matters ;)

Leebird said...

You are right sister...God can handle the bee if your bonnet.

I got my night vision goggles ready, and I live less than an hour from where your kids will be...I'm ready to do some spying! ;) It's gonna be OK, girl. It will.

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