In Living Color...

This is the picture that Jia made for me.

Well, technically, she didn't make it FOR me. She made it for her.

Because Jia is starting out at almost the same size I was- pound for pound, inch for inch.

When I look at this picture, it's hard for me to grasp the changes I see. Not only the physical elements, but the emotional ones as well.

There is a relief I see on my face now. Is my life any easier than when I started? Not really. But do I look at life differently now?

HOLY CRAPBALLS, YES I DO!!!!

There are chances I want to take. Items on my "Things to do before you turn 80" list I want to check off.


But most of all, I never want to live my life in the Black and White and Greys again.


See, the girl in the grey didn't take chances. She lived by playing it safe. She shut herself up in her house, limited her exposure to the outside world (can we say agoraphobia?) and lived happily in the comfort of her couch's butt-dent. She thought that failing was the worst thing that could ever happen to her.


But the girl in the color pictures?


She knows that failure isn't the worst thing that can happen.


The worst thing that could ever happen is sitting on her couch wondering "WHAT IF I HAD TRIED MY BEST?"


Failing at anything isn't such a bad thing. We take lessons away from our failures. We grow. We change our strategy. And most of all, we know what not to do next time.


For me, the growth I have encountered during my failures has been remarkable.


I didn't always lose weight every week.
...and I learned patience.

I didn't always succeed on particular diet plans.
...and I learned to listen closely to my body.

I didn't always like an exercise.
...and I learned to build character by returning until I liked it.

I didn't always fit into my goal clothes.
...and I learned to look back on the clothes that I shrunk out of instead.

I didn't always like the scale.
...and I learned to like the changes I saw in measurements and how I felt.


It's ok for us to be uncomfortable. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to feel hungry sometimes. It's ok to be dissapointed. But I wouldn't have known all those things unless I had failed in some way.

The girl who is grey in those pictures was afraid to try ANYTHING.

But the girl with the trashy bleached blonde hair is ready for adventure. She's ready to open up her life for something more than what she ever thought possible.

She's got living color.

Do you?

TAKE IT BACK

Every time I ever told myself I couldn’t lose weight…

I take it back.

Every time I ever beat myself up for letting my weight get so out of control…

I take it back.

Every moment I let the negative overwhelm me until I completely missed the positive…

I take it back.

Every second I let myself believe I was not a person of incredible worth…

I take it back.

All the times I believed I was unlovely…

Yep, taking it back.

Each situation I mishandled in my past, forgetting to show grace under pressure…

Taking it back, too.

Every time I forgot to love the woman within me as a unique individual instead of the mother/wife/domestic engineer description I usually fall into...

IT ALL COMES BACK.

Hi.

My name is Charlie.

I am an entirely new person, inside and out.

I believe in myself.

I trust the decisions and actions I make.

My love for food no longer consumes me or dictates my moods.

I am in control of me.

I will not expect myself to achieve perfection. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t be the person I am. Instead, when I mess up, have a rough day, or make a poor choice- I WILL FIX IT without turning to food or letting my brain beat myself up for being human. I will also learn new lessons from my mistakes- I will seek to find all the reasons why I make the choices I did and become an educated person.

Today, I will love myself a little bit more. I will not punish myself for the decisions of my past. Instead, I will embrace the fresh start of today and wipe my slate clean. Today is the day I will listen to my heart before listening to the voices and opinions of others. They can attempt to tell me what they think is best for my life, but I am the only one who makes lasting choices for me. I live in this body, and I will respect this body, this mind and this heart.

Today, I am a new person. I am in control of me.

Today, I am taking ME back.

You're a GRAND OLD FLAG

This is the court appointed week of my kids’ vacation with my ex. And it is extremely hard for me to walk around with my heart ripped in half during this week. It always is. These times of visitation are never easy for me.

But while my heart has been ripped in two, I have been taking time to explore the hurt parts of me that are still broken, still needing attention. They don’t come around, but 2 times a year, and instead of falling into the hole of depression and brokenness like I usually do, I am determined to make this the week I choose to see things differently.

Because that’s what hurt is for. To help you grow PAST who you used to be. To learn why things still hurt, and figure out the best way to heal your heart.

It has been 8 years since I took myself and my 3 babies into the women’s shelter. Back then, I was so exhausted, wounded and defeated, the fabric of my life was like a war-torn flag flying at half mast. I had been in such a dark place all those years, and was scared of the light. I was scared to look at my life in full view. Because I knew if I saw the broken woman I was at that time, I would start to ask questions.

“Why didn’t you stop this before it got to this point?”

“You have an almost genius IQ, and yet you were stupid enough to let this happen to you?”

“What did you do to cause all of this, because he said it was your fault…”

“What is wrong with you that someone would want to hit you and threaten your life?”

Those are questions I couldn’t face at that moment, freshly tucked away in the shelter. My first order of business was nothing more than primal survival. Making sure the kids had clean diapers on and were fed. Making sure they didn’t get hurt climbing up and down chairs and steps and things. Making sure I didn’t have a nervous breakdown. MAKING SURE I KEPT BREATHING, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted too. Those were the only things that concerned me.

It wasn’t until I had mastered those skills, that I was able to face the first of those questions. I hadn’t stopped it until it got to the point of violence I had because I trusted someone more than they deserved. When you only hear comments about what a waste of space you are, day after day after year, you begin to believe it.

I then moved from Survival Mode into re-discovering what was really inside the spaces of me. What makes me the person I am? This journey has been happening for a long long time, and I hope that it never stops. When I see parts of me I never knew existed, hidden behind the nooks and crannies of my heart, it still delights me!

I had no idea how much I enjoy GIVING. Blessing others with the things I’ve got. Sharing the things that I have. There were many times others shared with me when I didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together, and I remember what a blessing it was. To have things like toilet paper. Shampoo. Diapers. Coupons and gift cards for pizza places.

(Now that I am mastering the art of couponing, my goal is to begin to donate needed items back to the women’s shelter that saved our lives. Things like shampoo. Diapers. Food. Clothing. Toys. I know not all of you readers are from the Danville area, but I highly encourage you to call your local shelter for a list of needed items and pass it around to your friends to see what you can supply. You have no idea how much this blesses others, and it will bless your heart too. I PROMISE!)

My point is this. I know lots of you out there are flying the war-torn flags of your life at half mast. There are parts of you that are tattered and torn. You can keep running that flag up the pole day after day, or you can bring it down for a week and really look at it. See where it needs repair.

This week, with the kids being gone, I have brought my flag down and am really exploring it. “This is the time in my life I felt (this) after (that) happened.” And my goal is to begin to sew up the loose ends. Patch the holes. Re-dye the fabrics that were faded by harsh conditions. And after it’s been mended, I’m gonna run that bad boy right up the flag pole again and let that sucker fly. Even though my flag will never be shiny and new again, it will be my own. No one will ever try to claim that flag for themselves again.

When was the last time you really looked at your flag? When people see the flag of your life, what do they see? Do they see a confident woman (or man) who has paid attention to the details of their life? Or are there still big gaping holes that need to be tended too?

I am reading the book “When Women Walk In Faith” by Lysa TerKeurst, and she makes a great point. “Experiencing life change is not a matter of chance, it’s a matter of CHOICE…”

For me, this choice has been the one Lysa continues to describe. “…it’s a matter of CHOICE, choosing God’s ways instead of your own.” My faith has brought me through some of the darkest nights imaginable. While it is never my blog’s intent to be preachy, I encourage those of you who already have a relationship with God to really let that sit on your heart.

For those who perhaps don’t follow the same belief principles as I do, I highly encourage you to look deep inside your hearts. Begin to trust yourself. Become open to relationships with other like minded individuals that have been where you are. Look at their experiences, listen to their stories, look at the flags they fly over their lives.

Because no matter what has happened in your life- it is up to you to take care of your grand old flag.

Right now, my flag says “88 pounds down, and full of compassion.” (((GRIN)))

What about yours?    

I NEED MY VAN BACK!!!

Here's the deal.

We got the total bill for "Big Blue," our new mini-van that tanked out on me while I was driving to the airport to get to Fitbloggin. And it's $700.

We honestly don't have that. Not without taking another month to save up for it. And I'm getting desperate to get back Big Blue. Especially after I forgot to go pick up Matt at work yesterday afternoon, and left him sitting in his office for 30 minutes wondering where I was. (I was at home, painting the girls' toenails)

I started thinking of all the things I could do to raise the money. Sell a kidney, donate plasma, sell my treadmill (aka- the dreadmill) for a steal...

But even doing all of those things wouldn't get me close to the $700 mark. Well, perhaps selling a kidney would, but that's also illegal. So it's not going to happen.

Then I realized something. I wrote a book. A book I have been sitting on for over 3 years that I've never done anything with.

My Thinking Cap Ran Out of Batteries.

It's about motherhood and faith. And how to learn valuable lessons from the stunts your kids pull. It's really good. (But I'm biased. However, my mom, Margaret the Saint thinks it's good too! Wait, she's biased too...)

With the popularity of ebooks these days, there's really not much of a reason to kill a bunch of trees so I can be published on paper. And frankly, did I mention I'm getting desperate to get my van back?

SO...

I'm asking if you will buy my book.
(Purty Please?)

It's not even expensive. Only $9.99!


Here's the thing. I have set up a paypal merchant button on the top left hand of the blog, under the header. You will see where it says "Buy Now." If you click it, you can use pay pal or a major credit card to make your purchase. Make sure you list your email address in "notes to seller." Then, I will email you a copy of my book.

Here's the disclaimer. I don't have it available for devices like Nooks and Kindles. YET. But any money that I make over what I need to get the van back, I promise I will invest into making that happen. What you will get for the low low price of $9.99 is a document mailed to you in Word format. (I'm making chicken soup out of chicken poop, folks. It's what I've got.) If you have an issue with the format you get, just shoot me an email and I'll send you the kind you need.

Want to try before you buy? I posted a sample chapter of Thinking Cap a while back. This is Chapter 4, called TORNADO, and feel free to go back and read it before you decide. :) It is a Christian book, but it's funny and heartwarming and touching too. I grew a lot as a mother writing this book. So you might like it. It's about 100 pages long, so if you are thinking about printing it out, I want to give you fair warning.

HERE'S THE BEST PART.
I only need to sell 70 copies to get Big Blue back. THAT'S IT!!! I know I've asked you readers for lots of support emotionally, but this feels different. If I didn't think the book was good, I wouldn't do this. But I know this book means a lot to me. And since you are here, you know I don't suck so bad as a writer.

Maybe maybe maybe, could you pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top give me and my book a chance?

It just might bolstier my confidence enough to start working on "The Ultimate Fatgirl's Guide to Losing Weight and Not Hating it Too Much..." obviously that's the working title!

Much love,
Van-less Charlie

The Welcome Matt

Dear Matt-

I am writing this letter to you in a public place because I want the entire world to know how I feel about you. I think that when you love somebody it shouldn’t be a secret, and the world needs to know what a wonderful man you are.

When we first met, I brought an entire lifetime of baggage. I didn’t trust “love,” I had no self esteem on a regular basis, and quite frankly, I was a mess. But somewhere in the hot mess I was, you scooped me up and found me lovely. Worth loving. You were the first man who ever found me deserving of a true love.

And I fought you on it. We both know that. I questioned your intentions, I argued your methods of loving me, and I kicked and screamed against you, all the while craving what you brought to my life. It wasn’t because you were doing things wrong. I just had no idea what true loved really looked like. I couldn’t pick a deep and lasting relationship out of a line up with only 2 choices. I was utterly clueless.

And through it all, you loved me. More and more every day. You let me kick and scream and fight you on stupid things. You let me peel off and show you the layers of me, one painful insecurity at a time. With every mask I removed, your love only intensified for me. I don’t know why, because the parts of me you saw weren’t pretty. They weren’t lovely. They were broken and scared, terrified with each new “part” of me that you would go running for the hills.

Yet it was to my intense delight, each of these moments made you run TOWARD me. You wrapped me in your arms and reminded me that I was safe. I was loved and desired. There was no place I could go where you would not come after me.

I know that you are not a Christian, but baby, your love is more Christ-like than you will ever realize. In my heart, when I think about the love and kindness of my King, I am reminded of his champion. YOU. Even though your don’t intend for it to do so, your love has taught me to love God in a deeper way. It was your love that helped me trust God could love me like He does. I know that it’s supposed to be the other way around, God’s love changing us so we can love others, but I have never been the girl who does things in the right order anyway. However it all came down, God brought you into my life at the time I needed you most. I didn’t necessarily think I wanted the kind of love you had for me, but I can see now how much I NEEDED your love in my life. I needed the whole and complete love to be demonstrated in my life. It was then that I really began to want to be the kind of spouse you are to me in return.

So, here are a few things I love completely about you.

1. The way you provide for our family.

I know we don’t always have great things. Most of our belongings are glued together or duct taped. Or stained. And I know sometimes our money doesn’t stretch out as far as we need it too. I never really thought about how that stresses you out, especially when I am buying things I “think” we need but can really live without. Yet you never complained about the purchases I thought were important. Instead, you just tried to figure out a better way to manage things, not manage me. We both know you are MUCH better with money than me, and even though I knew that, I never loved that about you before. But knowing how important that is to you, I love it now. And I will knock off the extra spending and clip coupons till I’m blue in the face if it helps remind you what a fantastic provider you are.  You go into work every day without complaining, or needing to be prodded. You don’t work long hours like some men have too, and you always come home ready to be super daddy and mega husband. I am amazed at the level of generosity you have towards us- and to others. You are a wonderful provider.

2. The kind of Daddy you are.

The role of a step-parent is hard. You could have been one of those guys that comes into a family and says “I’m hands off- they are YOUR kids.” But from the first week, when 4 year old Natalie threw up all over your legs and into your hands as you tried to catch it, you have been the very best kind of parent. You are compassionate, tender, and patient- which is a rare combination in this day and age. Even when the kids are bouncing off the walls (as they often do) you deal with the chaos like a pro. When the kids have questions, you don’t make up answers so you look like a know-it-all. Instead, you work with them to find the correct answers and learn right alongside the kids. It takes a big man to admit he doesn’t know something in front of his kids. But you make everything fun. You take the time to let them learn how to do new tasks, even when that means the job is going to take twice as long as you originally intended. You never chastise them for the learning curve they have, or make them feel like they are doing something wrong. Instead, you are a constant source of encouragement for them to expand their wings. I look at the way our family behaves, and it warms my heart. Our kids aren’t afraid to live in this home. We are not ruled here with an iron fist. Instead, you have made sure we are safe and secure and all of us know we are loved. I am amazed at the kind of Daddy you are, and I love you all the more for it.

3. You are the Dream Weaver

This is one of the most important things for me. One day, the kids will grow up and move out. And it will just be you and I in the house. That is why I cannot thank you enough for not only encouraging me, but insisting that I pursue my dreams. Neither one of us want to wake up 20 years from now and wonder why we never took a chance at something we wanted. And you have made it clear that right now is my turn to chase down my dream of being a bonafide author and speaker. You allow me the freedom to write and make music and create. When my first article was published in P31 Magazine, you celebrated with me, cheering me on to continue what I was doing! If it hadn’t been for you reminding me that not only do I have talents, but it’s my job to use them, I would never have reached for the stars. I never realized my dreams were so important until you allowed me to keep dreaming bigger. And to keep reaching for it. The most amazing words you have ever spoken to me (besides “You are SAFE.” That’s number 1) were “I believe in you and what you can do. Go for it.” THOSE WORDS gave me a freedom I have never known. You made my dreams important, and for that I owe you more than either of us can ever pay. (Even though you are a fantastic provider!) Thank you, my darling, for believing in me.

4. The size of my Love

You loved me completely when I was the fattest I have ever been. You loved me unconditionally when I was depressed about my body. You made me feel beautiful, inside and OUT. And the fact that I’m skinnyish now hasn’t changed how you feel about me. Granted, it’s changed how I feel about me, which has allowed our love to intensify… but your love has been as constant as the stars above. You do not place limits or conditions on your love. You love me for the sake of loving me. That only makes me love you more. What a beautiful cycle that has become, huh?

I hope after reading this post, you are encouraged, my love. I could live without you, but I don’t ever want too. Thank you for being my best friend, my partner, my biggest fan, and my husband.

All my love forever-

Sugar Butt

The Weigh things have CHANGED...

Yep. I’m talking about THE BIG change.

No, not menopause…

The change from fat to skinny.

Apparently I’m there. Over the past few days, I have been in various social situations where I have come into contact with people who haven’t seen me for a while. And the reactions have been interesting.

“WOAH. You are looking great!”

“I can’t believe how incredible you look!”

“Man, you have really changed!”

Now, I would like to think all of this is because I am happy and smiling more. Because I feel more like the me I’m supposed to be than I ever have before.

 But it’s not.

People are remarking on the change they see- because my body has finally given over to the fact I’m sticking with this diet thing till the bitter end. And it’s bending to my will at last.

So on the outside, I guess things look really different. (Indulge me for a quick before and after photo session, for I cannot resist... lol)

But on the INSIDE, well, that’s where things are the most different.

But you can’t see that part in a before and after picture.

One of the phrases that stuck with me the most from Fitbloggin was when my darling friend Karen said “It’s about learning not to let the food control you, then learning how to not control the food.”

And that’s where I am.

Food doesn’t have power over me. But more importantly, my life isn’t hyperfocused on controlling my food intake either.

I still eat potato chips. The occasional breadbowl from Dominos. Chocolate cake. French Fries.

But I’ve learned how to stop stressing out over the fact I chose to eat those things. They aren’t any more or less fuel for my body than an apple, asparagus, broccoli, or skinless chicken breasts. It’s all just food to me.

They aren’t trigger foods, emotional escapes, or crutches anymore.

And I have a healthier relationship with food now than I’ve ever experienced in my entire life!

I know that lots of you on the journey of weight loss aren’t there yet. And that’s ok. It’s taken me since 2009 on this nutty diet to get there myself. And if you go back in my archives, you will be assured this feeling about food wasn’t the case for a long long time. It was a process. A really long irritating heartbreaking frustrating process. (Which was only exacerbated by owning a scale and having to take the lumps for emotional eating… which made me want to eat more… you know the cycle just as well as me.)

But now that I’m here, I refuse to let myself put food on a pedestal again. It will never hold me captive on the couch again. I’m running free now. I’ve broken out of my own fat prison.

So if you see me out and about, and want to comment on how much my body has changed, that’s totally fine. I’ll tell you I’ve lost 84 pounds (ALMOST AT 85, just ounces away!!!) and might even do a little spin.

But you can’t see the most important part of it all.

I FEEL FANTASTIC. I’m in control of all the things I should be, and have let go of the things I have no business trying to control. For the first time in my life, I’m proud of the body I’ve got- backfat, stretch marks, flabby arms and all. I’m not going to say things can’t get better, because I will never limit my opportunities for success again. Life is pretty gosh darn spectacular for me right now, but the sky really is the limit for where things can go from here!

And THAT, my friends, is the best part about the weigh things have changed!!!