Friday, May 28

Always walking the line....


You all know me well enough by now to realize every good “get back on dieting track” blog post means a trip to the grocery store. Today is no exception.

I dropped the kids off at school, and decided that I ought to get the groceries out of the way. I putted over to Walmart, as Matt and I are now strictly adhering to a budget, and started my journey into the land of Rollbacks.

Pushing my cart, which was filling up quicker than a 120 pound woman at the Olive Garden, I realized that I had forgotten an important thing. A VERY important thing I ALWAYS forget.

Had I been wearing black pants, I wouldn’t have cared. But I was wearing light grey sweatpants. If I had gone home first, I would have remembered to take care of this “thing.” But of course, in the throws of making every trip count to conserve my drastically reduced gas budget, I did not.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am somewhat of a space cadet lately. I can't seem to pull everything together. It’s not like I am forgetting important things- like feeding my family- it’s annoying stuff like putting clothes from the washer to the dryer. Or putting a pad in my purse. Or in my unders at all, as this morning’s tale proves.
Yep, I have become Forgetful Francis.

But I had already done ¾ of the grocery shopping by the time I realized I had no Always to fall back on, and I willed my uterus to shut the doors till I was done. I was not going to leave a cart brimming to the top with groceries for some poor soul to put back. I only had a few more items to get, so I did what any woman in this situation does.

I hurried.

And when I got to the line, there were about 25 shoppers, who also seemed to be in a hurry, with carts as full as mine. Of course, as Murphy’s Law would dictate, only 2 lanes were open.

So I stood. And I waited. And I panicked a little bit.

Because I knew that the light grey of my sweatpants would not hold my secret safe for long. And that’s when I saw my (well meaning) cousin behind me. He’s in his 60’s, and everytime I come to Walmart in a rush, he’s there. It’s not that I minded talking to him. He’s funny.

What I minded was that I had things on the bottom rack of my cart, and was going to have to bend over with him standing behind me.

I gracefully attempted to do a “I’m meeting the queen” curtsey with my legs crossed. Bend from the knees, Charlie, bend from the knees…

At which point, I was so worried about keeping my butt from being seen that as I qwazi bent from the knees, I cracked my head on the cart.

THWACK!!!

And then, of course, EVERYONE in Walmart was looking at me. Exactly what I needed. Better than being accused of shoplifting, I suppose, but embarrassing none the less.

I got my groceries and myself into the safety of my van, where I KNEW I had a pad stashed in the glove compartment. I hastily looked around, saw that no one was near, and I pulled the wrapper off the pad and lifted up out of the driver’s seat, to stick it in my unders. Then I wiggled and squirmed as I attempted to get the wings on. I don’t know if you have ever attempted to apply an Always in the front seat of your car while keeping your pants on and half sitting down, but I don’t advise it. Unless you are due for a Brazilian wax. Apparently I was.

And just as I got situated, I realized there was an old man in the car next to me, waiting for his wife to finish shopping. His eyes were as big as dinner plates. I am seriously hoping it was from the extreme cataracts he had. (Please, God, let him have had cataracts!)

Was the trip really worth the bananas and fruit and healthy food I got?

Not when I realized I forgot to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy on the way home.

Sigh......

7 comments:

Angela Pea said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!

I've done the Always thing in the car before...it was easier back in the day when I drove an Odyssey. Now with the civic? Eh...I just keep a towel in the car to sit on in case of emergency. Not worth breaking my kneecaps on the steering wheel.

Love you, Hon!

Stacey Smith said...

To quote Battlestar Galactica, This has all happened before.

theresa g said...

...and it will all happen again!

(hopefully not, though!)

Leebird said...

LOL!!!!!!!! Girl, I love that you don't take yourself too seriously!

You've inspired me to tell one of my "stories." I'll link mine to your blog when I get it done. Love ya!

Hillary N said...

i can't believe what you go through..;D you have such a good way with words, glad you're back, and know you're loved loved loved!

Missie said...

OMG! LOL

I think we all have a story like that we could write about. LOL

Duchess said...

You're too funny - Thanks for making my giggle at work today :0)

 
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