To say that last week was one of the toughest weeks of my life would be an understatement of epic proportions. Not only was our family dealing with my Gma Bush’s death, we were also dealing with:
1. 8 performances in 6 days of Snow White and Friends.
2. Mama here stage managing 6 performances of the 8.
3. Racy Tracy having major surgery.
4. Teaching kids about loss and death.
5. Matt and I being emotionally distraught.
6. Constantly checking on Margaret the Saint, my brothers, and other family members to make sure they were doing ok.
7. Me writing a song and a eulogy for Gma’s service.
8. Dealing with a serious throat infection and sinusitis.
9. PMS. I was due for another round of Mother Nature’s wrath during this time.
10. Trying not to fall apart at any given moment.
So it should be no surprise that my house was hit by a tornado, I have what feels like millions of emails to catch up on, and I am missing most reasonable things in my pantry that resemble respectable and proper diet food.
What I can tell you is that I received such an outpouring of love from my readers! Not one single day passed when I didn’t get an encouraging email or phone call from someone who was sending me extra love and prayers. You all kept me afloat. And that is not an exaggeration in the slightest. I cannot thank you enough for reaching out to me, even though I was unable to reach back. Your expressions of love to me were amazing, and it has done nothing but bolster my resolve.
In otherwords, we are jumping back into the dieting game.
One of the most amazing things happened this last week that changed everything. I guess losing someone you love will either break you, or make you stronger. I chose to find life in death.
I saw all the people who knew and loved my Gma come to pay their respects. They talked about how hard she worked, her work ethic, and how she didn’t make excuses. She just made the impossible happen.
Perhaps I am making a stretch here to think that something like that could be genetic. It’s probably not. But I am running on the hope that it is. I can DO THIS. I can finish losing the weight. (Which by the way, to get to my goal of 138, I need to lose 43 more pounds. I’m sitting today at 181. Emotional eating. It’s a b---h.) If nothing else, I KNOW that I can do this. Really and truly. Here’s how I know.
Last week before the funeral and visitation, as I was painting the toenails of all my female family members (and a few brave male big toes) to match Gma’s pedicure- an idea Margaret the Saint had- I realized that there was a song in me. A song about Gma that needed to be sung. And I decided to sing it. At her funeral.
If you have ever met me in person, then you are privy to a vital piece of information. I cry at the drop of a hat. Always have. When I cry, I am unable to sing. Or butcher a piano accompaniment as I usually do.
I tried to figure out a way to record the song for Gma’s service ahead of time, so I wouldn’t lose it. But every attempt failed. And I cried out to God.
“Lord, I can’t do this! I might as well forget it, because I can’t handle this. I am unable to sing this song.”
And that was when I heard that still small voice I usually ignore.
“Then you will have to lean on me and trust that I can do this for you.”
And that was the end of that. I sat on my bed in disbelief, wondering how in the world God could part the waters of my grief- and hold back the flood of tears I so desperately wanted to cry. So I prayed that God would get me through that song. And knowing that I couldn’t pray hard enough myself, I sent out an SOS to my favorite prayer warriors- the girls that pray for me at the drop of a hat. I knew that I also wanted to speak at her funeral, but I had no idea what I wanted to say. And as soon as I sent out a Facebook message to the finest prayer warriors this side of heaven, God answered my call, and the words flowed out of me onto my computer like butter.
I had my song, I had my message. I just had to get through it all without losing my mind.
So I prayed. And I practiced. And when the fan in my bedroom was blowing the music off my keyboard, causing me much frustration, and I couldn’t find the tape, I grabbed an Always out of my purse and stuck it on the top of the music and attached it to my keyboard. And it made me giggle. Because that is something Gma would have done in my situation. You make due with what you have. And I looked up to the heavens (which resembled my ceiling at that moment) at said “Jesus, I hope you let Gma look at this, because she will laugh her butt off!” and I kept right on going.
I asked my girls to pray me to Noon on Thursday- to hold back my tears till then. And you know what?
I got through the funeral. And I didn't fall apart! Then Thursday noon came and went.
And I felt peace.
Oh, I felt utter despair, but I also felt unexplainable peace. I know that’s an oxymoron- like jumbo shrimp or plastic silverware, but I felt peace amid the sorrow. And I cried a little bit, but God has sustained me. Every moment since.
Girls, as far as the dieting goes, I need to tell you that I lost that dependence on God to sustain me through to the end goal. I started acting high and mighty like I could handle this all myself.
Like if I worked hard enough, I could do it. I could get to 138 on my own.
And I am here to tell you that I was wrong. I need to ask for your forgiveness. Because if I have led you to believe that we can do this if we are determined enough, then I have sinned.
The truth is- we can’t do it.
We can have moderate success I suppose. But the reality of dieting is that it is just like every other sin we face in our lives. We need help dealing with it. Otherwise it becomes an idol to us. And God will stop it in it’s tracks. Because HE is ELOHIM. He is our Jehovah Jireah. He is our sole provider. Nothing we can do will ever be close to what He will do- if we humble ourselves and cry out to Him.
I am not trying to give you all a sermon here, but I felt it is important to share this truth with you. Because we are in this dieting business together. And we cannot do it on our own.
I know that now. He parted the waters of my grief this last week and made a way for His work to be done, despite my humanity. He came down with His mighty Right Arm and held me tight. And I’m not leaving this place anytime soon.
So I am praying my prayer once again- a prayer that I had lost 7 months ago, right about the time I stopped losing weight. And if you want, you can pray it too. It’s been tweeked a little bit, but goes a little something like this:
I can’t do this. I cannot lose the weight. Not unless you help me. I seek your forgiveness for ever thinking I could do it on my own. I need You to make this happen. Give me wisdom to make good decisions about what I put in my mouth. I pray You would give me an attitude of humility, and guard my body against the temptations of fast food, oreos, and high fat entrees. When I am feeling weak, I ask that You would place Your hand over my mouth and keep me from blowing the day. I know I will make mistakes, but let my mistakes be minimal- let them not throw me off track very far. If I experience failure with the diet, or have a bad week, I pray that You would halt any negative self talk- no failure is a true failure if we learn from it. And hitting a plateau does not mean that WE- You and I- can’t do this together. It just means we need to work harder and draw closer to one another. As I experience success, I ask that You would remind me to give You all the glory. This is Your miracle. Not mine. And I thank you for choosing me to walk this road- I pray that I surrender in obedience, even when Food Network has me by the throat. I cannot do this on my own, and I humbly call out to You- guide me on this dieting journey. In Jesus Name- AMEN.
tales of the cupcake part one
1 day ago