Monday, May 10

Crazy on Saturday

It’s really hard when you are losing someone you love. Sometimes you just don’t know how to cope with it.

My Grandma, who is my kindred spirit, my genetic personality twin, is losing ground. Fast.

Today I sat with her at the hospital, and she curled up next to me and cried. Because it hurts. And knowing that she is in pain is tearing me up inside.

I am at that point of wishing for her sake that she would go home. Not to this home, but to heaven home. Grandma never was a Christian her entire life. But last Thursday, she became one. And we rejoiced over that! What a blessing knowing that we would see her again on the other side!

But then the reality hit me- now she is ready to go home. Am I prepared to let her go from this life?

If I was brutally honest with you, I would share that this has been a crisis of faith for me. The preacher in me is ready for her to go- to a new body, to see her loved ones, to share in the glory of Christ.

But the brat in me wants her to get better. Because she is my GMA. The one who makes me laugh and tells me how to do things better (in a loving way). The one who always swats my butt with a firm love pat.

You all may have noticed that I have been quiet lately. It’s because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to encourage folks. Because I don’t feel encouraged myself. I can’t share peace with you, because I am struggling to find peace. I’m not acting hopeful, because I don’t know WHAT to hope for.

What I do know, and don’t doubt for a second- is that God is in control. He has never moved. He has not left my side (or Grandma’s, for that matter) and will never leave. I must choose to see Him. I have to look until I find Him. Not because He has moved far away, but because I was the one who wandered.

This last week, I read the book PLAN B, and it revolutionized how I am thinking. If I told you I was having a bad week, it would be an understatement.

Gma is sick. The paycheck didn’t go as far as it should have. My ex-husband is causing me grief like you wouldn’t believe. And I am hitting bottom.

The good news here is that I am free to rest in the truth that God is controlling it all. Things are not necessarily going to work out in my favor with any of these situations. I would be foolish to think that the blanket of Christ’s love absolves me of any pain and suffering. In fact, that is the way He purifies me and makes me draw closer to Him.

In the book Plan B, the author Pete Wilson describes many reactions to the times in life we have gone from a Plan A situation to a Plan B. I am going to lose points on eloquence here, because I cannot describe to you the healing I experienced reading this book. I have often felt like my entire life has been a Plan B. Nothing ever works out the way I thought it would in my mind. And that fact has crushed me time and time again.

But it also introduced me to the idea that we worship our dreams. We focus on those aspects of our life and ignore all the others. Ladies, I have so many idols in my life, I could line them up on my block and would probably have to use both sides of the street. And that was a wakeup call that I needed desperately. In this season of my life, I don’t need to carry around anything but my Jesus.

I am making a commitment to honesty- and it’s not fun to admit these things. Right now, I am experiencing depression, grief, frustration, and have been turning inward for solace. Instead, I am going to lean on my own type of community. The Big Butt community. I am going to be brave and tell you that there is no shame what so ever in feeling these emotions. I can be angry, I can be hurt, I can cry. Because God experiences those emotions too. There are many passages in the Bible that describe the emotional state of God- He feels sorrow, jealousy, malice, and hurt. He dreams- God Himself is working toward His own dream of a world that is healed, a world at peace. The only emotion God does not feel is FEAR.

So as I am going through a time of considerable Plan B living, I am going to be rocked with emotions. But I will do my best to keep fear of the unknown at bay. The cross gives me license to live, the empty tomb promises that fear of tomorrow is useless. It may be the Saturday when I can’t see what is happening.

But Easter Sunday is coming. And God’s got everything under control.
Interested in learning more about the book Plan B by Pete Wilson? Check out this Promo!


Danielle said...

I wish I had more time to leave you a comment, but I want you to know that I am rejoicing with you in the fact that your Grandmother is now going to be safely in the arms of Jesus. That is so amazing and heart-warming and shout-worthy.

One other thing I do want to say... you cannot always be the one to make people laugh, to make them smile, even. You cannot always be the encourager, the uplifter. For if you were, how would we get the blessing of being one of those things for you? God has given you a family in His line that is here for you. And there is nothing more important and nothing more powerful that I can do for you or tell you except that I am praying.

I will be lifting up my hearts joy for your grandmother, and my sorrows that such a precious women(if she's a part of you, then I know she is) will leave behind family that loves her so much.

I love you, girl!!

Mari said...

It's okay girl. Thanks for being real. I can totally empathize with your struggle of emotions of late. I've been there, am there, and hope to move out of there. I am praying for you.

Lydia said...

Thank you so much for your encouragement to others during what is a hard time of your own. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Stephanie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I am a first time commenter, but have been a subsriber to your blog for a while. I just love that you are so real. What a blessing to know that your Grandma has Jesus in her heart now. I pray for comfort for you and yours during this hard time. The Plan B book looks like something I need to read STAT. Thanks again and many blessings to you!

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Charlie, my friend, I'm so sorry that your grandma's declining health is making you struggle so. These things are just HARD. I pray that God will comfort you and her both, and that He'll bless the time you have left with her.

And I'm so glad that book spoke to your heart! How cool is that?!

trimadsco said...

Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry that your GMA is not well. I know the pain of losing someone so dear to you. It's great that you can rejoice in knowing that she may soon be worshiping at the feet of Christ! But it's no consolation for the earthly pain that you feel. It's ok to be the shoulder that we all cry on sometimes & the one we turn to for encouragement - but it's even better when WE can all return the favor and give YOU a shoulder to lean on! We are all here for you, to share your honesty, your worries and your pain. I am praying for you and your GMA. You are so right that God never leaves our side, and even though his plan isn't always our plan, he will guide you through whatever may come.

Devin said...

It's so mentioned about 'being quiet'. Just today I was wondering about you, and I come here and see this!


I feel so badly. I just lost my Grandma in October, and it was sooooo hard, even though she was so sick and we knew it was time. She was 89...and I don't have full assurance that she was saved before she died. I am so thankful that you do.

I will be praying for you Charlie...I know what an incredibly difficult time this is. No matter how you look at it from an earthly perspective--this sucks. :(

Tami said...

Oh are so precious <3

ONe of my favorite places to be is in the lap of God, letting Him comfort me like only He can. Sounds like we are sitting there together these days :)

Anonymous said...

Oh Baby - I'm so sorry for your sadness. Like Danielle, though, my heart is singing for your Grandma! What a joy to know God! To see his face!

Hang in there, Babe. If I can do anything, pray, send tissues, eat donuts on your behalf, I'll step up for you. I'm praying anyway, because that's what I do. Just want you to know that you are Worthy of postage and of sacrifice to my own butt shrinkage.

heidi said...

Oh Charlie! I am lifting you in prayer my sweet friend!! I cried as read what you had to say. I can relate. I remember losing my GMA because she was my surrogate mother growing up who loved me so unconditionally and wasn't afraid to tell me when I was wrong. I'm sorry you are experiencing all this at once but happy you are finding God's love in all this.

{{{Big hugs}}} to you and lots of love.

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