Charlie, the Church, and the Baby

Yesterday, the kids and I were a little late to church. By the time we got there, the service had started and the place was packed. So I happily grabbed a seat in the very back couple rows, next to Dan the man and Margaret the Saint.

My buddy Suzy was behind us with her daughter and a baby.

Wait, a baby? I had not seen any mention of Suzy’s highschool daughters having a baby! So I guessed it was one of two things. Either they were watching someone else’s kid, or this was a topic that Suzy had not told the world about yet and was easing into her new role as a surprise grandma.

Then I looked (over my shoulder, of course) at her daughter. She was probably a size 2. And judging from the size of the top of baby’s head, which was all I could see because of the way the blankets were arranged, the baby was teeny tiny. Whose kid was this?

Nevertheless, if I HAD NOT BEEN LATE (stupid ice in the driveway that I got stuck on) I would have found out before church, so that was my fault. But seeing as the service was in full swing, I couldn’t talk and find out what was going on.

The music service played and went on, we had communion and offering, and finally it was time for Pastor Robbie to preach. And I was listening very intently. That is….

UNTIL THE BABY STARTED FUSSING.

From the sound of it, it was no more than a week or 2 old. It had that tiny kitten kind of cry.

I heard Suzy and her daughter fussing and fumbling around for a bottle in their diaper bag.

And it made me giggle.

Then the baby got it’s bottle. And I have NEVER IN MY LIFE heard such a hungry baby. That kid was going to town. And it had a rhythmic sucking like I had never heard before. And frankly, it was kinda loud. And Margaret the Saint and I got the giggles.

For 10 solid minutes this baby was sucking. LOUDLY. It was almost to the point that I wanted to turn around and tell this poor young mom that if she doesn’t burp the kid, it’s gonna be a long afternoon for her. But the baby fell asleep and she covered the carseat with a blanket, tent style. So I left it alone.

Well, the baby’s nap didn’t last very long, and pretty soon it started sqwaking again. This time, I turned around (in stealth mode, mind you) and saw the most hilarious thing. This young mom was changing the diaper while the kid was still in the car seat. And she whipped off the old diaper and it landed on the baby’s face. This all happened in about point 2 seconds. What the heck was going on back there? Suzy was giggling, I was giggling, and pretty soon, I put my hands which held my face down into my lap and laughed. As quietly as I could. Which resulted in me snorting a couple of times. Not as quietly as I would have preferred. Because we’ve all done dumb stuff as parents before, especially in the beginning. And this whole fiasco was just cracking me up.

Apparently, the diaper finally got changed, and the baby decided it was time to eat again.

Suck. Suck. SUCK. SUCK. SUCK.

People, I had tears streaming down my face, because it was sooooooo loud. But I’m guessing folks didn’t notice the baby’s noise over my own not-so-stifled giggles. Suzy leaned forward and said “Is that really loud?”

And Margaret the Saint and I about lost it. Because, yes. It was extremely loud in a quiet church while the sermon was happening. But what are you going to do about it? It’s a baby! In church!

That was when it happened.

THE BABY BEEPED.

I could take no more (as my poise pad was almost to the point of full capacity from laughing) and I turned around and looked.

Turns out, Suzy’s daughter had a mechanical baby for her parenting class at school, and she had to carry this doll around for a week. It was programmed to go off just like a real baby does, with diapers and feedings and crying for no reason at all for hours at a time….

And the whole time, I had thought it was the noisiest baby ever known to man. At this point, I was utterly uncontrollable. I laughed my head off.

And poor Pastor Robbie was still up there preaching. Good thing for me, I can multi-task. I heard his sermon loud and clear (And yes, I will be an Andrew, Robbie!!!), but I cannot remember laughing so hard in church since the “shrimp incident.”

Meanwhile, Margaret the Saint was torn between laughing as hard as her daughter, and being the only sense of propriety in the back 3 rows with her husband.

I turned around to Suzy, her daughter, and Wall-E and said between gasps of laughter, “I THOUGHT IT WAS A REAL BABY!!!!!”

And at that point, Margaret the Saint could take it no more and she started snickering. Poor Suzy was back there with robo-baby, just barely holding it together.

After the service, Margaret the Saint admitted that she wanted to pass back a book (which she keeps in her “Grandma-bag” for church, which has quiet toys and crayons and books) to them, just to see how I would survive that. But she chickened out.

And I’m kinda glad she did. I hadn’t brought an extra poise pad to church….