Blogging about parenting...

Nothing is new on the diet front, so I jumped over to parenting blog, What Would Erma Do? and chatted about the Objective of Parenting. So head on over, and if you like what you read, please make youself a follower! Thanks a heap, gang!

 

XOXO-

Charlie

Checking on the Listings

So the belly swelling is better today. Still not great, but it's gone down from almost 42 inches on Sunday to 38.5 today. And mentally, I keep telling myself "You are not preggers, so just relax and enjoy this. It's like you get to see your waist shrink again in rapid time!" Not everyone gets that pleasure. And heaven knows it didn't go down this fast when I lost the weight before! Happiness and joy can be found anywhere. Sometimes you just have to look really hard to find it. Thankfully, I've got lots of time to do that.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with trying to focus my mind on other things. Thinking about fun things I have to look forward too. Here are some of the items I stew on when my mind needs distraction.

1. The take down of Bank Of America in regards to our credit report. This issue with the pretend foreclosure is still a work in progress, but the good news is "If they can't prove it, they have to remove it." We are working hard to stay on top of this. As soon as it's gone, we are going to get our house. (So say a prayer everyone else who sees the house we want HATES it. Petty? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely.)

2. Fitbloggin. Is. One. Month. Away. YIKES! I still have to get my plane ticket next week, but I'm really looking forward to sharing the stage with my buddy Sue from Mrs. Fatass- Did I Just Eat That out Loud? and Jack from Jack Sh*t Gettin Fit. 2 of my favorite bloggers, and I not only get to meet them, I get to be a BRAIN TRUST about humor with them (oh the irony of that statement! Just kidding, kids. These 2 folks are crazy smart. I hope I measure up!) If that's not moving up the virtual ladder in blogger land, I don't know what is! I also get to meet a whole bunch of other great folks who I'm not going to name, because I will forget one and hurt their feelings. And I don't want to do that. Point is, it's gonna be a fun trip! (Plus, I'm meeting 2 Fit Chicks and a Mircophone! SQUEEEEEEEE!)

3. My husband thinks I'm hot. This covers a multitude of thoughts. Cause I'm like a teenage boy. 'Nuff said.

4. While my belly has been puffy, I've been able to pluck out every belly button hair with ease. I also tackled the transgender hair folicles that think I'm supposed to be growing a whisker or 2. I found a 2 inch long hair on my cheek that grew outta nowhere. Being an adult is fun, n'est pas?

5. My son told me last night that I smelled of tuna. But he told me it was the good kind of tuna. He has no idea what the "grown up" meaning of that statement is, but it floored me. I didn't know if I should laugh my head off or run to Walgreens for some Summer's Eve. Turns out, he had consumed tuna earlier in the day, so it had nothing to do with me. He just needed to brush his teeth. We both are aromatically right as rain now.

6. I went to Walgreens anyway last night because we needed charcoal. I purchased (and paid for) a long lighter for starting the grill, 2 toffee Symphony bars, and charcoal.  I left Walgreens with only my charcoal. My brain is getting older than the rest of me. I still need to go get my stuff today!

7. I am addicted to Extreme Couponing on TLC. And my friend Theresa has agreed to help me get crazy with coupons. Our goal is to be featured on the show sometime in 2012 cause we have done so well. It could happen!

8. My husband thinks I'm hot. (Yep, every 6 thoughts come back to that!)

9. My daughters need to stop getting so pretty. Also, Matt and I need to start stocking up on ammo to threaten boys with. They are no longer "little" girls.

10. My personalized bobble head makes me laugh every time I see it. Best. Gift. EVER. See?

My husband is the best gift giver in the world.

So there you have it. Straight from Charlie's Brain to your eyes. I can't wait to see what the next week brings in the way of excitement!

What do you think about when you need distractions?

When you wanna play the Shame Game...

         

So this week- it’s totally thrown me for a loop.

To be honest, I don’t know what to make of any of it. When I look back, there’s nothing I’d do differently. And the mystery of it all was why in the world did I get 2 positive pregnancy tests at home?

But I can’t dwell on that or I’ll go off the deep end.

Now I have a mysterious orb and there’s nothing in it. I’ve accepted that. My brain knows. And even though my heart wishes it was otherwise, I need to let my brain be in control so my body can accept the truth too.

I’ve been doing some online research about hysterical pregnancies. Here’s what I think happened:  my body started experiencing symptoms it couldn’t explain. But the neural pathways I’ve got translated the unusual changes into something my brain had already experienced and could process- pregnancy. And I’m thinking that’s why my belly swelled. My body simply assumed I was preggers.

In order for me to bring my body back to a state of normal, I’ve got to convince my body it’s time to stop pretending like it’s carrying a bun in the oven. Otherwise, my tummy could stay swelled up like this for months. And let’s face it folks, bikini season is drawing near, and I actually stand a shot at participating in it this year.

Until the swelling goes down, I’ve got to figure out a way to hold my head up high. There is nothing I’ve done that I should be ashamed of.

And yet, old habits die hard.

Shame is a comfortable place for me to hang out. I’ve spent a good part of my life being ashamed of my body. I’ve also been ashamed of situations I’ve ended up in.

None of those situations was harder to deal with than when I had to walk into the Women’s Shelter in my home town. When you look at your babies (who were 3, 2, and 1) so innocent and carefree, and realize the only way they will stay that way is by admitting you need help and must admit what you’ve been enduring- it breaks you in two.  As I had to talk to the counselor and describe the home life I’d had for the past 5 years- I was filled to the gills with shame. Because I knew I should have stopped it. But I couldn’t. Until that moment, sitting in that room on the second floor of the YWCA, letting the truth spill from my lips without making excuses to defend and protect the person who had been hurting me- I had never realized how much shame had built up in me.

When I started to diet, several years later, I found myself in the same type of place. Writing down what I ate in a food journal. To see the truth in black and white took courage I never knew I had. But that courage was coupled with a heaping dose of shame. I KNEW that 25 oreos wasn’t a serving. And I ate them anyway. What a shame that was.

When we experience situations like domestic violence, abuse, unhealthy relationships, and the like, we come face to face with shame. We are given the opportunity to deal with it, or continue wallowing in it until shame destroys us. I know there are other women like me, suffering shame in silence. And I’m here to tell you that no matter what you are going through- physical issues, relationship problems, mental illness, infertility, frustrations with body image (hey, even the Terminator/Governator is dealing with those!)- shame is never your best option. Instead, we need to deal with our issues head on. Be brave, and stand firm. We are human, and no one completely understands why some things happen. So we need to come to grips with the fact we aren’t perfect. And there is NO SHAME in that. None whatsoever.

For me, I found the best way of dealing with the inner demons of shame that a little levity goes a long way.  Laughter can change your brain chemistry, and bring you back around to a healthy place. So the best thing for me to do is let a laughing brain and good attitude take the lead and put the hysterics of fun back into a hysterical pregnancy.

And FYI- hysterical pregnancies, while somewhat uncommon today, are still an issue for some women. (Especially those who are desperate to conceive again. Yeah, that sounds like me.) It also happens to cats and dogs, and happened to Mary Tudor- so at least even queens of England are susceptible. I consider myself to be the one woman who talks about the things no one else likes to talk about. This topic fits the bill. If you google a hysterical pregnancy, you get lots of medical journals talking about it, but not many firsthand accounts of how a woman is dealing with it. So I will proudly step up and share what I’ve been going through.

I FEEL VERY PREGNANT. I can feel things moving in my tummy, rolling around and thumping- which are probably muscle spasms my body is generating to keep the charade going. My pubic bone aches, and my back is in desperate need of a massage. Waves of nausea come and go, and I go from being not hungry at all to being ravenous. Food still doesn’t taste right to me, but things smell fine. And then of course, the belly- which I was hopefully stroking and rubbing and calling “Mama’s little miracles”- the swollen stomach with no explanation other than an off-kilter body chemistry. The quicker I bring my bring my body and brain into agreement about this subject, the better I will feel and look. My body has got to come to grips with what my brain knows is the truth.

So while I know I am not preggers, I do still LOOK like it. And I have already determined that’s going to be the hardest part of dealing with this whole mess. People asking questions like “How far along are you?” and the like. In usual Charlie fashion, I feel some new t-shirts might be in order to keep the questions (and belly rubbers) at bay. I compiled a list of some potential t-shirt ideas and I’m going to share them with you. A) Because laughter will not make this situation any worse off than it is but could help this move along quicker, and B) I’m a sucker for some smart alec quips slapped on a shirt.

Here’s what I’ve got so far.

My uterus called my belly’s bluff.

My tummy is just faking it for attention.

My belly missed being fat.

This is a REALLY BAD bee sting.

Never get a breast augmentation from a directionally challenged doctor.

I was profoundly affected by the movie ALIENS.

This tapeworm diet was a bad idea.

Recalculating….

This is what happens when you eat baking soda and wash it down with a vinegar chaser.

My mom always said if I stuck my tongue out my face would freeze like that. I guess this applies to sticking out your belly too…

All the bubble gum I swallowed as a kid is working its way out.

Never hold in your farts, ladies, cause look what happens…

If this is how bad my bloating is, imagine how nasty my PMS is gonna be. Start running now…

My tummy likes to play family without me.

Maybe now I’ll get my own Lifetime Television made for women Movie.

Space for rent. Inquire within.

Swallowing the worm has serious side effects.

I’m just an out of work maternity supermodel…

I thought I was getting the fun kind of hysterical pregnancy.

See? I feel better already! Laughter helps me put things into proper perspective. And it helps me stave off the nagging desire to be ashamed that my body got so mixed up.

The one major positive I can take away from this whole experience- my body is ready for more babies. It jumped into action faster than the rest of me could. And if nothing else, I’m thankful I’ve got a body that’s ready for whatever comes next.

And with this “almost” pregnancy, at least I didn’t have to deal with hemorrhoids… there's something to celebrate!

No Rain

How did Noah feel when he was sitting inside the boat with his family and a zoo?

 

He knew he was supposed to be there- he had spent so many years making the boat, dealing with questions of people who thought he was losing his mind...  

And there he was, sitting on the boat of enormous and unusual size. The door was closed, his family was inside with him.

Only one thing was missing.

RAIN.

How did Noah feel when there wasn't rain?
How does a person feel when the rain isn’t falling yet but they know it's supposed to?

That’s where I am at this moment.

I’m waiting for rain.

Last night, at my big brother and Tricky Nikki's insistance, I went to the emergency room to figure out the cause of the Orb of Mystery.

After blood draws, tests, xrays and a cat scan- here’s what we discovered.

I am a remarkably healthy person- but a person in the most singular of forms. No ducks, no babies. My white blood count is fine, I have no mysterious masses lurking anywhere in my chest or abdomen, no unusual sources of concern on my lady bits or ovaries, nor pockets of poo or gas that would cause my tummy to look like it does.

There was not a single thing wrong with me.

At this point, I honestly don’t have any particular feelings about it. After a very long night, I woke up this morning and just felt- tired. I’m not bawling with disappointment, I’m not angry. I am slightly concerned about the bill we are going to receive from the hospital, but other than that- not much is going on inside my head.

I’m just feeling emotionally exhausted.

My neck hurts from looking up to the heavens, watching for the rain to start falling. After Matt and I got home from the hospital last night- having received a diagnosis of “nothing”- we sat on the couch, where I swayed between tears of frustration and laughter. (laughing because we realized the only sure thing in our lives is we are a happy family together and that no poop had backed up in our basement for the last month. Yep, this was our high point.)

I wonder how many times a person can be brought to the point of “almost blessed beyond belief” and still be happy and joyful?

This month, we almost got a house loan. We almost got pregnant. I almost got a reality tv show. (Yeah, that’s been in the works, but it’s not panning out to be a good fit for us or the producer. And that’s totally fine.)

But when I look back over this last month, I see that if nothing else went right- our family stayed true to being the kind of people we strive to be:

Hopeful dreamers who believe anything can happen.

We showed remarkable faith. And now that things didn’t go down quite the way we thought they would, we aren’t throwing ourselves a pity party. This is how life is. How life works. We could be horrid hateful people and probably get anything we want. That’s usually how things happen to people who live lives of questionable character and deceit. But that’s not how we choose to live our lives. We are content to be the underdog- at least Matt and I can sleep peacefully at night- with our arms wrapped lovingly around each other.

I wish things were different. I wish I could have told you 2 babies were on their way and there was a miracle growing inside of me. Instead, I have to chalk this up to another lesson of trusting in God, even when everything seems to point one direction, but God tells you it’s not time for the skies to start raining.

But he saw that my heart was faithful, right down to the bitter end. My heart held onto hope without questioning.

Even when there was no rain, I was waiting expectantly in the boat, ready for the ride.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments of well wishes and concern. Part of me wishes I had been silent and let this state of “nothingness” pass without ever talking about it. But I don’t know why God put it on my heart to share- yet he did. And I obeyed. I suppose he understands so much more than I ever will. He sees the bigger picture. All I can see is the state of affairs in front of me.

So today, even as I struggle for understanding why this crazy ordeal of nothingness happened, as I look down and see my belly still huge and feeling strange things, I know without a doubt that I trusted in God that he can do anything he wants to in my life.

Even if it doesn’t make sense.

Even when there is no rain.

The Cry of my Heart- A letter to GOD

Dear God-

Nothing is going right in my life, at least the way I want it too.

I am losing weight, my tummy is expanding, and yet there seems to be no reasonable explanation.

We are supposed to be getting a house loan, but a mysterious and inaccurate foreclosure has popped up on the credit report for no apparent reason, stalling us out from making an offer on the house of our dreams.

Everything seems to be looking like a total bust. (As is the usual state of affairs for us. GRIN) 

BUT---

YOU,

GOD…

That’s when you do your best work.

You parted the Red Sea for a million Jewish slaves who were surrounded by their enemies and brought them to safety.

You asked the widow to give up the last of the food she had to feed Elijah, and only after she had nothing left, provided her with an endless supply of provision.

 You came to heal Lazarus after he had been in the grave for 2 days, and woke him from the dead when hope had already been lost by his family.

You brought a baby to Sarah when she was long past the ability to bear a child.

You freed Paul and Silas only after they were in prison and chained up.

You healed the daughter of a leader of the Synagogue, who had already died, and brought her back to life.

And in all of these things, you never apologized for letting things look impossible.

Everyone was so amazed by what you did, no one cared how bad things seemed before you came.

Right now, my life looks impossible.

It FEELS impossible.

But I am taking comfort in your words, spoken in Mark 5:36.

“Don’t be afraid. Just believe.”

No matter what happens, I will never stop believing in what you can do. My faith is only strengthened when the world says “NO WAY.”

From the DAY my tubes were tied, as I sat in the recovery room, mourning the situation I couldn’t escape from or undo, I felt peace about one thing. You would heal me. You would fix the broken parts of me that I couldn’t stop from being damaged.

For almost 9 years, I have never doubted that. I have taken pregnancy test after pregnancy test, had my heart broken more times than I can count. I have trusted you blindly that you would rescue me from this impossible situation, with no outside help from surgery or invitro.

People have laughed.

They have felt pity on me for believing so completely.

They have been annoyed when I thought that this could be the moment you give me my miracle, and have had to watch me cry tears of disappointment when it didn't come to pass.

They have wondered if I was all there in the head.

And that's ok with me.

God, as humbly as I can, I am asking you to move in mighty ways. I offer up my heart, yet again, to be broken completely and dissapointed. If it is not a child that is making my body go haywire, then I praise you that you love me enough to say “No, not now.”

I cannot understand your ways, nor do I expect to. I have watched you work in so many situations, time and time again in my life, feeling completely confused by the direction that you were leading me. And everytime, I have become a better person, a better believer, and have drawn even closer to you. I know you hear the cries of this woman, shouting out the same prayer as Hannah, who begged for a child.

One character trait you have blessed me with is a stubborn faith. When things are darkest around me, I know that you WILL shine a light.

I know. This looks impossible. And on paper, it IS.

But when I give you the freedom to write the truth on my heart, I know that impossibility is your specialty. It's the best part of your job! 

Last year, I wrote a song about this exact situation, feeling that let down of once again not being pregnant. And 2 nights ago, you reminded me of it. As I sat and listened to the song, I cried. Because nothing has changed. And even if I am not pregnant at this moment, I would ask that my faith grows even stronger through this trial. Just as I wrote in this song, I am asking that my stubborn faith delights you. That it makes you throw back your head and laugh because it is impossible, and yet I trust you enough to keep believing year after year, disappointment after disappointment. And nothing will stop me from praising you and loving you.

And if you have heard my prayer and decided it is time for some miracles, let’s just go ahead and make it double ducks. Just for funsies.

In all things, I give you GLORY-

Charlie      

Charlie and the Orb of Mystery

When it walks like a duck,

quacks like a duck,

and looks like a duck,

but your doctor tells you it’s not a duck,

you feel like a turkey.

Since late January, I’ve been feeling like crap. I’m exhausted. I haven’t been working out. I couldn’t run a full mile without stopping to pee in my poise pad. (and ran it in 11m 21s, which is slow for me) Food doesn’t taste right. It smells just fine, but it doesn’t taste like it’s supposed to in my mouth. And if I eat something even though it doesn’t taste right to me, it makes me feel sick. My brain is total moosh, and all I want to do is take naps. I’m behind on everything that has to do with brain power- blogging, working on my novel, remembering more than 50% of my list at the grocery store, even though the list is in my hand…

And then there’s this, which has popped up over the last month…

My waist measured 34.75 inches in January when I measured it last.

Today? 40.5 inches.

But my weight?

161.0 pounds. My lowest weight as an adult. EVER.

So I have spent the last 2 days at my doctor’s office, trying to figure out what it is. I will also tell you that I had 2 positive home pregnancy tests over the weekend, but the blood test at the doctor’s office was negative. So they don’t think I’m pregnant.

Today, I had blood work drawn (again. I’m running out of arms to stick) to test my thyroid and some additional hormones. I’m guessing they don’t find anything wrong with either test. I’m betting they both come up normal.

I’m telling you all of this for one reason.

YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BEST.

It is imperative that you listen to your body. No matter what how crazy it makes you sound- (ahem… “my tubes were tied in 2002, but I had 2 positive pregnancy tests and I think I’m pregnant,” to which people think  “That girl is nuts.” But seriously, did you see the belly?), you need to be in charge of your own health care. If I find out tomorrow that the two things they tested for today are normal as I suspect they will be, I’m demanding an ultrasound.

Because they don’t KNOW my body like I do. I know what my limitations are. I know what my “normal” state is. This feeling of exhaustion, this ginormous belly, this aversion to all forms of food but bread and asparagus- those things are not normal for me.

I might be wrong about being pregnant. (perhaps it’s a tape worm of epic proportions?)

But something is going on with my body.

We just have to figure out what is happening.

 And figure out if there just might be a duck in there…

Miracles for Elephants

I’m a big believer in MIRACLES.

When seemingly impossible things happen to normal people.

I know, because I’m a walking miracle. If I look at my life, and chronicle everything that has ever happened to me, I can see that I have been the recipient of miracles more than once. More than 10 times. I’ve probably experienced more miracles than I’ll ever know this side of heaven.

So when it comes to me ASKING for miracles, I’m pretty bold about it. I ask God for crazy things- some that He gives me, and some I will never see. (for my own good, cause God has MET ME)

But when I decided to lose the weight, I knew it would take a miracle. Fat chicks like me never actually lose the weight, we just keep putting it on. That was the cycle I knew so personally. In desperation, I asked God again for one of my “Crazy Charlie Specials.” The impossible type of miracle.

Not every miracle happens in a miraculous way. Some miracles take a lot of tough decision making. A lot of sweat. Hard work. Some miracles have to be grown in the very core of our being.

I knew that I wouldn’t wake up one morning and be thinny. (Although you can bet your buttons I begged for that option.) Instead, I decided that the best way for me to tackle this one was to eat the elephant (aka: the diet) the only way I could- one bite at a time.

There are some interesting things that happen when you attempt to eat an elephant like me. Once you find your elephant, it would be a whole lot easier to walk away from it than attempt to eat it. It would be easy to say “I can’t handle an elephant of this size!” and give up. I know cause I spent the majority of my adult life thinking that I would never be ready to sit down with my elephant and dig in.

But once I finally saw the right elephant for me, something clicked. I knew this was MY elephant. It was the right time. And the elephant had my name written all over it. All the other elephants out there had been all wrong. They had someone else’s name written on it. But I had tried to eat them anyway. And I could never finish them. There are lots of half eaten elephants out there in the world that bear my dental records. Some of them only have a bite or two taken out.

But eating Charlie’s elephant has been a whole new experience. Even though not every bite has been pleasant, they have all been productive morsels. I’ve had to walk away for a week or two sometimes because I needed to get the taste of pachyderm out of my mouth, but I always came back to finish what I had started! It wasn’t the fact I was dieting that was the miracle. It was the fact that I kept coming back every day to work on my miracle. And it’s almost the slowest miracle I have experienced to date.

So what is it gonna take for you to find your elephant? Is it going to take a class reunion where you want to look your best? A doctor visit that ends with a handful of prescriptions because your body can’t tolerate the weight? Is it going to take falling into a deep depression about how you feel about yourself? (I don’t recommend that route, but it does work, although it’s pretty painful…)

And once you find your elephant, are you going to commit to working at it a little bit every day? With every single bite counting toward your goal? How long are you willing to work for your miracle? Are you willing to give it a week? A month? A year? Maybe even 3?

I’m on year 3 of eating the same dang elephant day after day after day. But I’m almost to the end. And the closer I get, the more I feel the miraculous-ness of what I’ve accomplished. I am now am thinner than I have ever been in my entire adult life. The last time I was close to this weight was exactly 11 ½ years ago. And it was only for a couple of days. But now, I’m maintaining this weight. Going down further. And my elephant doesn’t look anything like it used too. I’m almost down to the tail. And after 3 years of nothing but elephant, my tail looks pretty darn good.

Sometimes the miracle isn’t that you ate an elephant. The miracle is learning that YOU CAN eat one. Learning to believe in yourself. Finding an inner strength you never knew you had. Realizing that if you set your mind to it, eating an elephant isn’t so bad after all.

There ARE miracles for elephants, even for us.

We just have to chews to believe it.

A quick post during spring break...

Once again, I have to apologize that I've not been faithful at blogging, like I usually am. The kids are on week 3 of their spring break, and lots of that time has been goofing off with them. Not that my blog is being ignored, it's just by the time the kids are in bed and I have time to write, my brain is utter moosh and I can't string sentences together. So, again- sorry about that. Next week we will be back on track.

Lots of very exciting things have been happening around here! First off, we finally got a new van! It's a nice pre-owned Chevy Venture mini-van, and the exciting part is it has sliding doors on BOTH sides of the vehicle! Matt can now hop off to work without me taking him, and me and the kids can just run around and go have fun.

Second of (And this is the SUPER exciting part!) WE ARE FINALLY able to get a house loan!!! This has been such a long time in the making- 3 years of living in the crappy rental and finally we can plan our escape! They say you are supposed to buy the crappiest house on the nicest block. And that's kinda what we are trying to do! We had looked at a house in early December, but we didn't act on it because of the financing snafu. However, we are going to go back and take a second hard look at it and make sure that it's really for us! If you want to take a sneek peek at it with me, you can! Click here, and you can see it too! I'm so happy to share this with you- it needs lots of work (it's kinda ugly to 11 inside) but we can deal with ugly.

And finally, I'm maintaining my 75 pound goal within 3 pounds on a daily basis. That's good for me. Sometimes, my body likes to hit a number and shoot back up. But the ultimate goal is to live a normal life and still stay on track. Which I am doing. I want to make sure that when I finally hit 100 pounds lost, I can keep it there, and moving slow and steady gives my body a chance to adjust to the new normal of being 163 pounds.

I'm a pretty happy girl!

So what's been going on with you? Have I missed any news in your world? (My blog reading is even more behinder than my blog writing!) Comment below and give me the link of your favorite posts you have written over the past 2 weeks! I'll come check them out and make sure to leave you a comment! (If you have comments enabled on your blog, that is!) Happy spring break!!!!