How did Noah feel when he was sitting inside the boat with his family and a zoo?
He knew he was supposed to be there- he had spent so many years making the boat, dealing with questions of people who thought he was losing his mind...
And there he was, sitting on the boat of enormous and unusual size. The door was closed, his family was inside with him.
Only one thing was missing.
How did Noah feel when there wasn't rain?
How does a person feel when the rain isn’t falling yet but they know it's supposed to?
That’s where I am at this moment.
I’m waiting for rain.
Last night, at my big brother and Tricky Nikki's insistance, I went to the emergency room to figure out the cause of the Orb of Mystery.
After blood draws, tests, xrays and a cat scan- here’s what we discovered.
I am a remarkably healthy person- but a person in the most singular of forms. No ducks, no babies. My white blood count is fine, I have no mysterious masses lurking anywhere in my chest or abdomen, no unusual sources of concern on my lady bits or ovaries, nor pockets of poo or gas that would cause my tummy to look like it does.
There was not a single thing wrong with me.
At this point, I honestly don’t have any particular feelings about it. After a very long night, I woke up this morning and just felt- tired. I’m not bawling with disappointment, I’m not angry. I am slightly concerned about the bill we are going to receive from the hospital, but other than that- not much is going on inside my head.
I’m just feeling emotionally exhausted.
My neck hurts from looking up to the heavens, watching for the rain to start falling. After Matt and I got home from the hospital last night- having received a diagnosis of “nothing”- we sat on the couch, where I swayed between tears of frustration and laughter. (laughing because we realized the only sure thing in our lives is we are a happy family together and that no poop had backed up in our basement for the last month. Yep, this was our high point.)
I wonder how many times a person can be brought to the point of “almost blessed beyond belief” and still be happy and joyful?
This month, we almost got a house loan. We almost got pregnant. I almost got a reality tv show. (Yeah, that’s been in the works, but it’s not panning out to be a good fit for us or the producer. And that’s totally fine.)
But when I look back over this last month, I see that if nothing else went right- our family stayed true to being the kind of people we strive to be:
Hopeful dreamers who believe anything can happen.
We showed remarkable faith. And now that things didn’t go down quite the way we thought they would, we aren’t throwing ourselves a pity party. This is how life is. How life works. We could be horrid hateful people and probably get anything we want. That’s usually how things happen to people who live lives of questionable character and deceit. But that’s not how we choose to live our lives. We are content to be the underdog- at least Matt and I can sleep peacefully at night- with our arms wrapped lovingly around each other.
I wish things were different. I wish I could have told you 2 babies were on their way and there was a miracle growing inside of me. Instead, I have to chalk this up to another lesson of trusting in God, even when everything seems to point one direction, but God tells you it’s not time for the skies to start raining.
But he saw that my heart was faithful, right down to the bitter end. My heart held onto hope without questioning.
Even when there was no rain, I was waiting expectantly in the boat, ready for the ride.
Thank you all for your prayers and comments of well wishes and concern. Part of me wishes I had been silent and let this state of “nothingness” pass without ever talking about it. But I don’t know why God put it on my heart to share- yet he did. And I obeyed. I suppose he understands so much more than I ever will. He sees the bigger picture. All I can see is the state of affairs in front of me.
So today, even as I struggle for understanding why this crazy ordeal of nothingness happened, as I look down and see my belly still huge and feeling strange things, I know without a doubt that I trusted in God that he can do anything he wants to in my life.
Even if it doesn’t make sense.
Even when there is no rain.