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Wednesday, April 13
The Cry of my Heart- A letter to GOD
Nothing is going right in my life, at least the way I want it too.
I am losing weight, my tummy is expanding, and yet there seems to be no reasonable explanation.
We are supposed to be getting a house loan, but a mysterious and inaccurate foreclosure has popped up on the credit report for no apparent reason, stalling us out from making an offer on the house of our dreams.
Everything seems to be looking like a total bust. (As is the usual state of affairs for us. GRIN)
That’s when you do your best work.
You parted the Red Sea for a million Jewish slaves who were surrounded by their enemies and brought them to safety.
You asked the widow to give up the last of the food she had to feed Elijah, and only after she had nothing left, provided her with an endless supply of provision.
You came to heal Lazarus after he had been in the grave for 2 days, and woke him from the dead when hope had already been lost by his family.
You brought a baby to Sarah when she was long past the ability to bear a child.
You freed Paul and Silas only after they were in prison and chained up.
You healed the daughter of a leader of the Synagogue, who had already died, and brought her back to life.
And in all of these things, you never apologized for letting things look impossible.
Everyone was so amazed by what you did, no one cared how bad things seemed before you came.
Right now, my life looks impossible.
It FEELS impossible.
But I am taking comfort in your words, spoken in Mark 5:36.
“Don’t be afraid. Just believe.”
No matter what happens, I will never stop believing in what you can do. My faith is only strengthened when the world says “NO WAY.”
From the DAY my tubes were tied, as I sat in the recovery room, mourning the situation I couldn’t escape from or undo, I felt peace about one thing. You would heal me. You would fix the broken parts of me that I couldn’t stop from being damaged.
For almost 9 years, I have never doubted that. I have taken pregnancy test after pregnancy test, had my heart broken more times than I can count. I have trusted you blindly that you would rescue me from this impossible situation, with no outside help from surgery or invitro.
People have laughed.
They have felt pity on me for believing so completely.
They have been annoyed when I thought that this could be the moment you give me my miracle, and have had to watch me cry tears of disappointment when it didn't come to pass.
They have wondered if I was all there in the head.
And that's ok with me.
God, as humbly as I can, I am asking you to move in mighty ways. I offer up my heart, yet again, to be broken completely and dissapointed. If it is not a child that is making my body go haywire, then I praise you that you love me enough to say “No, not now.”
I cannot understand your ways, nor do I expect to. I have watched you work in so many situations, time and time again in my life, feeling completely confused by the direction that you were leading me. And everytime, I have become a better person, a better believer, and have drawn even closer to you. I know you hear the cries of this woman, shouting out the same prayer as Hannah, who begged for a child.
One character trait you have blessed me with is a stubborn faith. When things are darkest around me, I know that you WILL shine a light.
I know. This looks impossible. And on paper, it IS.
But when I give you the freedom to write the truth on my heart, I know that impossibility is your specialty. It's the best part of your job!
Last year, I wrote a song about this exact situation, feeling that let down of once again not being pregnant. And 2 nights ago, you reminded me of it. As I sat and listened to the song, I cried. Because nothing has changed. And even if I am not pregnant at this moment, I would ask that my faith grows even stronger through this trial. Just as I wrote in this song, I am asking that my stubborn faith delights you. That it makes you throw back your head and laugh because it is impossible, and yet I trust you enough to keep believing year after year, disappointment after disappointment. And nothing will stop me from praising you and loving you.
And if you have heard my prayer and decided it is time for some miracles, let’s just go ahead and make it double ducks. Just for funsies.