Monday, December 21

Baby, It's Cold Inside

I think I have a huge bullseye for germs on me.

Last week, Amy (our oldest daughter) had the sniffles, and gave it to Mom and Dad. Who consequently spent their entire weekend lazing around coughing and sneezing and sleeping because they didn’t feel like doing anything else. Well, we did accomplish some things, but nothing major.

Matt cleaned the kitchen. And sneezed. I cleaned the living room. And sneezed.

We also worked on our lines for our show. (And let me tell you there are a ton of lines. More for him, I think, but really it’s going to be interesting to get all these lines down!)

One of the greatest advantages of doing this show (that we are so proud to do, I would like to add) is the fact that we can work on it at home. Just the 2 of us. Our director Donna is there to give us the blocking, encourage us to go the right way with some of the acting, etc., but if Matt and I couldn’t have had the distinct advantage of rehearsing by ourselves at home, we probably wouldn’t have agreed to the show. We can work on the rhythms and accents at home together and have a sounding board for one another.

As it stands, we only have to get a babysitter for the kids once a week, so it’s more or less like a date night. Especially since the two of us are such scene hogs. We love it. This is fun for us!!!

But the lines...oh the lines!!! Pages and pages of them! The key to memorizing a 60 plus page script (when you have half the lines) is exactly like the diet. You do it one pound at a time. One line at a time. At first – when you look at the whole of what you need to accomplish, it’s overwhelming. It scares you and freaks you out.

But if you sit down with your script and just get one line at a time, before you know it you have a whole page knocked out! With only 59 more to go!

Why am I prattling on about this play? (it’s called “Talley’s Folly, by the way. It’s a valentine. A waltz…one-two-three, one-two-three… uh, yes, nerdily that is a line from the show.)

Because I know how to immerse myself into a character. I scrutinize my role- Sally- from every angle. Why does she say the things she says? What in her past makes her react to this situation?

What things in her past have formed her thoughts today?

And I think these are valid questions that we need to ask ourselves on this dieting venture. It’s not just a conquering of physical weight. It’s an emotional journey, as you well know. That’s why we are so prone to fail. Women are vulnerable to that emotional business. Yes, we certainly are.

I have been going through this weekend in my 7 dwarfs like state (Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and need a Doc) and doing something called a character bio. You list certain attributes of the character you will play that are important. Most of it you just have to make up. It’s the details that matter.

But some of the questions I answered about my character, Sally Talley, had me reeling with unanswered questions of my own. Like...

Skills: Phobias / Fears: Bad Habits / Vices: Quirks: Best Qualities: Worst Qualities: Key Childhood Experiences: Key Teenage Experiences: Key Adult Experiences: Favorites (food, clothing, art, music, TV show, movie, book, etc.) : Personal Goals: Professional Goals: Morality / Ethics: Style of Speech: Commonly Used Words / Slang / Jargon: Lies / Misinformation: Other Important Details:

So not all of these are pertinent, but maybe they are. If I really sit down and list out all my feelings about being fat, the experiences that carved out a plump version of me- what would I discover? Do I tell myself lies and misinformation? (I know I do. I tell myself all the time that I will wake up and have gained back all the weight I have lost. I don't believe it, but the thoughts are there...) What things are keeping me from hitting that 169 I so desperately want to see but seem to sabatoge myself from? (every single fricking fracking time. I actually ate pie crust the other day. Seriously? Pie Crust? I baked it in the oven with butter and sugar. Not fakes of either, I might add. Ug. I’m holding at 172. Mostly.)

We have got to get into the inner workings of ourselves if we want to make changes that stick. We have got to recognize our triggers. My trigger is apparently getting skinnier. Frustrating as it may be, there is some emotional glitch that keeps me holding on to the fat I have left. (And there is fat left. My tummy is a mess. All giggly and flabby…yucko.)

Plus, the adorable brown and white polkadot dress is not even close to fitting. So I have HUGE hurdles to leap. I’m still going to have to have the dress altered, but to what extent? What can I accomplish in the next 8 weeks to get me where I am hoping to be? (As you may recall, I want to perform on stage in the land of the 150’s. Uh, at this point, I think I would settle for the low 160’s, but we will see what I can do.)

This week, as I am exploring the world and inner workings of my character, I’m going to be exploring myself too. I’m going to figure out exactly what the bottom of this burning question is. I’m going to find the chase, and figure out how I can cut to it.

Will you do some exploring with me? What are your emotional triggers? What are the hang-ups you have that keep you from achieving dieting success and keep you on the yoyo of dieting and binging?

This week, as we prepare for Christmas, let’s give ourselves the gift of selfawareness. Let’s figure out what we are so scared of and conquer it together.

It’s time for coffee and some advil cold and sinus. Eeeks. I just sneezed on the computer monitor. Gross… good thing I can’t send you a cold virus from the blog… I’m looking forward to getting over this cold! It’s snot very fun!


Danielle said...

As I find myself back up 2 lbs. I keep asking myself.. "What is wrong with you?!" There is a reason why I take comfort from food, even though it's really an evil in my life. Trying to go back to my childhood and teen years to realize why that is... it's not an easy task. But, I'm getting there.

I wish I could see you guys do the play. I know you'll be great!

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

Oh my. SNOT fun at all. So sorry you're under the weather- never fun at Christmas! And with a novel to memorize! My word! How do you do that?
And I love your introspection of the character and yourself. I think that's why I love the show The Biggest Loser so much. They really get to the root of the issue and that's the best way to do it.
Get to feeling better, sweet friend! And no more sneezin on the computer! EEEWWWEEEYYY!! :)

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Good grief, you're asking hard questions today! Hmmm....

Theresa said...

Wow, such a deep, and somewhat dark post this is. You're beating yourself up a bit I think. You have already come leaps and bounds in your weight and I think you should be proud of that. Don't be so hard on yourself woman and don't sell yourself so can absolutely still do on stage in the 150's. If you need me to then I will do anything in my power to get you there! I have a little less than 5 mo to get my butt a lot smaller before I go on stage so we will keep each other motivate! (I'm starting to scare myself...who is this person!)

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