Dear Aunt Flow-
Your impending visit this Christmas is reeking much havoc this week. I am trying to keep my head above water with the plans, parties and get-togethers for the holiday season, and be the good little dieter that I (should be but am not) am, but the close proximity of your visit is really throwing a wrench in my gears. The horrormoans, the water retention, the compulsive eating for no reason at all... it's all adding up to equal a not very hopeful Christmas at all. A delicious one to be sure, as I am smelling the Bourbon roasted sweet potatoes in my crock pot as we speak, but not a good one for a skinny Christmas.
Yet even as I write this, I have a secret weapon in my arsenal. Not Midol, although it's healing powers are great, but my Iphone.
You may recall that I received it last month right after you left, and purchased an application called "Period Tracker." It has opened my eyes to the inevitable truths about our too close for comfort relationship. Because it makes it easy to track EVERYTHING that has to do with you, even if I think it doesn't. Like hunger.
See, for a long time I have blamed myself and my lack of will power for the way that I eat. When I get hungry and chow down (on 3 bowls of Capt'n Crunch Crunchberries in the middle of the night. And NOOOOO, they don't count as a fruit, even if they are berries), I ticked off a little box that said "Moods- hungry." When I drank a whole 2 liter of diet 7up yesterday I checked another box that said "Moods- thirsty." And when all the children were surrounding me in a 1 square foot proximity (with one attempting to sit on my lap and another quite possibly on my head) and it got on my nerves, I looked for a box that said "Moods- Claustrophobic" but settled for "Moods- Frustrated."
And I noticed a trend.
Once I ovulate, you take over with your travel plans to visit me.
It's not noticeable at first, or if you look on the surface, but when I took a second look, I realized that a lot of my issues with food are an attempt to appease you. To make you tolerable. And I have been living in ignorance about that fact for the last 20 years.
I always assumed you had me the day before you came and the next solid week once you arrived, but really it's much longer than that. I get weepy, I get mad, I get hungry, and it's all because of you.
I know this in certainty because I have changed. I now know that I want to be healthy. I strive to live within guidelines that my doctor would approve of. I eat fruits and veggies and do my best to stay away from the really fattening stuff that you seem to love so well. Like gravy, which you seem to consider a 5th food group.
And now, dear Auntie, you are on my radar. I've got your number.
Because when I am aware of your actions, I can control them. I can take charge, and talk myself off the all- you- can- eat- buffet ledge. I can do something about it.
OK, so you are coming in 3 days. Give or take an emotional breakdown or so. But I know it. I know that right now I am retaining water like nobody's business and it's adding to the weight I am working so hard to lose. I know that my muscles are achy because you have attempted to thwart Jillian Michaels attempt to Shred me. (I'm not complaining about that one, actually. She's is still eeeee-vil and my thighs are thankful for the reprieve.) But I am fully aware of the curves you are throwing at me.
And now, dear Aunt Flow, I can say no.
I can remind myself that this is simply a form of biological warfare which YOU are the cause of. I can release my frustration at the horrormoan situation and move forward. I can win against your plans. Sort of. You will win for a short period, but I am going to win the other 20 days. So watch out.
And you know what? It would be super awesome if you wouldn't keep showing up for major events. Like my 32nd birthday. Or now, for Christmas day. (Thankfully, you should be heading out the door on Christmas morning. Which is good, because the kids will be gone for a week, and let's just say that Matt and I would like to enjoy the "quiet time.")
So be aware that you are a marked member of this family now. I will be watching your every mood. Uh, every move.
I am even going to get you a gift this year. Seems fitting that you have something under the tree as well. I'm thinking about these....
Your not so nice niece,