Friday, December 11

Heavy Things to Deal With...

I really should know better by now.If you aren’t having a great day, don’t step on the scale expecting it to make you feel better.

Especially if your horrormoans have been driving you to madness and compulsive eating.

I have to tell you (because I don’t want to gloss over the truth) that I had a complete melt down, standing buck naked in my kitchen at 5am this morning. I thought I’d weigh myself quickly just to make sure I hadn’t thrown myself too far off track.

What a stupid idea.

Although I wish I could tell you a lower number, I know that if I fudge the truth now, it won’t do anybody any good. AT ALL. So here it is.

(wincing and grimacing as I type this.)


Yeah, I managed to gain myself 5 pounds in 2 days.

How is that possible?

Well, I realized I was super hungry coming home from the video store with the movie “Julia and Julie” in my clutches. So I picked up a bagel with cream cheese. But they were sold out at Royal- Donut- Royal Donut, so I went to a coffee shop and got one I don’t know the calorie/fat content of. And they didn’t have reduced fat cream cheese. And if you are going to watch that movie, please do yourself a favor and watch it with a full stomach. Because it does nothing but make you hungry. That duck dish made my mouth water!!! So I ate more. Lots more.

Then, because it’s was Wednesday, I had to watch the season finale of Top Chef on my DVR. (So bummed Kevin didn’t win. He earned it, and I would let him fatten me up with pork any day of the week!!!) That also made me hungry. So, instead of going to bed like a good girl (because I’m still fighting the insomnia) I decided to eat. Not a fiber one bar, not some 97% fat free popcorn, not even veggies. Well, I did have one veggie. A sautéed onion, mixed in with pasta and hollandaise sauce. Bliss! Pure bliss!

Then Thursday, I made a crock pot full of chili. I haven’t made any for a year, and it tasted soooooo good! I had way too much. And I also should have laid off the left over muffins. And I know it.

So did my scale.

It was not happy with me at all this morning.

More importantly, I am not happy with me.

Now before anyone starts in on a lecture, I am going to share with you what I know to be self evident truths. I will then follow with my frustration about the truths.

Truth 1: My body rages with hunger about a week and a half before my period. Some months are worse than others. This month has been the worst in a long time.

Frustration 1: Yeah, my body does get extremely hungry- like a bottomless pit, as it were. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is the fact that I made poor choices when I got that hungry. My body didn’t force me to eat an entire can of French Fried Onions. (Did I forget to mention those in my list above? There were French fried onions. Emphasis on the “were”.) I chose to eat those all by myself. After this whole time, and I still don’t know better. Wait- I DO know better. It’s like the Calvin and Hobbes comic when Calvin says “I have plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it!” That is me. Ignoring the obvious.

Truth 2: Cheating is going to happen. That’s just the way life is. Especially if you are on a diet.

Frustration 2: Yes, cheating is going to happen. But why now? I have been half cheating/ half dieting for months now, and I was ready to get over it and battle it out! I was all psyched to move past this and get into the land of 160s. Like this weekend. But instead, I am sitting here regretting eating that food. I don’t like regrets. But I am owning up to the fact that I was not thinking with my head. I was thinking with my tummy. Smooth move, ex-lax.

Truth 3: I will encounter temptation often when it comes to food.

Frustration 3: I will run into food every day. Food is everywhere. It’s not like I have the luxury of a substance abuse problem (stick with me here, I’m not being demeaning or pious. I promise.) and I can AVOID places that serve or sell that substance. I am stuck having to eat and control my addiction every single day. This is where us fat chicks run into trouble. Food is necessary. Food is emotional. Food is… frustrating. It’s like a pair of new work shoes. (Maybe I should start a blog about my obvious love of shoes. It keeps coming up, doesn’t it???) You have to wear them, but they hurt. The cause blisters. They make you ache. And I keep trying to put my junkie flip flops back on. NOT APPROPRIATE. But those flip flops are familiar. And they don’t cramp my style. I love the taste of all things fattening. Fat is familiar. And I feel the emotional pull every time I wake up. This is where us fat chicks are like the folks who have been sober for years. That desire, whether we like it or not, is still there to drink. Or shoot up. Us fatties? We eat. And we can’t avoid it or we will die.

Now that I have perhaps thoroughly depressed everyone (I know I sure am) I need to look at some positive things that are happening.

Even though I am back up to 175 today, a lot of the 5 pounds will come right back off if I behave the next 3 days. That’s just how my body works.

Even though I am wearing the number 175 today, I was wearing a 230 or so this time last year. A marked improvement. I should be proud of that fact.

Even though I am a 175 right now, I know that I can use my frustration at seeing that number to get me back on track. I don’t want to stay here, and I know that. So I have to use my anger to fuel the desire to perspire. I have been totally lazy on exercise since I got the flu in November.

Tomorrow I must do a hard workout. It is a must. Feel free to call me about it. I’m posting my number under the “contact Charlie” part of the blog. Call me Saturday afternoon and yell if I haven’t done it.

OK, I need to go to bed now. I’m exhausted and am hoping for some rest tonight. The insomnia is catching up with me, and I’m feeling the exhaustion kicking in. That’s good, because it means that the spell of me not sleeping well is almost over.

Thanks for listening, gang. It is so good to know that you all are there when I need you most!



Lindsey @ A New Life said...

Ok, when I first read this "horrormoans" I was going to send you an email reminding you to use spell check. Then I figured it out. Told you I don't have a sense of humour! :-)

Secondly, don't be discouraged in a few minor setbacks-- you have come SUCH a long way, that a few pounds have nothing on your amazing growth mentally and spiritually.

You are amazing, and you can beat this!

Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your laughter and encouragement? Brings light to my sometimes dim world.

Love you,

Autumn Mist said...

You know you can lose weight, you've lost so much already. I found when I dieted that every so often I would reach a plateau. It was as if the next lot of solid fat had to break down inside me before I could burn it off. You may well be at one of those times. I am with you all the way. Get that dress out, caress it, stroke it, and declare that you are going to be wearing it very soon. I am thinking of you.

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