Monday, October 18

Charlie VS The Woods (Take 2)

Needless to say, I'm a bit jumpy at the thought of ever entering the woods again. So when my big brother called and said he couldn't run tonight, but we could go run a trail right then, I mentally balked at the idea. Matt wasn't home this afternoon, so I had kids with me. Todd suggested my nephews could keep the kids busy while we ran.
He's always thinking about what is best for me (hoping to get a good story out of it) and convinced me that running a trail was a great idea. So I caved. And he picked up me and the kids.
We met my nephews at the state park, where they promised to go on a trail the boys had taken many many times. I stopped at the bathroom, realizing that I had forgotten to wear protection. (aka- an Always Infinity pad) So went ghetto and got a hunk of toilet paper, tucking it safely in my undies. Todd and I drove over to the trail and began our ascent up, walking at first. We always warm up first.

Pretty soon, we were past the mega hill, and ready to start running. Now, last week, I managed to eek out a mile in 11:21, but it was TOUGH. So we decided that we would take this nice and easy.

Unfortunately, nice and easy was far from the plan the trail had for us. It was rough. The terrain kept changing: up, down, up, rooty, up, flat, up, grassy, up, covered in piles of leaves... I was struggling to keep up. Worst part was that neither Todd nor I was familiar with the trail, so we had no clue how much longer it really was. Brought back lots of memories of the last time I was in the woods.

I'll be honest, I had to stop and walk several times. I have gotten better at knowing the usual route we run. I know where to slow the jog pace, where to speed it up. It's amazing how quickly the body adapts to something painful like running. But there in the woods, beautiful with the changing leaves and promise of beautiful fall weather, I was thinking one thing.


I know, this is probably silly. It wasn't like I was walking at the mall and peeing. I was working hard. Working new muscles from all the uphill distances. My arms and shoulders were beet red, a common occurrence when I run. So my bladder was the last thing on my mind. Until I realized the cheap state provided toilet paper was finished doing it's job. Had I had half a presence of mind, I would have looked behind me and observed a trail of toilet paper pieces, much like Hansel and Gretel left with bread crumbs. Worst of all, we were still jogging, with another mile to go.

With no barrier, I was forced to ignore the fact my pants were getting wetter with every running step. I had to figure out what to do. Keep running with a wad of soaked toilet paper in my drawers, or find a way to get rid of it?

I determined the best thing would be to lose as much of the soggy wad I could. I let Todd run around the next curve ahead of me, so I had privacy. Then I stopped, reached up my shorts, and tried to shake the toilet paper out doggie style (with one leg pumping). That didn't work, because the soaked TP was firmly stuck to my underwear. I finally reached into my pants, and pulled it out.


It turned into wet confetti in my hand. So there I was, in the woods, shaking off wet TP pieces off my hand like an idiot. Trying to hurry, because in order to catch up to my long legged brother, I was going to have to hustle. When the impromptu party in my pants was resolved as much as it could be, and the majority of the confetti was removed, I ran to catch up with Todd, which caused me to finish getting rid of what was left in my bladder into nothing but my shorts.

I felt like I was 5 years old all over again.

Sitting in my brother's van on the drive home I sat on one side of my hip, trying to keep the bulk of my wet shorts from touching his seat. I think next time I go to the woods, besides bringing emergency supplies, I ought to highly consider bringing a towel....

When it was all said and done, we ran at least a mile, walked another one, and also got to do step aerobics. Laundry is a great calorie burner.

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