CHARLIE IS: Fitness Inept

Yep, you read the title right. I am calling it like I see it tonight.

I am fitness inept.

This means really that I have no clue what I am doing when it comes to exercising on my own. Can I follow a DVD and get a good workout? Yes! Can I go to a class and sweat right down to my skivvies? You betcha I can! When left to my own devices, can I create a work out for myself or others that is challenging, safe, and burns calories?

Sadly, I must declare not. I have not one clue what I am doing.

I know where my core is. That is the middle part of me that never seems to go away. Do I know how to work the core so I see results? No, I don't.

I know where my abs are. So does everyone who has ever seen me since I had children. Do I know how to push those abs and tighten them up without hurting my back and neck? Absolutely not.

I can correctly identify my big butt. It's pretty simple, just reach around and point. I can hit it without much strain to my elbows. But can I do exercises that will shrink it down to the juicy, round, quarter bouncing rump I desire? Alas, I say nay, and it is a complete mystery to me.

Food I can lick. No pun intended. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I know what makes my body revolt and swell up quicker than a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade float. I also am learning the combinations that I can get away with and still maintain decent damage control.

But exercise scares me. Even still, one year into this whole process, and I hate pushing myself. I don't do it on my own either. There have been many nights during the OSCBB walking group that my super stealthy friend Lee Ann has tricked me into going that last lap because I was whiny and wanted to give up. She would engage me in my neurotic ramblings about wanting to just go home and keep me walking. Then she'd giggle half way through the final lap that we were almost done. Tricker. But I needed it. I keep showing up to walk and so does she. And she makes me go the final half mile. But there are many nights I wouldn't do it without her pushing.

What is it that scares me so much about exercise that seems to be holding me back? I know that it works. If you diet, you will see much better results if you exercise too. I have been preaching that same sermon to you all for months. But the queen of weight loss has allowed herself to remain in the dark about how to apply exercise correctly and has been dethroned by her own fears. What are those fears? Thanks for asking! I'd be happy to share them with you!

1. PAIN. Oh, not while I am doing the workout. That I can manage. It's the pain afterwords. The agonizing hurt I will feel the next day after I work out. This reason alone keeps me from giving it my all. I don't mind sharing that about 2 months back I did the Billy Blanks Bootcamp DVD for "blasting abs." And blasting it did. In fact, I was in such pain that I could hardly walk the next day. I walked very slowly during walking group that night and talked very little, for fear I would scream out in pain. People, it even hurt to pee. Do you remember the last time you worked your abs so hard that a basic function like taking a bathroom break brought you to tears? And forget about pooping. No sir, I willed my bowels to lock up for 2 days until I could at least sit down without almost fainting. That was no easy feat, either. The memory of that pain keeps me from giving it my best while exercising even today.

2. SWEAT. This may seem like a no brainer, because every human being who has ever exerted them selves a little knows that you will sweat when you work hard. But this summer, I have had a major aversion to sweating. Part of this is the extreme lack of central air we have in our crappy rental house. Our family has 2 window AC units that take the edge off the heat at best. Once you get really hot? Checkmate, my friend. Your goose is cooked. Literally. The other part of this sweat issue is the combination of swamp boob and tummy fire. Swamp boob was discussed in an earlier post, but tummy fire was not. It is the super high friction all us girls experience when our bellies hang over and rub the top of our thighs. Yes, for those of us with a little more than vanity weight to lose, we all have it. When you wear exercise clothing that keeps you tucked in, that area is pushed down and held tight, and ain't no air getting into those crevices. As horrible as it sounds, I have broken out many times even still this summer, right above the bikini line, because of that fat flap a rubbin'. Add that to my hot blooded nature, and you have a sweat factory that is prone to extreme perspiration and outbreak in uncomfortable places.

3. MY WHAT IFS. What if I do all the exercise and the tummy still doesn't bounce back and make me look like I never had babies? (Note- I can live with the stretch marks, it's the tubby flabby tummy I can't stand!) What if the tops of my arms don't shrink up and I have tons of lose arm jiggling everytime I wave my hand? What if I do all the wrong exercises and end up looking like a male body builder instead of a feminine girl? (Ok, I think we can all agree that THAT what if will never happen...)

My point in all of this is to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am fitness inept. I have no clue what I am doing, or how to make it work best for me. I have DVDs, books, and everything at my disposal except for the personal knowledge of how to do what is best for my body. I have knowledge of my own fears, but no way of knowing how to overcome those fears that hold me back.

I need a hand from someone with experience in coming back from the edge of the scale. Someone who can't eat Twinkies all dang day long and never gain a pound, but has to fight like me to keep every single pound at bay. Someone who has learned how to transform their body into something that they can be proud of.

If you know of anyone who may be like that- can you give them my blog address and/or email? I have some questions for them that its high time I asked...