I want my sexy back...

Brace yourself. This is going to be a most interesting conversation, to say the least.

So up until this last month, sexy was a word completely deleted from my vocabulary. Sexy was defined as something I saw others portraying, but it certainly wasn’t something I embraced. In my mind, there is nothing sexy about back fat unless it is hiding in the deep recesses of my girdle. Stretch marks can be hidden in the dark, but if your husband mistakenly and innocently cradles your stomach, thinking it is one of your “girls,” it can completely ruin the night’s events. All the romance in the world can’t bring you back quickly from an experience like that. Not that I was mad at him, but rather I was mad at myself. Something had to change.


And that something needed to be: changing my mental attitude from considering myself overweight and chubby to become embodiment of sexy. I want to make myself clear here. This is not so I can lure in others, because I am quite content to be a one man kind of girl. But being sexy in your mind is pretty important. It can change your whole outlook.


It’s the difference between shaving up to the knees once a week, or shaving every other day past your thighs. It’s the difference between wearing a hooded sweatshirt to the grocery store in the middle of summer cause you are too lazy to put on a bra (admit it, we’ve all done it at least once), or putting on a bra AND makeup in case you see somebody you know and want to present the best version of you that you can (in the town we live in, it’s hard NOT to see someone you know at the store. Unless you actually do have on makeup, then you don’t see anyone remotely familiar and you get disappointed because you went through all the effort. At least you looked good for the security cameras!). It’s the difference between sweat pants with crocs and fitted jeans with a nice red heal. Are you hearing me?


Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think that “sexy” has much to do with sex at all. It’s not about being uh…physically engaged with another person.

Sexy is learning to be deeply connected to yourself, to enjoy being you, and letting that joy spill over into the outward parts of your life.


Like food.


Yeppers, food can be quite sexy indeed.


There is something life changing about being attracted to your salad like it’s a green version of Brad Pitt (or insert another name of a person who is the epitome of sexy to you) and looking at that Totino’s party pizza like it’s Chris Farley. Sure, we all loved Chris Farley, and he’s great to watch from time to time. But remember the episode of Saturday Night Live when he was standing next to the beloved Patrick Swayze (I’ll miss him terribly) and they were both auditioning for Chippendale’s? There is no contest as to which one was sexier. So we have to figure out a way to make salad seem sexy to us. That’s what we must crave. That’s what we need. And making a salad sexy in our mind will make us feel sexier as well. And that will change everything- from our meal time habits to our actual bodies.


But it is most important for us to make the leap from fat to sexy on an emotional level. And here comes the hard part. How do we successfully sexify ourselves when we are in transition and don’t feel sexy at all?


I thought I would share some tips on how I have managed to change my brain from thinking of myself as a matronly mom to a hot mama, and have embraced the parts of me that I don’t really like at all…meaning my entire body.


1. Start from your drawers. Look in your underwear drawer. How many of your skivvies are older than your kids? (I admit, I still have a few from 10 years ago…) I don’t know about you, but some of my underwear could stand to see the inside of a trash bag. They have gone from white and crisp to grey and saggy. If your cotton undies have been bleached more times than your hair (or my hair, if you don't bleach), it’s time for them to go. Now, you also need to consider the style. When was the last time you purchased something with a little lace? Maybe a higher leg than your usual full coverage knickers? I’m not saying that granny panties can’t be useful, but if they are the only kind you wear 4 weeks out of the month instead of 1 week, then GET SOME VARIETY. No one else may see what you are wearing under your jeans. But if you have satin hugging your curves, you will naturally perk up your sexiness. It comes from the bottom up. In this case, quite literally.


2. Pretend you are the most beautiful person in the room. It’s easy to do if you are all alone. But if you are in a public setting, this is pretty useful. Just pretend you are like nothing anyone has ever seen before (in a good way, of course), look others in the eye, and SMILE. It’s important to remember that nothing is more powerful than someone who is genuine, so smile like you mean it. No beauty pageant Vasaline on the teeth smiles. If you reach out and take this step, people are going to notice that you have confidence enough to be real. And ladies, confidence is sexy. It may not make people buy you flowers or ask you on rendezvous to Paris (which is not our goal here anyway) but it will show people that you may have something wonderful to say, and that you are going to be a great person to get to know. Confidence is sexy.


3. It’s time for some diaper duty. No, not babies, necessarily, but it is time to pamper yourself. When was the last time you had a makeover? Most department stores offer makeovers at their cosmetics counters for free. So do companies like Avon and MaryKay. Learn a new make-up technique. Get a facial. Get a pedicure. The point is, you have got to take pride in you. As a mom, there have been many days when I was lucky to get a shower in. That has got to change. If you need to, ask a friend to come over and watch your youngins for an hour while you go upstairs and do all the girlie things we should be doing. Or call a salon and get a new doo. We just can’t be content to wash our faces and brush our teeth if we want to feel sexy again.


4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, fall into the trap of waxing or shaving bare…uh, you know where. I debated about talking about this, but you all love my honesty, so honest you are going to get. See, every 6 weeks or so, I get a little overzealous with my razor. And I always start off with the intent to just hit the bikini line, and trim things down. Trimming is good. Shaving is BAD. Not at first, when things are all smooth and fine. But day two, when you get a 5 o’clock shadow in your fruit of the looms, things are not so fine anymore. Worst part is, there’s nothing you can do besides wait till things grow out. And heaven forbid you start your period in that growing out stage and need an always. Stubble sticks and catches on the mesh lining of the pad and you wind up with discomfort to levels you never knew possible. Nothing is less sexy than me digging at my goodie patch trying to relieve the itching of a shave and a haircut on my two bits. Or succumbing to the relief that can only be found by applying diaper rash ointment to get rid of the irritation. (Works like a charm, but the ointment smells awful.) As far as the waxing goes, I have never been brave enough to get it done. I’ve had my eyebrows waxed, and I choose to pluck them myself instead. Besides, I have a hard enough time going spread eagle at the OBGYN, let alone in a salon where you know that gossip is the only form of communication. At least in the Dr’s office, they are sworn to confidentiality. Too bad they don’t offer some waxing services there…


So I hope that you will look for ways to incorporate sexiness into your life as you are changing and shrinking. Just my random thoughts for the day.


And the video I was going to make? Well, let’s just say that my hair (which is no longer pink but a really odd color) didn’t look so hot on the movie we tried to make. So this weekend I am going back to my usual blonde. As soon as I do, I will get back on the vlogs.


Till then, however, I have decided that wearing a hat is sexy…