Trashy Turkey Talk

OK, the perfect turkey video is now in the throws of editing and should be done Monday night sometime.

The turkey is made and it is DEELISH!!!!

But behind the scenes of the "Turkey Tutorial", things were not exactly going my way. At all.

Besides the fact that I didn't have time to write out and memorize a script (so I am winging it the whole way. And you can totally tell) I realized from the moment I purchased the bird that the odds were against me.

I was looking for a 15 pound turkey. Apparently that is a very popular size by way of Thanksgiving, because I couldn't find one. Searched 2 different stores, and I finally gave up and got a 12 pounder. A little puny, but it would have to do.

While purchasing the bird, I found these nifty turkey flippers that help support the turkey while lifting it up. Last year I almost scalded my hand off, so I decided the flippers were a wise investment indeed.

But when I got home, they were no where to be found. I left them at walmart. Or lost them on the way home. I have no clue where they went!

Then, being home, I got bra-less and in my comfy pants, when I realized that I had forgotten to purchase honey for my recipe. So I put off the tutorial recording from Saturday to Sunday. The family was bummed out, but they still knew they were getting a turkey soon, so they eventually settled down.

I went back to the store to purchase honey Sunday afternoon, and got everything lined up for filming. Except there was one problem. I had forgotten to pick up a disposable roasting pan. SHOOT!!!!!

Trip number 3 to the store, and of course it was raining. I had already done my hair and makeup, so the rain gave my makeup an "Alice Cooper" effect. It also gave my hair a "North Carolina in August fighting severe humidity" effect. Trying to save the last strands of hope for my hair and makeup, I ran across the parking lot in the pouring rain.

And that was when I heard something drop.

My phone. In a puddle. In 2 parts.

I bent down to pick it up, and the car that wasn't paying attention (because she was talking on her whole dry phone) screeched to a halt just moments before crushing me.

I ran into the store, mumbling, and desperately tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together while simultaneously wiping the eyeliner from my chin, which was the resting place for my soggy hair do. Or hair don't as it were. I admitted defeat, shoved the pieces in my pocket, and shopped.

I picked up the stuff I needed and started driving home. The cell phone store was on the way, so I pulled in for a minute to see if they could fix it or give me a loaner or something. I can't function without Jesus and my phone. I laid my phone on the counter and this was the conversation that followed.

Me: I broke my phone. Can you fix it?

Her (shaking the phone and a cup of water pours out): You broke your phone.

Me: I know. Can you fix it?

Her: What happened???

Me: I broke my phone.

Her: Wow, you really broke your phone.

Me (through clenched teeth): Yes. I DID. CAN YOU FIX IT?

Her: I don't know. Hey Sonja, this girl needs help.

Sonja: What happened?

Me: I BROKE MY PHONE.

Her: She broke her phone.

Sonja (coming over to inspect, shaking it and water pouring out again): Huh, you really broke your phone.

Me: Thank you. It took special training to break it like this. I'm that good.

Sonja: Hey Cliff, this girl needs your help!

Cliff: What happened?

Sonja: She broke her phone....

By this point, I am both breathing fire and laughing at how ridiculous the conversation was. Eventually, with the help of a hair dryer and a clear plastic case and some tape, we got it straightened out. It turned back on, and I dashed out of the store with a working phone. Or so I thought.

Dang it! I forgot to pick up another set of turkey flippers!

Oh well. I didn't have them last year, I could do it without them again this year.

So there was the drama. All this so you all could make a perfect turkey. And so people that call me could now sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I hope you use the tips that are disclosed on the video we are finishing up. I hope your turkey is flawless. Cause that would make today worth it.

It was a very fowl day.