Risky Business

So what does a woman back on track with her dieting look like?

Kinda like this…

Bitten up on her face with mosquito bites, dark circles under her eyes, and a look of exhaustion.

Isn’t it beautiful?

Something is drastically different within me. I can’t explain it, per se, but there has been some sort of cocoon that has opened up in my dieting life.

I am pretty sure that it has to do with experiencing sheer terror during our recent “accidental camping trip,” but it seemed to seal the deal for me. It didn’t start the change, and yet it sure made things a lot more clear in my head.

Here’s the deal. One week ago, I was terrified of being thin. I know, it sounds crazy. But I was. I was scared of dealing with something new and unknown in my life. Most of you know that I have never been smaller than 162 or 163, and that was just for a couple of days. The majority of my life, I have been hanging out in the 170+ club. Lots of times, the 200+ club. But never the 160- club. That club scared me out of my wits.

For me, and lots of you too- we like to complain about our fat, but we hide behind it. We hide inside it. It keeps us from taking risks. It makes sure we don’t set out to do something crazy. It protects us. It hinders us, but we let it.

So after fighting lots of invisible foes in the forest, I realized something. Being scared of being skinny is all in my head.

Sure, this is logical to ALL of us, including myself. It seems like such a simple thing to overcome. But it hasn’t been. This blog bears testament to that fact. I would get close to that land of 160, then I ballooned back up. Why? Because I WAS AFRAID.

If you aren’t a fat chick, or have never been one, you won’t understand this. The rest of us feel this fear every day. Dieting opens us up for failure. It’s easier to shove oreos in your mouth than to risk dieting, then blowing it, and falling flat on your face. I know that. I felt that too.

But not anymore.

I am currently hanging out at 183, a new personal best for the months of July and August, and I am pushing myself. I am no longer making excuses, and I am taking risks. (Just not in the wilderness) Today my legs HURT. I could barely walk when I woke up. But I made myself go and do water aerobics. And then I made myself swim a few extra laps. And tonight, I am going to make my family do Fat Girl Yoga before bedtime. Why?

Because that night in the woods, I faced my fears head on. And when the morning came, things weren’t nearly as scary as they seemed. In fact, although that night was the most traumatic night I have had in 7 years, that night showed me I have NOTHING to be afraid of.

Being skinny will be a change. But I won’t be worse off for it. In fact, I will walk out of the dieting wilderness and see the dawn of a new life breaking. It will be amazing! And I just know that I will have much more strength- physically, mentally, and emotionally- when it happens. I will know that I faced my imaginary foes when it was dark, and I couldn’t see what was coming at me. I will fight my way through until the path ends, and I am free from this chubby body.

I don’t care if it means that people see my cottage cheesy thighs while doing water aerobics. Or if my boobs slap the water like Shamu’s tail at Sea World. It doesn’t matter if I don’t feel like pushing myself. It’s gonna happen. Because the only thing I have been afraid of is myself. And that’s not going to cut it any longer.

I’m counting calories, fat, and fiber. I’m biting and writing. I’m sweating and swearing. But I’m tired of the way things have been for the last year. I’m tired of being in dieting limbo. I wanna see the end of the road. I want to see the sun rise of a new life.

It’s a risky business, folks. And I am finally ready to risk it all. And share my business with you along the way.

My goal for the next week is to get back into the 170s. And it’s GOING to happen. Cause I am ready to start doing what I know is right, and that means the weight is going to fall off of me. It always does if I apply myself. And I’m looking forward to hitting some huge milestones very soon. And getting back into my skinny jeans. And having those become my fat jeans.

I have no idea how to end this blog post, except to say that every encouraging word means the world to me. You readers make this journey so much better. Those of you who share, who nag (but I need the accountability, so keep it up!) who just let me know I made you laugh- every one of you keeps me inspired. And so, I shall close with this:

Thank you. I can’t do this without you.