ALONE?

So I gave myself bangs.

I did it.

Matt really likes them, and for the first time in my life, my bangs accentuate my previously chubby cheeks by making my face look thinner!

I would post a picture, but the reality is that I have YET to actually do my hair since I cut them. (I've been sporting a ponytail the whole weekend. Out of laziness? Or busyness? You decide!)

Bangs, like so many other facets of my life, were a tough call. And the build-up to the decision was much harder than living with the decision. Once I made up my mind, I enjoyed the fact that I had cut the hair. I felt lighter and more approachable. And it felt like I had made the right move.

It was the same way with running. I was scared of it for so long, but once I made up my mind and started working towards it, it became something I wanted to do. Something I kind-of enjoyed.

I'm really working towards making big changes. Appreciating the changes I'm starting to feel in my body. Looking forward to some new opportunities. Sharing some of those wonderful changes with you, so I can be a living breathing Barbie Doll of possibilities for you to look at. That's the goal.

Showing you the WHAT IFS.

But this is scary for me, being open like this. For some odd reason, the more public I become with my journey, my confessions, and my transitions- the more ALONE I feel. Not that I'm not surrounded by friends and family. Because I am.

But there are times when I feel no one else understands my journey. I think it's part of the human condition- we isolate our feelings so that no one else can help us overcome them. It's our safety net. Even if we cut our hair, or lose the weight, or win the lottery, we will still struggle with the idea of feeling alone.

But when I feel most alone, I start to remember the things I can be grateful for.

One of the things I am most thankful for is my husband, who reminded me of his love by saying those 3 little words I long to hear:

YOU ARE SAFE.

That's what I get from my husband. The opportunity to explore who I really am. There's no pressure to be someone I'm not, or to be perfect. Instead, he gives me the chance to investigate the person I am.

When was the last time you explored who you are? Do you really like doing the things you do now, or do you repeat them because you don't want to venture out into something new? If you discover something about who you are that you don't like, are you willing to put in the work to change it?

 I don't like the unknown, and so I stay in my bubble of what I'm already comfortable with. I have this routine I like to keep, and if it falters, I kinda lose my bearings. Right now, with Matt and I having one car between us, I'm going stir crazy. I'm used to hopping in the van and taking off if I need to, not wandering around my house looking at the walls. I can take Matt to work, but it requires 2- 45 minute trips, and that's just annoying. If it was warmer, I'd just walk everywhere, but it's still wintertime, so I'm not excited to take a cold walk.

My point is- I'm being whiney because I'm inconvenienced.

The main goal of this week is no longer going to be what can I point out that's wrong in my life. Instead, I'm going to start counting my blessings. And I'm starting right now.

1. I am NEVER ALONE. I am surrounded with wonderful relationships that make my life better.

2. We only have one car, but we have A CAR. There have been times in my life when I didn't even have that. I need to remember that even though I have to wait to go to the grocery store until night time, I can still get there without having to ask someone to take me or pay a taxi.

3. I have a roof over my head, and a husband who fully supports the decision for me to be a stay at home mom, and we can afford to do so.

4. My husband has a kick butt job. That's a blessing all it's own.

5. I have fantastic kids who have a great sense of humor. And if one of them gets sick, Matt and I don't have to scramble to figure out who stays home with them.

6. I have lost 71 pounds, and I'm still going. I haven't lost steam. Instead I'm looking more and more toward the end of this journey.

7. My blog readers are better than anybody else's. PERIOD.

8. I am a fighter. And I never thought I would be.

9. We are really really really close to getting a house with an additional toilet. Just like with having one car, I can't imagine the relief I will feel when we get that second can. ;)

10. I AM HAPPY.

What are your major blessings today?