Tattooey-Gooey

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been losing losing losing.

I think that trend is over for the moment, because I have fallen into hungry times. I just wasn’t interested in food before this week, but lately it’s been nothing but hunger pains in my tummy. So I’m eating.

But I’ve enjoyed the wonderful feelings of self acceptance that came with this last 15 pounds of weight loss.  Knowing that I can keep losing is wonderful- but to be frank, it was going a little too fast for my liking.

As weird as it sounds, I prefer a slow loss. And it’s taken me 3 years to get to this point when I can say that with confidence.

So, if you are my friend on Facebook, you may have noticed that the kids are on Spring Break, and I am doing my best to keep them entertained during the day. Last Friday, Natalie (our 10 year old daughter) helped me on a silly project I’d been wanting to try for a while.

I gave myself a temporary tattoo “Quarter Sleeve.”

For those of you who don’t speak tattoo-ese, a quarter sleeve looks something like this-

Tattoos on your arm, from the shoulder down to above your elbow. We decided to give it a shot, and Natalie happily helped me arrange all the tattoos and apply them. (She is the QUEEN at temporary tattoo art. Every single one of them (and we did about a hundred) came out perfect!)

It’s something I’ve been wanting to wear for a while, because I think that if you decide to get a tattoo, you need to be 100% sure that you can live with it. So this was the cheapest way to try it out. (cost me 5 bucks)

On Friday night, after the kids left for their weekend away, Matt and I went to see Julia (sister-in-law and BFF of 20+ years) in a show at Red Mask, our community theatre. I wore a cardigan sweater with a sleeveless shirt underneath, so I could pull it off and show people to see what they thought.

Here’s what I discovered- I am definitely a tattoo girl. It works for me. And Matt loved it too. Which was all the confirmation I needed. It was fun running around being the girl I feel like I am inside. A little rock and roll and all that jazz.

And, I got to see McMucsles, who I haven’t seen for a while- since we are down to one car, my workout routine has been totally scrambled up. I got to chit chat with him for a while and remind him of my everlasting adoration of what he has done for me so far, and that I will be back in full force soon enough.

When we got home Friday night, Matt thoroughly enjoyed checking out the “new ink” on my arm, and kept telling me that I was a hottie.

Now, we fast forward to Saturday. Some of the temporary tattoos had rubbed off a little (especially on the underside of my bicep)  and I knew that I wanted to really test the ink that night. I would be doing makeup for the cast of the show I had watched the night previously. It would be in their face, and I just wanted to see the reactions. It was especially cool because while I knew some of the people, there were lots of folks who didn’t know me. I wondered what their perceptions would be. I applied some fresh tattoos to the sleeve in the places where it was a little messed up, and lotioned the whole thing, so none would be peeling off.

And I fixed my hair vintage style (like I like it) and went about my makeup assignment for the night. While the show was going on, I hung out in the makeup room and took some quick pics.

And it was fun. I had a great time. I even got to see Margaret the Saint at the show and show her what Natalie and I had done!

When I got home that night my arm was itchy. I tried really hard not to scratch it, but it was SO ITCHY! And of course, the tattoos began to flake off. Matt and I went to bed that night, me scratching my arm like I had poison ivy, and I tried to get some sleep.

I woke up on Sunday morning, and my arm felt WEIRD. I tried to do my morning stretch- yawning with my arms above my head- except that my arm was STUCK to my side. CRAP. I had to work the skin loose from my side, which wasn’t very pleasant. Matt was meeting a co-star of his show before practice to run lines, so I didn’t have time to scrub the stuff off. I threw on a hooded sweatshirt over my top half, and took him to rehearsal. Then I went to the store, got crickets for our new bearded dragon, and picked up a few groceries. My arm was still itchy, but not unbearable.

When I got home, I knew I had to scrub it all off. The weird part was that if I rubbed the tattoo part with my fingers, the material used on the tats would gum up and roll into gooey little balls that stuck to my fingers.

So I sat in a hot bathtub and let the tattooed arm soak for a while. Then I began Operation Tattoo removal.

I started using one of those pouf things you use for body wash. Those HURT. It felt like I was using sandpaper on my arm. Then I tried using my fingernails, which was just as bad as the poufs. There were millions of teeny tiny goo-balls floating around in the tub, which was a good sign that the tattoo was coming off at last.

What I found worked the best was a regular old washcloth. It seemed to get the most goo off with the least amount of resistance and pain. My arm was finally scrubbed clean and while it was tender, it wasn’t much worse for the wear.

I got out of the bathtub, dried myself off, and threw on some clothes. I puttered around the house a bit, and was having a nice quiet day. Then I had to pee.

I went into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and let it rip.

As I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and began to wipe.

That’s when the trouble started.

The toilet paper seemed to be sticking. REALLY BAD.

In fact, it was like trying to run a brush through a hairsprayed bee-hive from the 60’s. IMPOSSIBLE.

What the heck was going on?

I looked down at the area in question, and realized that those itty bitty goo balls that had been floating around the bathtub had found a home.

In my lady pelt.

And by trying to wipe, I had essentially smooshed them into long sticky strands of glue. Which were holding pieces of toilet paper firm. And keeping the area stuck together. Hair and all.

I took off my clothes, got back INTO the tub, which dissolved the toilet paper, and started squirting conditioner “there.” Then I took a fine tooth comb and started working out the bits of goo. They were everywhere. And I had to stay on my knees, above the water line, otherwise they would re-congregate where they had landed before, which would only exacerbate the problem.

After about 20 minutes of furious combing and conditioning, I got the bulk of the glue out.

I then decided that maybe I should look into a Brazilian wax before I try this temporary experiment again. Or just bite the bullet and get a real tattoo.

Either way, it’s gonna be painful…