Friday, March 4

Banging it Out

Today’s post may seem like one of those emotionally empty completely vain posts. But it’s not. Really.
I am trying to decide what to do with my hair. And I can’t figure it out.
I would love to have bangs again, because I’ve got issues with my hair covering my face when I sleep and dreaming that I’m drowning. (Yeah, I do.) But I know the MOMENT I make that first cut, bangs will be deemed completely out of style, and then I’ll have to wait a year before they grow back out, and we all know how irritating that is.
The issue at hand here is that I love my long hair. But I also struggle keeping up with it. And because I like to “vintage style” my hair...
Exhibit A:

 Exhibit B:

Exhibit C: requires a lot of teasing and backcombing, and because I bleach my hair, it’s already pretty brittle. I've got lots of split ends texture on my head.
If I go to a salon, I’m scared they will tell me to cut it all off and start over.
Yet, this is not just about my hair.
This is about my body image. I use my hair to hide. Sure it’s kind of outlandish at times (I love me a good victory roll) but I often fix my hair so people won’t look at my body.
Weird, huh?
It’s the same reason I used to make power point presentations when I would sing at church at 230+ pounds. It’s all about the art of distraction.
This issue of hiding is a big emotional trigger for me. I am an extreme introvert who likes to think she’s an extrovert. (Which makes no sense unless you don’t think about it. Or know me.) I have serious boundary issues. Part of that is from my past, and how I was hurt back in the day. And because my past is not longer going to hold me back, it’s time for a change. And that means full exposure.
I don’t want to keep hiding. I want to live my life front and center.
This week, due to a combination of reasons, I didn’t audition for a musical that I really wanted to be in. But the biggest reason why? BECAUSE I GOT SCARED. I got scared that I wouldn’t be right for the part. I got scared that someone thinner would walk in and blow me out of the water. Instead of putting on my brave face and trying, I stayed home and let the chance pass me by. That is living like I used to every day. I don’t want to do that!
I haven’t been to a salon to get my hair cut in 5 years. Every haircut I’ve had during the last years was one I gave myself. They were imperfect and qwerky, just like me. To have a polished look felt like false advertising. Because I’m not polished at all. I’m more of a hot mess.
Is there shame in being a hot mess? No, I don’t think there is. But is there shame in pretending like you can’t be anything else? I think there is.
Can I be thin? Possibly. If I’m willing to do the hard sweaty work to get there.
Can I be polished? Maybe. If I take the time to work on the rough stuff.
Can I live life front and center? Sure, as long as I get off the couch.
Can I be a leading lady? I can, as long as I learn how a leading lady acts.
Can I pull off bangs and let my face shine?
I don't know. Am I ready for some real change?


KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

Oh there's so much to relate to in this post!!

I spent so many years hiding...afraid to shine. And even the times when I attempted to shine? There was someone to slap me down and tell me I didn't deserve it. And so I got fat so I wouldn't out-shine. Well let me tell you what...those days are over! For you too!

The good news about hair is that it's relatively easy to fix relatively fast. It's sort of like painting a room...if you don't like the color, you can do it over again.

As for hair...I've been wanting a change too, but not sure what! I like my hair and don't want to go too short, but at the same time I want a drastic change. I like having the flexibility of long, sort of wild hair, but wonder about a more polished look. I just don't know. I don't think my hair is a security blanket, but maybe it is?

I don't want to go short because the person who slapped me down? That person always told me my hair was too wild and too long so am I keeping it this way out of rebellion? Does my hair serve me or hinder me?

Or maybe it IS "just" hair....

I'll be checking in on you to see what you decide :-)

Primadonna said...

I love the vintage do's ... you are beautiful ... I'm sure you have been told that you look like Gwen Stefani. But how is your singing voice? You were going to audition for a musical? Actor? Singer? Stage hand?

Is there a possibility you can contact the theatre company and see if all has been assigned? Just a thought ... and perhaps they still need someone in some capacity that won't stretch you too far, yet puts you in the environment. And once there, watch out! Because you may find that the person they cast in a role you know after watching you can do in your sleep much better, is all you need to push you forward onto that next audition.

Go girl! Pleasure meeting your gutsy self here.

Morgan said...

I just went through the "to bang or not to bang?" thing, and came out of it on Monday with bangs, which it turns out I kind of love. I say go for it! It is just hair - it will always grow back!

Here is a link to the post I wrote about it:

and then what they look like now:

Danielle said...

Exhibit B is my absolute favorite pic of you. So classic!

Anyway... I say, go for it! You will look smashing anyway you wear your hair, Girl!

A new do for a new you! ;-)

Lynda with a Y said...

whatever you do. you are beautiful.

Laura (wonderwife!) said...

My last experience was just the opposite of Morgan's. Once I gave in to myself and got the bangs, I HATED them! If you are going to do bangs, maybe try where they are shorter on one side and then get longer as they go across? By the way, I LOVE your "vintage" style!

Senora Muertos said...

I understand this all too well. I have hid behind my style too for a long time, but it is me and it will always be me whether I am thin or not. I have the Betty Page bangs and long hair that I put in bouncy curls when I go out. So the question is will your current style still speak of you when you get where you want to be? You could always do Betty bangs and still rock the vintage styles. I wear victory rolls occasionally.

Maria said...

1. Thin? You are already so close to thin and you're working so hard, that's a no brainer. YES!

2. Polished? That kind of fits in with acting, learn how to turn it on and off. ;)

3. Front and center life? Yep, you're already front and center online. Remember how much people enjoy being around you!

4. Leading lady? Oh yah. Leading ladies act in a myriad of ways, so you act any way that is natural for you. You have a charisma and magnetism that draws people to you.

5. Bangs? You have a beautiful face, so go for it!

6. Ready for real change, oh yes. Go for it and let us know all about it!

Courtney said...

Did you know Exhibit A shows up on page 7 of a Google image search for "vintage hair" Well, at least it does on 3Apr11. :D I saw and immediately recognized the shot.

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