Well, I have to tell you- Wednesday didn't go so well, Couch to 5K speaking.
In fact, it didn't go at all. But the Chinese takeout I ordered in its stead was fabulous!
Actually, Wednesday overall was one of those days where you just want to crawl back into bed and start again. But I couldn't, so it had to be dealt with. And I did. With food.
I suppose remembering it today, as I cautiously avoided the scale, the truth is I always turn to food when I am stressed. Instead of thinking about the things that are going on, especially if they are stressful things, I plan what I will eat. I imagine each possibility melting in my mouth until I establish the winner winner chicken dinner. I am pretty sure it is a horrific form of denial. But in moments of stress, turmoil, or horrormoan induced antics, I deem it worth the cost and bury my frustrations with food. And usually a side of gravy.
But there are other things I am able to NOT do, because the cost is so great.
Like if you get caught in a lie. It is so humiliating when someone discovers the truth. It feels like they never look at you the same way again. So I do my absolute best never to lie. And when I do, I approach the person with remorse and ask forgiveness.
Or steal. I don't shoplift, because the fines and fees, not to mention jail time, would really cramp my style and budget. So I dismiss the idea and do without. Or pay for it. Ahem, Matt pays for it.
What about the cost of overeating? Do I truly consider what it actually does?
It causes me humiliation, just like lying. There have been several times I have seen myself in the mirror and felt that old familiar humiliation rise up. Usually it's a 3 way mirror that does it, but still...do I consider that when I am shoveling Lo Mein in my mouth?
It cramps my style. As you all have read, I am a rock and roll and tattoo kind of girl. But I won't get a tattoo on my arm. Not because I think it's wrong or would be trashy. Nope, it's cause my arms are still fat, and I want the tattoo to look good. Plus all the wonderful vintage dresses from the 40's and 50's are not Plus Friendly at all. Give me a full skirt, and I don't look cool. I just look full. So I make myself full to match the inside with the outside.
What about my budget? What is the real cost of overeating and being a bonafide fat chick? Well, we have to shop at overpriced stores where the markup for a few extra yards of fabric is worse than the profit made on name brand purses and shoes. And they don't go with the style of a rock-n-roller like me either. Caftans are not my thing. Not to mention all the extra health care expenses like diabetic testing supplies and surgery for knees that give out under the weight of my indulgence. Or bariatric surgery, should I ever deem that diet and exercise just don't cut it. So I cut a big hunk of pie and let the flakey crust wash away my own feelings of flakeyness at messing up the diet once again.
Well, what isn't cutting it is my resolve. I am not acting like I am a winner winner baked skinless chicken dinner. I am acting like KFC extra crispy with a side of potato salad. And somehow, I have got to rip off the yummy skin and get to the meat of this issue.
I wish I had an answer to share with you about how to not stress eat, but I don't. I can control it sometimes, but on days like yesterday, there's no stopping the reality that food feels good.
Instead of trying to pretend like I have it all together and make the problem worse, I'm not going to offer a solution. Maybe this is one of life's great mysteries that will never be solved. But what I will tell you is that tonight, after the kids are done with chores and are freshly bathed, I am going to get back on that treadmill and run like I was supposed to last night. I'm going to count yesterday as a lost battle, but today I'm going to fight like I didn't lose yesterday. Today, I am once again a winner winner skinelss baked chicken dinner. And steamed broccoli with pretend butter. And an apple.
I guess I am going to go back to my core beliefs and work it harder today.
Considering, my options, this is the way to go.
Getting back on her horse instead of shooting it-
tales of the cupcake part one
3 hours ago