Wednesday, August 5

The Power of the "G Force"

First of all, let me say this:

For an expensive fancy dancy hotel, you would have thought they could afford better toilet paper that the thinly bleached out bark I had to suffer all weekend. The post-pregnancy hemorrhoids (Frank and company) are raging. Granted my oldest baby is 7, but I can still consider it post-pregnancy, right?

But the joy I experienced this last weekend was like no other. It was amazing to see what happens when a girl gets real with her Maker. Unbelievable. There’s a link at the top to read about it (on my faith blog Random Acts of Charlie) if you are curious. Lots of Jesus talk, so for those of you who aren’t religious, brace yourselves. But it’s worth a read.

And as far as me blogging every day? Well, I counted the other blog my one for yesterday. The hands are still recouping from blisters (yes, blisters) from dragging my suitcases all over the Charlotte, Atlanta, Cincinnati, and Indianapolis airports. I am a wuss. So typing is still a little tender.

OK, now I have to tell you about the diet portion of the trip. Although there isn’t much to tell. I TRIED to do well, but hotel food is not very conducive to a woman watching her waistline. It’s frustrating when you think something is a good choice and it comes out with tons of drippins and goodness in addition to your chicken breast. Next year, I’m driving down and taking a cooler.
But I did manage to get in some good walks, and even 2 sessions in the hotel fitness room. Which leads us beautifully into our story for the day. The power of the G Force.

See, when I was in college, I wore a size 38 G. Yeah, it sounds impressive, I know. In fact, my nickname in college on the girls dorm 3rd floor was “G.” Before it ever became popular. And we had much fun back then, as the picture illustrates. We were all just crazy. (Thanks for the pic, Shannon. I am on the left. I won't say who is next to me, but you girls feel free to fess up on your own!)

Since then, 38 G has expanded and contracted several times, thanks to breastfeeding, weight gain, weight loss, and of course, my cruel mistress- gravity. 38 G became a 38 lonG. And honestly, I have no idea now what my size is. I really need to go in for a fitting!

Back to the story. I have plenty of extra room in my bras now, because the girls have shrunk a lot in the last 57 pounds. Not that you can tell, because when you roll them up to insert into the cups, they still look big. But the bra has become more than a bra now. It is a purse. When I left my hotel room to work out, I was terrified I would lock myself out. So of course the key card went into the bra, along with the MP3.

I did not anticipate that the sweltering 8 billion percent humidity in North Carolina would make me sweat so hard on the pre-workout walk. It was evening, and cooler, but the air was thicker than my waist before the diet. Ug, by the time I came inside to the air conditioning of the hotel fitness studio, I was drenched, stinky, and sleepy. But I still tackled that stupid elliptical machine for a solid 15 minutes before calling it quits. Then I was cold and sweaty, but felt like I had accomplished something.

As I drug myself back up to the 5th floor to my room for a nice hot shower, I was feeling great. I was going to stay right on track during this trip, and not gain a pound! In fact, my mind arrogantly thought, I would actually LOSE weight, proving that I am the most successful dieter. Almost breaking my arm patting myself on the back for my high level of commitment, I approached my room. And I got out the key card, covered in Swamp Boob goo, wiped it on the side of my shorts, and slid it in the card reader on the door.

Lights flashed red, and nothing happened.

So I pulled it out and tried again.

Red lights. Bupkis.

I probably attempted to open the door 20 times before I admitted defeat.

The G Force had demagnetized the key card.

I had no choice but to get back on the elevator, sweaty, stinky, and irritated, head to the front desk, and ask them to reprogram my key. Please understand, we were in a fancy hotel. There was Italian marble on the walls and floors, a cascading fountain in the lobby, coffee shop that rivaled Starbucks, and a restaurant that Emeril would have been proud to cook in. This was not a Holiday Inn.

And here I am, dripping sweat, soaked to the skivvys, smelling like an entire football team, and I have to go through the Lobby to get to the front desk. Nice.

As the elevator dinged, I stepped in, praying it was vacant. Of course it wasn’t. Van, the Hispanic language director for Proverbs 31 (the ministry that put on this little shin-dig) was standing in her pajamas, barefoot, and looking somewhat bewildered and embarrassed.

“I don’t normally look like this, but I locked myself out of my room, and have to get another key,” she said.

I smiled.

“I demagnetized the key card while it was in my bra cause I was working out and sweat on it.”

She grinned.

And so, a new friendship was born on the elevator, between a sweaty stinky girl and a barefoot missionary in pajamas. We laughed and giggled, and approached the front desk together.

I was explaining my predicament to the front desk clerk, and I giggled when I saw her cringe a little as she realized she was holding the key card that had been in my sweaty bra and it was now in her hands. And I’m pretty sure that she put on some sanitizing hand gel on before she helped Van get a new key. Not that I blame her.

And Van? She finally got into her room, and realized just how magnetic my personality really is.


Zoe Elmore said...

Hey Charlie,
You carck me up girlie! I LOVE this post, and yes I keep my room key in my bra too and yes that de-magnatized my key. LOL! I'm so appreciative of your post on my blog and your great action steps. I'm confident we will all benefit from those your listed. Please keep us posted on your journey.
Sparkliest Blessings,

Anonymous said...

You're gonna have to stop, because I'm doubled over laughing so hard (good exercise though, especially since I was too tired to get up and work out myself this morning!). This would only happen to you! :)

Jess said...

I love you.

Oh my GOSH!!!!

Thank you for starting off my day with laughter...I can't wait to come and read MORE and go to your OTHER blog and get to KNOW you!!!


Tracey The AVON Lady said...

OMG - this is the funniest blog post I have ever read! Thanks for starting my morning off right!

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