There are certain times in every woman’s life when she has an urgent sense to re-invent herself. Usually those times come along side a major life change. Marriage, birth of a child, divorce, a milestone birthday, and so on.
I have spent the last year reinventing me. Figuring out who I really am, what I love to do, where I would like to go in life. And something inside me tonight made me feel like once again, like the changing of seasons- it is time for something new.
Lately when I have looked in the mirror, I have seen something familiar. The old me is still there, although not as bulky as it once was. But I still see fat Charlie. And when I see fat Charlie, I want to eat like fat Charlie used to.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been horrible about the diet. Yet with the frustrations of last week when my grandmother had a medical emergency (that she kindly dragged me into headfirst), I got stressed out and ate. You know all about it if you read the last post. So this weekend, I went from overeating to moderately eating. Better to be sure, but still not great.
At this point in the game, I am at a crucial point. I can continue eating as I have been over the past few weeks- maintaining a decent weight of 177-182, or I can press on like Lee and venture into the unknown world of skinnydom. It’s just another 35-40 pounds. That’s it. So what am I so stinking afraid of?
Ultimately, as you all know, I am afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I will let ever one down, crash and burn, yadda yadda yadda. This is the same tune I have been singing since day one. I think it’s time for a new song, don’t you?
What are the worst case scenarios that could happen if I keep trying to diet and fail? Seriously, I am the queen of the game “what’s the worst that can happen” and I proved my ability yesterday when a horrormoan induced fit caused me to break down in front of Matt and he got an earful. So instead of using my ability at this unique mindset to only drive my hubby up a wall, maybe I can use it to conquer my own fears. Let’s consider the options…
Worst Case Scenario #1. I don’t lose any more weight. Now realistically, if I keep working on the diet like I did earlier this year, that won’t happen. But what if it does? A) I am healthier than I have ever been before in my life. I can sprint for short distances without passing out, I can keep up with the kids, and I could dance again if I wanted to. Sure, Matt may not be able to lift me up or properly tango with me, but I can still keep a good pace if I wanted to. B) I can shop in real stores again. With the exception of clothing that isn’t built for us Dolly Pardons of the world, I have no need to venture into a plus size store ever again. I can shop on the cute side of Fashion Bug. C) I can still say that I have lost 60 pounds, as long as I deny the urge for French fries once in a while. I am finding that I can maintain within 5 pounds very well, and that is one of the hardest things for a dieter to do. So even if I don’t lose another pound, I am still sitting pretty.
Worst Case Scenario #2. I have to relinquish the blog to someone who really is working on losing the weight. Wow, that one would absolutely break my heart. This blog has become my cyber connection to hundreds of you out there who are struggling just like I am to beat the bulge. I can’t tell you how many new friends I have because of this goofy blog. Even old ones who have reconnected with me because of it. There is a kindred spirit among us fat chicks, and that is a bond that no amount weight could break. So if I ever would have to walk away, it would make me beyond sad. That in itself is reason enough for me to keep pushing on.
Worst Case Scenario #3. I fail. I fail big. Yep, it could happen. I know it could. I feel like I am one month of bad eating away from that happening. Yet somehow I know that regardless of my imaginary impending failure, I will try to find a silver lining in the mess. That’s just the kind of person I am. You should see my house. It’s usually a wreck. But I see how much love and happiness we have in spite of the piles of laundry and dishes in the sink. We are not defined by our messes. We are defined by our ability to function within the mess.
Really, those are the major things I could freak out about. And some days I do. But tonight, something was in the air that prompted me to change things, to mix it up. Just enough that when I look in the mirror I don’t see Fat Charlie anymore. I want to see possibilities.
So, at midnight, I decided that maybe a new look might do this girl some good. For those of you who have known me as an adult for any length of time, what I am about to share won’t come as any great shock to you. You have known me long enough to know that this is my own form of personal entertainment. For others that are new to the world of Charlie, well, brace yourselves for this next announcement.
I colored my hair tonight.
I colored my hair PINK.
No, it wasn’t an accident. No, I was not attempting red or auburn. I was attempting pink. And boy oh boy, did I ever get pink! It was actually Matt’s idea, springing from last summer. I dyed a part of my hair pink for a vacation Bible School I was doing when I was leading the music for the kids. They pay attention when a girl who has some pink strands is crooning with them. But I only did a small portion. Matt liked it so well, he asked me to dye it all pink. (I think he hoped I would look like Gwen Stefani.) But that was when my weight was at it’s highest, and I was so miserable the last thing I wanted to do was go to the store buying Oreos in bulk and draw attention to myself with bright pink hair.
But tonight, something inside me snapped, and for once it wasn’t a bra strap. It was that cord I hold on to about being fat. I’m still a fat chick at heart, but suddenly, I am unafraid to open up my heart and secret places to the world. I am willing to take risks and make some noise. I’m willing to let people look REGARDLESS OF IF I FAIL.
I am willing to go out there with pink hair and while I don’t look a thing like Gwen, I do look like somebody besides Fat Charlie who was so afraid to be noticed. I look like Charlie reinvented, and you know what? I kinda like it. In fact, I like it a lot. My mom will hate it (sorry, Margaret the Saint!) but I know Matt is going to totally dig the new me. It puts a little more bounce where it ought to be. In me, not ON me. And I couldn’t be happier to have made the choice of pink.
Cause everyone looks pretty in pink, don’t ‘ya think?
tales of the cupcake part one
3 hours ago