How to go from Glamour Queen to Poop Princess in 24 Hours or Less

So Saturday night, Matt and I got to attend a surprise birthday party for a dear friend of ours, Greg. He was turning 50, and that calls for a celebration!!!


Celebrations- in my mind, anyway- are a reason to get hussied gussied up and go for broke. ’Cause it drives Matt out of his mind when I do that, and that makes us even.


I made a random stop by Fashion Bug on Friday, and found the little black dress that every girl wants but can never find. Even more important was the cut of the dress, which so wonderfully camouflaged the tummy that no girdle was necessary! Normally I wouldn’t wear a sleeveless dress, but I had a great sweater that my dear friend Cross had given me a few months back that covered the arms and still showed the cleavage. Which Matt appreciated. He’s quite the boob man. And I am totally fine with that. Cause my butt isn’t exactly lovely. So the dress accentuated the positive, and eliminated the negative torture of lycra. Gotta love it when the planets align like that and you hit the perfect storm of a dress.


Now, one thing that I have been toying around with is my hair. OK, not MY hair, but I purchased it fair and square. I got these great hairpieces a few weeks ago, and have been trying them on in different situations. I don’t have the patience to grow my hair out long, so the pieces have all the benefits of long hair without waiting 3 years for it. I like instant gratification, if you haven’t guessed already. And if you can’t wear extensions to a party with a gaggle of theatre people, where can ya wear one???


(And I already know the answer to that. You can wear wigs to a dinner with old high school girlfriends. Not to a funeral a few days later- where my friend Abby asked me, “Where did all of your hair go?” and I smiled and said, “I left it at home…”)


OK, so I got all “Dolly-ed” up, and even managed to pull off a nice set of hooker Smokey eyes with the makeup. Complete with falsies. (C’mon, not THOSE kinds of falsies. I don’t need those. I’m talking “you gotta bat your eyes, like dis” kinda falsies. Eyelashes!) Add those to the makeup to the hair and the dress- Matt was in heaven. I love driving that man wild! It wasn’t like I could have gone on the street and made a buck, but if I had met Richard Gere, I could have attended an opera with him… as long as it was dark…


There’s something to be said for feeling beautiful on the inside AND the outside. I don’t normally get those nights when I feel like a million bucks. But I was a pretty good Target imitation of what I was aiming for. In the immortal words of my hero Dolly Parton in her book My Life and Other Unfinished Business- “I must have looked like a Cadillac some hillbilly had fixed up with mud flaps and spinners and pimp wheels. In my own mind, I was dressed to kill, or at least seriously injure.” Yeah, that was definitely me on Saturday night. And I felt like the bell of the ball. Totally overdressed for the occasion, but the looks I kept getting from Matt reminded me that I was all his, and he was just fine with that, and he enjoyed the view.


We arrived home about midnight, and settled in for a few episodes of one of our favorite shows, Dr. Katz. And then we called it a night. I will NOT discuss my sex life on this blog. That is a commitment I made long ago because I am keeping our marriage bed pure. It’s for Charlie n’ Matt to enjoy alone. But I WILL say that he has earned his nickname of PC (Prince Charming) because he gives me butterflies galore. And those butterflies were flapping like mad Saturday night.


So, fast forward to this morning. Being in the afterglow of a wonderful evening when I felt glamorous and fabulous, the coffee tasted 10 times sweeter this morning. But MAN, that kitty litter was reeking! The kitchen smelled awful!


Until I realized- it was NOT the kitty litter. The sewer had once again backed up into our basement.


We have had this issue about 10 times in our current house. It’s a crappy rental, in more ways than one. I am very much looking forward to the day we move, when we will have more than one pot to poop in, and it won’t go straight onto my basement floor.


This is a hard issue for me, because when we first moved into this house, I was depressed. It’s TINY. We are talking 700 square feet of actual living space, and no closets. With 5 people, a cat, and a woman who has had to change her entire wardrobe this last year more than times than Cher during a concert. Not to mention that I keep stuff that I don’t need. I’m working on that and have made huge strides in that area so far in 2010. But there’s still a ton of stuff I need to pitch. That being said, one of the things God asked of me was to be content with this house. To be thankful. To remember that I am blessed to have a house at all. Because lots of people don’t.


And I admit that when the sewer backs up repeatedly into the basement, I tend to forget that I am supposed to be content and thankful. In fact, I get rather snippy. But today, I remembered that I was a glamour queen last night. I was a vision of loveliness- at least to Matt. I was unencumbered with the usual par for the course body issues and felt like a queen.


So assuming the role of Poop Princess this afternoon, I went downstairs and started to shovel, despite the slight promotion from Queenie. I shoveled the crap out of that basement, and smiled big with my mouth closed. I didn’t want anything splashing back up on me into my mouth. Yuck.


Because attitude is everything. I could complain about the fact that I had yuckiness to deal with, or I could take heart that I was down there shoveling away at the problem. You all know that my cups always runneth over, but today that couldn’t be more true.


My friend Ajon recently asked a stirring question on his Facebook profile.


“What is Character?”


Knowing full well that I am IN FACT a character, I said this- Character is the part of us that comes out when the fit hits the shan. Good or bad, it's there for ALL to see. I prefer to be a lively character and be a woman of action.


And a woman of action I was! See, I could have ignored the poop floating in my basement. I could have lit candles and stayed upstairs in our teeny living space. But eventually I was going to have to deal with it. One day. If I ever wanted needed to do laundry again. So I figured there’s no time like the present to get in there and get dirty!

(And I can’t tell you how many times I wrote the letter in my head to the producers and host of Dirty Jobs on Discovery while I was shoveling up poo. Dear Mike Rowe- about once every 6-8 weeks the sewer backs up in our basement and we have to deal with the mess. Can you please come keep me company and make me laugh while I am removing crap? I’ve been wanting to meet you for years…)

I had to take heart in the fact I wasn’t ignoring the problem, or letting Matt deal with it. I was facing it head on. With my eyes fully open and my mouth completely shut.


OK, so let’s look at my diet life and the Queen/Princess phenomenon.


Glamour Queen- I have lost a crap ton of weight! Hooray!

Poop Princess- I have utterly and completely stalled out and have not lost a single pound more for months. Boo!

Glamour Queen- I was up to walking 10 miles in a 3 hour period, 3 times a week. WOW!

Poop Princess- I am struggling to keep up with 5 miles 2 times a week at walking group. Oh NO!

Glamour Queen- I did not give up, even when it was hard! Friggin AWESOME!

Poop Princess- I have not given up, even though it has been hard lately! Really Friggin AWESOME!

There are advantages to being both queen and princess in “our” dieting world. You have got to be willing to play both parts.

Queens can look back over the whole picture and take credit for the accomplishments.

Princesses get into situations that require some rescue. Sometimes we can rescue ourselves, sometimes we need help.

Queens sit with the crown and look pretty.

Princesses go through princess school and learn how to be a proper queen. They learn how to eat, when to eat, and how to be Queen-like when temptation arises.

(Temptation like individual Red Velvet cakes with Cream Cheese icing. And I didn’t have a one at the surprise party!!!)


Here’s what I’m thinking about my own plateau that has extended far beyond what I would care to admit. I was acting like a Queen. “Look what I did! I feel so good! I’m a new person!” But deep down, I was still a princess. “You are still learning, and there is a lot you don’t yet know. Keep training yourself! Keep improving yourself! You’ll get there soon, but you aren’t there yet!”


SO- once again, I am going to RE-SIGN up for Weight Watchers. I know, I did this a while back, but Christmas was coming up and I wanted to use the money elsewhere. I’m fickle like that. But you all know how desperately I need the accountability. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m eating enough of the right stuff. I’m eating little bits of the wrong stuff, and it’s not working. I know that when I fussed and cried over the Weight Watcher points, it sucked big time, but it worked. So I think I better go back to what works. Slow and steady, learning how to be a Queen one pound at a time.


You and I are blessed beyond measurements. We have the opportunity to change things right now- to make a difference. Put on our Princess crowns and get to work.

And with another "Clean Slate Monday", I think we can and should do that together!