Last night, I walked 5 miles. Which is way more than I planned on. But 5 miles were had, and it felt great.
Except if you saw me, I was walking around the mall for the first 4 laps like a crazy person.
When Lee Ann showed up (and that woman is totally earning her stripes, I tell you!) I settled down. A little. But not much. I carried on and talked the entire time, as a socially stunted housewife is prone to do.
What was the reason for your craziness, Charlie? Other than the obvious of course?
I have lots and lots of lines to memorize, and my husband Matt is way ahead of me. I refuse to let him win the game of memory.
But Charlie, how did walking at the mall help you learn your lines?
Ah, that’s easy. Matt and I used my iPhone and recorded a soundtrack of the entire show. Then we uploaded the tracks onto our MP3 players and listen to them constantly. Well, he listens to them constantly. I would rather listen to the 1940’s crooning ladies songs that I found on amazon and get in the mood for a show about World War 2. And that means that I am behind him in the memorization game. So I walked and listen to our script. And wound up walking 5 miles before I left the mall.
OK. Moving on. Today is a snow day. Well, technically it isn’t, as our schools didn’t cancel for today. But I figured that the kids were safer where I could see them than riding a big yellow torpedo on ice. So home they stayed. We are going to play games and have fun. I am very careful in weather like this. I had a bad experience once during a snow storm, and it makes me overly cautious when it’s snowing like mad, as it is today.
Wanna hear the story?
I had just started a new job as a sales manager at a craft supply distributor. We were living in the middle of the country, and it was snowing pretty good. Schools had been canceled, and at that time Matt was a stay at home dad and I was his Sugar Mama. He told me, “I don’t think you should try driving in this weather. It looks pretty bad.”
“No, no, it will be fine. I’ll head out early and be back by 5:30 this evening.”
It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get to work (which I got reamed out for) and to top it off not ONE of my sales staff came in. They all called and said they were stuck at home.
About noon, the weather watches and warning systems were going crazy, and I figured I better get home. Thankfully, the place I worked closed for the day (5 people were there out of 50. We got nothing done, except for chewing me out for being late) and I headed home. I got stuck and had to have good Samaritans help me 3 times during a 4 mile stretch. I ended up at my brother and sister’s house, crying because I couldn’t get our van to stay on the road.
Enter Dan, the superhero. He’s my stepdad. Filled to the brim with what can only be described as an “English” sense of humor. Real dry, but in a good way. You never know what the man is going to say. So he heard that I was stuck at Todd and Julia’s (bro and SIL/BFF) and decided to come rescue me. He’s good about stuff like that. Anytime we have moved from house to house, Dan is always there to help out and tell us how to pack the moving truck efficiently. You can count on him to take care of manly stuff.
So Dan the Superhero decided to get me home. Driving in the snow makes me a nervous wreck, so the tummy was a little upset already. As we started out from Todd and Julia’s place, he was very excited to try out the 4X4 option on his new Olds Bravada. Then he decided that we could take the scenic route home. Cause his new SUV could take it.
What neither one of us anticipated was the severe drifting on the country roads. And wouldn’t you know it, about ¾ of a mile from any houses in sight- we got stuck. Poor Dan got out and started to dig the tires out. When he got done, we could only move a few feet and then got stuck again. Thankfully, because he is the manly type of guy, he insisted I stay in the SUV and let him try and get us out.
That was when a real “country boy” (stifling the urge to use the term redneck) and his buddy (also a Country Boy) with a pick up truck came along. He offered to help us get out of the embankment of snow. He was overconfident in his truck and you could tell. His truck was filled with gun racks and hunting gear and stuff straight out of Deliverance. But we were needing help, so Dan took him up on it.
The truck pulled up in front of us with Country Boy proudly coming to our rescue, and wouldn’t you know it! HE GOT STUCK TOO!
This was right about the time I realized that my tummy and intestines were working against me.
I started squirming. I started cinching. And even though I was freezing cold, I got the sweats. But I was bound and determined I would wait till I got home to explode.
Enter the 3rd vehicle. A farmer was watching all of this from his house up the road. And he decided to come down and help. So driving his BIG HONKING TRUCK, he came down and offered to help get all of us unstuck.
Meanwhile, Country Boy was freaking out that his truck had failed him, and was ranting in disbelief at the turn of events. It was like someone had shot his best hunting dog. Needless to say, he was freaking. And he was going to get his truck out first.
I started scoping the distance between me and the closest house, because I realized if the fellows dug Country Boy’s truck out first, I would not be getting home by the time I needed too. I already had on sweat pants, the legs were soaking wet from all the snow. The cold wet pants were not helping the situation. Every sensation was adding another piece of straw to the sinking camel’s back. Soon, I gave in to the inevitable truth.
I was going to have to bite the bullet and go outside. In the snow.
Nothing more humiliating than having to poop outside, but even worse is when you have one Kleenex and a used napkin to help you. Not one leaf in sight. Everything was under the frozen tundra of farmland.
Going outside, I stealthily snuck behind Dan’s SUV, squatted down, dropped the drawers, and let my intestines relax at last. There was no stopping it. It was kind of like the scene in Dumb and Dumber. This one…
Everything is accurate about that, especially the facial expressions. I'm sure I made those. Except MY cheeks were in the snow. And I had no toilet paper. So I tried to use the snow to clean off my rear (with 4 guys trying to chain a truck and needing to come over my direction to admire their handywork, till they realized what I was doing and they quickly got back to work…) and when I couldn’t get it any more without causing frostbite to my rump, I gave up and pulled the sweatpants back up. I then tried to cover the mess I had made in the snow with more snow, but the temperature difference between the snow and the OTHER STUFF made it impossible. It kept melting and spreading out even worse. I had a huge brown hole behind the SUV, and there was nothing I could do. Admitting defeat, I headed back into the SUV to try and warm up.
Eventually we got unstuck and headed to my house. Carefully avoiding the snowed over country roads this time.
The rest of the way home, Dan the Superhero kept sniffing the air, as if to say “What is that peculiar odor my nose is detecting?” But to his credit, he didn’t say a word about it. Just cracked the window and focused on the road.
And that, my friends, was the worst snow day I have ever had. And I have not one intention of repeating it. So today I am staying inside no matter what. Close to my kids. And a toilet. No way am I going out.
tales of the cupcake part one
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