Scaling Back

Dear Scale-


I think we got off on the wrong foot this morning, and it compelled me to take a step back and start over with you. Good morning! How are you??? I’m doing, ok, I think, but to be honest, you have left me in a state of confusion. Which, I admit , is not all that hard to do, because I live in a constant state of chaos, not ever knowing what life is going to throw at me. However, what you are doing to me is down right EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-vil. Jillian Michaels evil. And we need to get past this in order for us to go back to the usual love/hate relationship we have.


Ever since Thursday morning, you have been telling me something. 172.4. Every day for the past 4 days. I know my body well enough to know that I do NOT EVER weigh the exact same thing 4 days in a row. Not down to the ounce. I have been on this dieting kick long enough to know that. I should be heading down, down in numbers. Cause I have been behaving. Mostly. But enough to know that I cannot possibly weigh 172.4 every dang day.


Here’s the thing. Ever since I finally got the correct battery for you and gave you some fresh juice, you have been acting funny. I put the new batteries in, calibrated you, and then you told me 172.4 and I accepted it. Didn’t LIKE it, but I accepted it.


But I am smart. Really smart. Could have done anything I wanted to in life according to my IQ test. Could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher…anything except my original 5 year plan of a ballerina who sells ice cream on her bike. I was smart enough to see that a career like that would never happen. Anyhoo, because I am supposed to be smart, I decided that I must check your manual to see if there is something else I was supposed to do after putting in new batteries to make you tell the truth. (For the record here, I have to tell you that I am one of those people who is so smart they are stupid. I can tell you lots of useless information that would help you should you be in a rousing game of Trivial pursuit, but I don’t have a clue how to actually get the checkbook to balance. Or how to hold an office job. Or to remember to put new insurance cards in my vehicles. So it’s not like being "smart" has ever been an advantage. Having a smart mouth? Completely different story!)


Of course, this threw me into a frenzy because I could not remember where I put the manual, and had to search high and low before discovering it in the “Major Purchases” file of 2009. I consider you to be a great comrade, scale. You are a big deal to me.


But to you- I am just big. And it’s downright insulting.


After conferring with your instructions, and translating the Chinese to see if the English left anything out (just kidding. I don’t speak Chinese. Although let it be known that I can ask someone to marry me in Japanese…which has come in handy exactly nada times. It’s much more useful to be able to ask someone where the bathroom is.) I discovered that I had done everything right to put you back in order. And you still insult me like this.


SO today, I am going to the store to purchase a NEW scale. You are not above reproach, and in times of a sluggish economy, everyone has been forced to make tough decisions and cutbacks. I am going to get a less experienced scale for less money that is smart enough to do what you couldn’t. One that is morally and ethically grey. In otherwords, I’m going to find a scale that is not above LYING to me. Telling me what I want to hear.


And today, I wanted to hear anything but 172.4.


Scale- you suck. And now, you are going out of my life. You need to hand over your recently changed batteries and I will escort you to the trash can. I wish you the very best in your new endeavors, but please don’t have your next client call me for a reference. After the last 4 days of torture, I just might have to throw my weight around.


Thank you for your time-
Charlie