Wednesday, April 21

Charlie VS The Duct Tape

Say what you want about it- but I like tanning.

I’m not hard core about it by any stretch, and the fact is I am still quite pale. I enjoy the actual act of tanning in a bed- listening to music, a fan blowing on you, being forced to close your eyes for a 5 to 10 minute stretch… and no one is there to scream “MOM!!!!!!”

Yep, I like the solitude of tanning.

And I don’t go often, but last week when I saw my white/blue legs in the full on sunlight at the YMCA, next to Lee Ann’s freshly “Florida vacationed” legs, I decided I should get a little color.

And I debated about a spray tan. Especially after watching the Hussy’s educational vlog about “Spray tan for a chubby girl.”

But I went old school. Cause I wanted an excuse to get out of the house 3 times a week. Maybe 4, tops. And only for a month.

Cause we all know that tan fat looks way better than pale fat.

Here’s the thing about tanning though. I have major hangovers.

Not like “I partied all night” hangovers. No, no, no. It’s the “I’ve had 3 kids and gravity now owns my chest” hangovers.

In otherwords, cause I tan butt nekked, when I lay on my back without a cross yer heart, the girls fall to the side and cover 50% of the tops of my arms. Or if I lift my arms, I get these wonderful little tan lines of the sides of my torso that look something like this.

Tres bella, jah?

And something had to be done. Something DRASTIC.

There are 3 things every girl needs in her toolbox. A high heeled shoe (to work as a hammer and is great for smashing bugs), a nail file (a stand in for sandpaper and can be used as a screwdriver) and DUCT TAPE.

And for a problem this floppy, duct tape was the answer.

My girls have a healthy relationship with duct tape. Being a theatre nerd, I have taped them down on many occasions. To dance, to bind, to cover “headlights”…. Me and duct tape go WAY BACK.

So I walked into the tanning place with my keys and MP3 player in one pocket, and a roll of uber trendy tyedyed duct tape in the other. And I got a room.

Making sure the door was locked tightly, I stripped down to nothingness, got my roll of DT out, laid in the bed, and went to work.


Got one piece of tape off the roll. Normally duct tape doesn’t seem loud when I use it at home, cause my house sounds like grand central station. But there in the tanning salon that day, you could have heard a pin drop. Or someone in the next tanning bed to your left giggle.

I applied the piece of tape strategically, across the “headlights” and over the sides. But immediately I recognized that there are some pliability issues, and the parts of the girls that weren’t taped were still flopping over.

Cause I kinda look like this…

So. I was going to need a bigger piece of tape.


(More giggling from bed next door)

This time I laid the tape on in a diagonal position. Which meant I would need one more piece to go the other way.


From bed next door in a still giggly voice “That’s going to hurt to take off!”

(Because apparently every woman recognizes the sound of her own baby crying, can hear from a mile away where a great shoe sale is going on, and knows the sound duct tape makes.)

Finally I was ready to tan.

And 10 minutes of uninterrupted bliss was just what I needed.

When the bed went off, I was left with a dilemma. Do I take the tape off here? Or wait till I get home? The pros of waiting till I got home were it would be less noisy, and I could take a shower and loosen it up. The cons would be that I would have to carry my bra out the front door of the tanning salon and would have very odd looking cleavage under my shirt.

I opted to remove it right there.

And I went for the quick method.

I grabbed hold of each side of one strip (the first piece I applied, meaning there were 2 other pieces on top of that strip) and YANKED.


The problems were 2 fold. Or 2 taped.

A. The other pieces of tape on top of the one I pulled were stuck really good.

B. My nipples were not wanting to come off of the tape. I’m assuming because there is no hair to soften the blow. They were stuck.

I chose to deal with the other pieces of tape first, and pulled them off fast and furious.


Problem A was solved, and now I had to deal with stuck nipples.

Immediately I remembered that I had this issue once before in the past. And my solution for it was to take a piece of tissue and put it there BEFORE applying tape. Which meant I was going to have to bite the bullet and go for it.

If you are a gentleman and still reading this blog, now is when you need to look away. (Who am I kidding? All the boys dropped out after the picture of the old lady and are now googling if their wives are really going to look like that one day.)

The nips were STUCK. Really Really STUCK.

So I pulled. And I yanked. It was like a booby taffy pulling session in there.

And I learned that my nipples have a 5 inch stretch threshold. Right about the time I was thinking I was going to scream, the tape finally came off.


So I had to repeat the process on the other side. And it hurt just as bad as the left side.

I wadded up the duct tape, threw it all into the little garbage can in the room (and my tape filled half the tiny can) got dressed and flew out the door.

Not surprisingly, there was a lady talking to the front desk girl, looking at lotions. Until I walked out, that is. Then she had no problem staring at me and grinning.

Sometimes, a person needs to look stupidity straight in the eyes.


HunDuddle Hussy said...

that is hil-arious.

u rock. aaaaaand u shoulda video'd it.

Rachel @ CrazyTown said...

I almost can't type I'm laughing so hard. OMG!! I bet that lady would have waited an hour to see you come out of that room and hear you take that stuff off, LOL!!! Remember the tissues next time.

Sushicookie said...

LOL!! OMG I laughed so hard.
I worry about my butt giving me a crescent tan line between my butt and thighs so like 5 minutes (half way) in I shift my weight and arch my back so I can straighten out that area. lol. I also then lift my arms up so my boobs go up and look 10 years younger so I dont have a line there either.
The hilarity of tanning. However, I think you trump me with your duct tape fiasco.

Jenny said...

sooooooooo, did you still have any weird tan lines???? lol you had to have! We expect pictures!....with tissue covering the 5 inch long nips of course!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I just about wet my pants reading this - TOO FUNNY!! That is exactly the kind of situation I would get myself into!

Marilyn said...

Oh my goodness, what a booby trap you were in! So glad you were able to manage without ripping any skin off. I just noticed a new item they are advertising that is clear tape that you press on, peel, lift and press the rest. This is supposed to hold up even a D cup so you can wear all the strappy summer stuff with no bra straps to ruin the look. I had my doubts and duct tape came to mind.Worth a try, right?? Until I read your story, I was willing to give myself a lift...but not anymore! Thanks for the painfully funny story! Now go rub some aloe on those poor things!!!

Tami said...

you are a hoot! I'm starting to wonder if you are from the blood line of Lucille Ball. Having never met you, I often imagine you in these situations as a blond I Love Lucy episode!

Krissa said...

oh my heck....that is funny!!!!!
and dang that sounds so so painful!

theresa g said...

OOOOHHH! Marilyn, do you remember the name of that magical booby tape?

Does anyone else get armpit cleavage from strapless bras? My girls are big (a full DD, leaning toward DDD), and refused to be wrangled. Between that and T.H.O's, summer can be kind of a pain. Grrr.

Ah, and Char, I remember having the "moon" conversation with you, probably 10+ years ago. I had just gotten my "Natalie Imbruglia" 'do, and you burst into singing "Torn" in the middle of the mall! LOL you gave me tanning advice about controlling "racing stripes" (armpit to hip whiteness), and "moons". You're hilarious, sweetie!!! :o)

Devin said...


My hubby, being a carpenter (and being mercilessly subjected to my reading of that story to him--out loud--because I thought it was so dang funny--wanted me to inform you that they make clear tape. He says the UV rays should go right through, tanning all wanted areas.

He also said that they sell shrink wrap at Menards, and it too should do the trick. Bonus: it should save your nipples. :)

The end.

Elizabeth said...

How in the world did you ever think of that. So incredibly funny. Kids def. make your body more elastic. :) Oh, man. I think I would be so claustrophobic in one of those things. Good luck next time. :)

Anonymous said...

I am laughing as hard at the helpful comments as I did your post, which actually had me cringing and laughing, as well as thanking the creator for not over blessing me.
However, I still think I will risk being ridiculed for whiteness rather than get into a tanning bed.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing as hard at the helpful comments as I did your post, which actually had me cringing and laughing, as well as thanking the creator for not over blessing me.
However, I still think I will risk being ridiculed for whiteness rather than get into a tanning bed.

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

This makes me very thankful, for at least one second, that I don't have a lot of excess in the boobage department. At least not enough that would required any tie-dyed tape. But you, my friend, are hysterical. And the illustrations are dead on! Love it!

Danielle said...

You never, ever fail to bring a smile to my face and laughter to my heart.

You are too funny!

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