It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Have you ever been so mad that you wanted to yell and fuss and make a scene?

I sure have.

I have this major issue with control. I like it. I like it a lot. And when I am unable to control things, my world spirals and so do I. Over the past few years, I have learned a few things that have really helped me control the right things. For example…

I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO OR SAY.

I CANNOT CONTROL THE WEATHER OR THE TRAFFIC.

I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT MY HUSBAND OR KIDS FEEL.

I CANNOT CONTROL MY SNORT WHILE LAUGHING.

I CANNOT CONTROL MY BLADDER.

I CANNOT CONTROL MY 8 YEAR OLD SON IN A PUBLIC RESTAURANT WHEN HE DECIDES TO TELL ME VERY LOUDLY HE KNOWS WHAT A LESBIEN IS.

I CANNOT CONTROL HOW THE TABLE BEHIND US RESPONDS TO MY SON’S NEWFOUND KNOWLEDGE.

But-

I CAN CONTROL ME.

I CAN CONTROL MY RESPONSES TO LIFE AROUND ME.

I CAN CONTROL MY URGE TO FIX THINGS. (Including my husband and kids)

I CAN CONTROL MY TEMPER.

I CAN CONTROL MY FEELINGS.

I CAN CONTROL MY BODY.

I CAN CONTROL MY EATING.

I CAN CONTROL MY MOUTH AND THE WORDS THAT FALL OUT OF IT.

So right now I am trying to remember all the CANS. All the wonderful things I can do when a situation is sucky. Life has had some interesting turns and twists lately. Lots of rehashing feelings from an old situation when I didn’t feel in control. I felt very controlled in this particular time of my life, and now in a grasping effort to maintain some control, I’m trying to focus on the right things.

I don’t know about you all, but when life is giving me the squeeze, I tend to try and squeeze back. That’s my kneejerk response to lots of things.

So Thursday night, I just KNEW I was going to run 5 miles on my treadmill. It’s the first milestone I have to hit so I can justify to my husband spending $50 to sign up for a half marathon in the spring. If I can hit 5 miles, then I feel comfortable that I can do 13.1 in 6 months. But first I have to hit that 5 mile mark.  I can do it too, I know I can!

 Because as we mentioned above, I CAN CONTROL MY BODY.

And I’ve been dreaming about it in my head:
Charlie steps onto the treadmill gracefully, mentally prepared for the duress of running into unknown mileage. She hits the 5 mph button ever so gracefully, and angels begin to sing in the heavens above (and their wings remove the cobwebs on the ceiling I have ignored for a month). She takes her first few steps, finds her rhythm immediately and her stride looks effortless to an audience of one. She hardly feels the physical pains most bodies would, because her new found strength carries her like a feather blowing in the breeze. She eases into that 5^th mile, and her family, feeling the excitement like shepherds on the hill in Bethlehem, rush out to congratulate her, hoist her on their shoulders and cheer. (Ok, the hoisting is a stretch, even for my dreams.)

The reality of my much anticipated 5 miles was nothing short of a SNL skit.

I stepped on the treadmill, excited to get this over with. I started my 5 minute warm up. My left shoe stuck a little as I walked, and upon closer inspection I found it was because there was gum on my soul. I spent the next 5 minutes scraping gum off my treadmill belt (the gum had already gone all the way around a few times) and cursing my dumb luck. I then got back on the treadmill, hit the 5mph button with some acceptable frustration, and took off. It was too fast. I got out of breath right away. So I slowed it down to 4.5 and tried to remind myself it’s not about speed, but about distance.

After hitting a sorry 12ish minute mile, I decided I was going to be ok. I finally found my stride, hit my groove, and relaxed. I started singing along to my music. And thought for a moment my dream of hitting 5 miles, while touch and go at first, was REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.

That’s when IT happened.

Charlie Horse.

I’m blaming the gummy shoe.

I don’t know if you have ever experienced a cramp while running on a treadmill, but for those who haven’t, I need to explain what transpired next.

Upon the cramp hitting my calf, my brain immediately shut off. They say in emergency situations, your mind springs into action, and you react. Not this brain, apparently. No, my mind went into hibernation for the next minute. It didn’t want to deal with what would surely happen. Which was this. My leg was unable to carry my weight, kinda gave out from underneath me, and my hand couldn’t find the off switch. IN FACT, I hit the incline button instead. I was half limping-half hopping, trying to force my mind read the options on the control panel, and the belt on my treadmill started rising up underneath me. Finally, reaching for anything to make my current torture stop, I accidently grabbed the emergency magnetic button and my rising treadmill came to a screeching halt. Which caught me and my balance off guard, and because my treadmill was now tilted, threw me back into the wall.

It wasn’t as violent as it probably sounds, but it wasn’t comfortable either.  

All of this to prove to myself I can control my body… Sigh.

I don’t really know how to end this post. It’s not an inspirational one, where I can leave you with a poignant question. I am too frustrated to think of a witty one liner to close it up like I usually do my funny stories.

So I’m leaving it at this…

WHAT THE CRAMP JUST HAPPENED TO ME?  

(Hey, I thought of a witty one liner after all!)