Wednesday, November 10

The Warm Morsels of "Feel-Sorry-For-Yerself" PIE

I am going to come right out and say it.

It is hard for me to lose.

Take that any way you want.

Cause no matter how we slice this not-so-peachy pie, we encounter the crusty truth.

I have a hard time losing weight. I have a hard time when I can't accomplish something I set out to do. I have a hard time losing.

In fact, the only thing I don't have a hard time losing is my set of keys. Or my sanity.

I say this with the humility of a bonafide loser. Cause I am back down to 175 at last. And that counts. But let's not forget I was there once before. (Or twice. Or a gajillion times.) And the plateau is broken.

But this has become more than a fight with the scale.

This is an all out knock down drag out fight with myself. And my mental status as a prior(ish) fat girl. And what I am really capable of.

I am doing all sorts of things that are shocking and surprising me. Running, lifting weights, measuring food, etc.. Somehow, though, there is still a glitch somewhere inside me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me to find out that this is all a ruse. That it's not going to work. That I will fail. LOSE.

Like last night. My big bro and I attempted to run 4 miles. I couldn't do it. Instead of focusing on the fact that I ran longer than I ever have before (3.25 miles) I set my sights on the fact I couldn't hit 4. And it really bummed me out. Even after seeing 175.8 on the scale, what did I want to do?

Sit in a corner and cry like Jack Horner with a big ole pan of Feel-sorry-for-yerself-pie.

I have issues. But we knew that already.

Having a blog like this (focusing on weight loss) puts a considerable amount of pressure on a chick. Like if I don't lose weight, people will stop reading. I will lose my support system. My voice.

Then, there is the fact that when I am kicking butt and taking names, people get jealous. (And before you think "No way!" I will say YES, MA'AM, THEY SURELY DO. I have emails to prove it.) Because they feel bad if they aren't doing something about their own personal well being.

Frankly, kids- I understand that. Instead of hearing inspiring words from another blogger, I have been known to get envious of their motivation, their success, that they have a funnier blog than mine. I put myself into this imaginary competition where I am the only person aware of who's playing along.

Does anybody else do that?
Somewhere along the way, I started biting off more than I should chew. I started setting my sites on the big picture. Go the distance! Hit the numbers!!! And that is no way to live. Unless you want to live in a white jacket with long sleeves and buckles in the back.

Well, I have had enough!

Today I am picking up the gauntlet. (Because I have previously thrown it down.) I am going to stop dragging my ego through the mud, and do something I don't often do.

Nurture.
So today, I am going to start celebrating the SMALL victories. The ones that I have been glossing over- ones that used to strike me with such awe and wonder, I almost fainted. Like:

I no longer have a 50 inch waist. 36 inches now.

My kids don't think I'm fat.

My hubby enjoys the body I have right now. (he always has, but now- kittens is more fun.) (And yes, kittens is code. My daughter reads this blog. I can't afford college AND therapy for her...)

I can run a mile faster than I could in high school.

I am ferocious in the weight room at the YMCA.

I no longer require a nap after water aerobics.

My boobs have stopped hanging so low. (Seriously. They aren't covering my belly button any longer. Which is good, cause when they were low my button smelled like cheese.) (Don't ask how I know that.)

The cellulite/cottage cheesyness is almost gone from my booty.

My booty is almost ready for quarters. I could probably start bouncing dimes...

I have pushed through countless plateaus and am still plugging away, almost 2 years since I started this diet.

I still get excited about it.

I RAN 3.25 MILES. (See, I got back to my original point)

I get back to my original points.

My rantings and ravings make some people laugh. (Nervous laughter is included here)

I don't look in the mirror screaming anymore.

I don't step on the scale screaming anymore.

I can't pull off a bikini yet, but I feel pretty good about my one piece.

I can finish this journey one step at a time. They just won't be in 4 mile increments while running. Not today, anyway...

I WILL get 4 miles before Thanksgiving.

I AM HAPPY.


So stick that in your feel-sorry-for-yerself pie and bake it!!! (That was a note to self. You don't have to bake anything.)

What are the small victories YOU are celebrating today??? 

10 comments:

MAK said...

You can do it!! As you already have figured out, running is 99% mental. I used to psych myself out before every race and end up stopping to walk until one day I realized that my body really could actually do it but my mind was hanging me up. Of course there are bad and good days in running, but for the most part, I've been able to keep pushing to distances I never thought I'd go. I ran 14 miles for the first time last weekend and am supposed to run 17 next weekend (training for my first marathon, INSANE). Running does not come easy to me and I have to work hard for it but it feels like a great accomplishment every time. I can still remember the first 10-minute mile I ran without stopping. I seriously thought I was going to die. Now I do it all the time and have gotten faster over the years. It just takes time. Good luck!

Angela Pea said...

You so TOTALLY Rock!

I tried to get in a four mile walk today, but got completely distracted by the contsruction site I had to walk around. Seriously - there were sky cranes moving beams into place, lifts and cables and cement all at the same time. TOO COOL!! I HAD to stop and watch, because with all the fractured sidewalk underfoot, it's just too dangerous to walk with your face pointed skyward watching a crane! I looked at the stop watch - ACK! - and realized I just wasted NINE MINUTES with gawking! I have a 2:00 meeting, so I scurried back to the office to shower and eat.

Uh, so what was my victory today? A 2.8 mile walk in 43 minutes, BUT - what super cool stuff to look at!

Still on my plateau. I'm considering erecting one of those tent thingies with lots of airy curtains and draperies to flutter in the breeze. Maybe toss in a plush carpet and some enormous floor pillows, and a cute slave boy to bring me cold water in a gem encrusted goblet and figs on a gold plate.

Ginger said...

what an awesome motivating post, who cares if i am eating chocolate cake, i still love it!! and i am not feeling the bikini, even when i am sexylicious i still wont be feeling the bikini. just saying

Tanya said...

First of all, we will not stop reading if you fall off the wagon (or run beside it for a while!), secondly, if you kick butt...woohoo for you girl, pay no attention to those who are jealous. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind, don't matter is my new fav. phrase :-) Oh, and you never fail to make me laugh...the belly button line is priceless! Keep on running! Oh, and my small victory for today (2 actually) is 10 mins on the stair climber AND I craved an apple.

Leebird said...

Everyday successes! That's my focus too! Love ya girl and so proud to know you!

Lea said...

Thanks Charlie!

I've been fighting my own battle wtih a non-budging scale for a while now and also had quit focusing on the little things. Stuck on that non-budging scale. Sniff.

Back to small victories - only one piece of halloween candy yesterday (don't ask about today and it's only 723am!). :) And don't ask how much halloween candy we got this year...that's another story!

Blessings,
Lea

Lynda with a Y said...

Don't have much time to comment, except to say that you are awesome and I love this post!

Vegas Emily said...

I was stuck in plateau mode for almost 7 months.....which was frustrating at times, but then I had to remember that it was the first time in over 9 years that I hadn't gained weight. And I just kept exercising and working on my eating (because that's what is the hard part for me) and then one day everything just started clicking again and I started losing again and I felt great - mostly because I hung in there and didn't give up on myself.....and I've lost 8 pounds in the past month =)

Small victory - bench pressed with 40 pound dumbbells last week. Holla!

juliel said...

Charlie, I find you so inspiring, and truthfully.. REAL...even when you haven't had the best of days.

Some blogs seem that everything is TOO perfect, but yours is just..real. :)

My small victory is that I ran a 5k on October 16th in 35:29. Damaged my IT bang quite badly, but on Monday of this week, I ran another 5k on my own..in 36minutes.

I'm plateaued as well. 179.5lbs...down from 238lbs(April 29th!), so I'm just trying to look at the WHOLE picture. 55.5lbs in that short amount of time is nothing to NOT be proud of! :)

Keep working hard!
Julie :)

2plustwinsmom said...

Charlie,

Just wanted to let you know, that I actually got off my rump and made my kids walk with me. AND the most amazing thing of all is? I actually tried to run a bit.

Thank you for motivating me.

 
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