I am going to come right out and say it.
It is hard for me to lose.
Take that any way you want.
Cause no matter how we slice this not-so-peachy pie, we encounter the crusty truth.
I have a hard time losing weight. I have a hard time when I can't accomplish something I set out to do. I have a hard time losing.
In fact, the only thing I don't have a hard time losing is my set of keys. Or my sanity.
I say this with the humility of a bonafide loser. Cause I am back down to 175 at last. And that counts. But let's not forget I was there once before. (Or twice. Or a gajillion times.) And the plateau is broken.
But this has become more than a fight with the scale.
This is an all out knock down drag out fight with myself. And my mental status as a prior(ish) fat girl. And what I am really capable of.
I am doing all sorts of things that are shocking and surprising me. Running, lifting weights, measuring food, etc.. Somehow, though, there is still a glitch somewhere inside me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me to find out that this is all a ruse. That it's not going to work. That I will fail. LOSE.
Like last night. My big bro and I attempted to run 4 miles. I couldn't do it. Instead of focusing on the fact that I ran longer than I ever have before (3.25 miles) I set my sights on the fact I couldn't hit 4. And it really bummed me out. Even after seeing 175.8 on the scale, what did I want to do?
Sit in a corner and cry like Jack Horner with a big ole pan of Feel-sorry-for-yerself-pie.
I have issues. But we knew that already.
Having a blog like this (focusing on weight loss) puts a considerable amount of pressure on a chick. Like if I don't lose weight, people will stop reading. I will lose my support system. My voice.
Then, there is the fact that when I am kicking butt and taking names, people get jealous. (And before you think "No way!" I will say YES, MA'AM, THEY SURELY DO. I have emails to prove it.) Because they feel bad if they aren't doing something about their own personal well being.
Frankly, kids- I understand that. Instead of hearing inspiring words from another blogger, I have been known to get envious of their motivation, their success, that they have a funnier blog than mine. I put myself into this imaginary competition where I am the only person aware of who's playing along.
Does anybody else do that?
Somewhere along the way, I started biting off more than I should chew. I started setting my sites on the big picture. Go the distance! Hit the numbers!!! And that is no way to live. Unless you want to live in a white jacket with long sleeves and buckles in the back.
Well, I have had enough!
Today I am picking up the gauntlet. (Because I have previously thrown it down.) I am going to stop dragging my ego through the mud, and do something I don't often do.
So today, I am going to start celebrating the SMALL victories. The ones that I have been glossing over- ones that used to strike me with such awe and wonder, I almost fainted. Like:
I no longer have a 50 inch waist. 36 inches now.
My kids don't think I'm fat.
My hubby enjoys the body I have right now. (he always has, but now- kittens is more fun.) (And yes, kittens is code. My daughter reads this blog. I can't afford college AND therapy for her...)
I can run a mile faster than I could in high school.
I am ferocious in the weight room at the YMCA.
I no longer require a nap after water aerobics.
My boobs have stopped hanging so low. (Seriously. They aren't covering my belly button any longer. Which is good, cause when they were low my button smelled like cheese.) (Don't ask how I know that.)
The cellulite/cottage cheesyness is almost gone from my booty.
My booty is almost ready for quarters. I could probably start bouncing dimes...
I have pushed through countless plateaus and am still plugging away, almost 2 years since I started this diet.
I still get excited about it.
I RAN 3.25 MILES. (See, I got back to my original point)
I get back to my original points.
My rantings and ravings make some people laugh. (Nervous laughter is included here)
I don't look in the mirror screaming anymore.
I can't pull off a bikini yet, but I feel pretty good about my one piece.
I can finish this journey one step at a time. They just won't be in 4 mile increments while running. Not today, anyway...
I WILL get 4 miles before Thanksgiving.
I AM HAPPY.
So stick that in your feel-sorry-for-yerself pie and bake it!!! (That was a note to self. You don't have to bake anything.)
What are the small victories YOU are celebrating today???