How to Run 3 Miles in 50 Easy Steps

Step 1: Wake up in the morning and decide to really push yourself- Today is the day you will run 3 miles.

Step 2: Go pee and discover that Mother Nature hates you for the next 7 days.

Step 3: Reconsider step 1, due to step 2.

Step 4: Get kids fed, uniformed and on the bus with as little tear shed as possible.

Step 5: Go back to bed after taking the legal limits of Midol and Advil.

Step 6: Wake up later and decide that since the medicine has kicked in to counteract the pain of step 2, you may now proceed with step 1.

Step 7: Having become extremely aware of own tendencies to chicken out, text big brother and rope him into plot to achieve step 1.

Step 8: Sit around and worry about what you have just done by doing step 7. Now there will be witnesses to your possible failure to achieve step 1.

Step 9: Decide if you are going to pull this off, you are going for broke. Contact McMuscles by text for a pre-run workout in the weight room at the YMCA.

Step 10: Google “How to unsend a text”

Step 10 1/2: Look at results from Google. Think to self “Crap.”

Step 11: Wonder if maybe you are pushing this diet thing a little too far.

Step 12: Write blog post about the importance of being obsessed in dieting, soothing own feelings.

Step 13: Start working out logistics of proper support for running.

Step 14: Wash your 3 strongest bras.

Step 15: Wonder why the dryer takes so much longer to finish than the washer.

Step 15 1/2: Google “High efficiency dryers with shortest drying time,” look at results, and decide you have more time than money anyway.

Step 15 ¾: Spend next hour goofing off on Facebook, under the self diluted guise of it being “Networking time.”

Step 16: Pull hot bras out of the dryer and put them on.

Step 17: Blister breast on extremely hot hooks, and decide 2 bras will do for now.

Step 18: Finish getting ready and head over to the YMCA for pre-run workout.

Step 19: Have lots of fun with Greg working out, because McMuscles is late. Tease him mercilessly when he arrives, but know you have no room to talk because it’s a miracle you are ever on time for anything. Work triceps and shoulders out until they feel like Jello.

Step 20: Return home and mentally prepare for big run.

Step 21: Retext brother asking if he has changed his mind.

Step 22: Read his reply. He has not. DANG.

Step 23: Time for the big guns. Grab super strength sports bra, start to shimmy body into it, and realize that going to muscle failure is not a good idea if you have to struggle into additional bra.

Step 24: Stand in bedroom with arms stuck awkwardly in half of sports bra because you cannot move, and start to cry a little.

Step 25: Bite lip and yank sports bra down, passing out from pain and falling onto bed.

Step 26: Really really consider re-texting brother and bailing out on him from the comfort of your bed.

Step 27: Play out all scenerios of what your brother would do and/or say if you backed out now.

Step 28: Decide it’s better to just go through with step 1 and get it overwith.

Step 29: Dig Fila Body Toning Pants out of laundry pile and think how awesome these pants are, and how amazing they support your legs while running.

Step 30: Try to get pants on, and realize that due to bloating from step 2 in combination with hitting tricep muscle failure, this process of putting on compression pants is extremely difficult and fall back onto bed.

Step 31: Repeat step 26.

Step 32: Step 27.

Step 33: Step 28.

Step 34: Yank up Fila Body Toning Pants with much mumbling about “Big girl panties” “Yanking knickers from backside” and “Sucking it up.”

Step 35: Realize you didn’t pee first.

Step 36: Run to bathroom, pee, put on all appropriate things to deal with step 2.

Step 37: Repeat step 34.

Step 38: Announce to your family you are going to go run 3 miles tonight. Wait for reaction. Reaction of family is rather underwhelming.

Step 39: Watch your husband look you straight in the face and say “Why would you WANT to do that?” (He does not enjoy running at all. I don’t blame him.)

Step 40: Start to wonder why you want to run 3 miles.

Step 41:  Push aside any thoughts of chickening out and head out the door.

Step 42: Head back into house, realizing you forgot your MP3 player and search laundry pile for pair of gloves.

Step 43: Head back out of house.

Step 44: Start walking down to the corner where you are meeting your brother.

Step 45: Consider turning around for a brief moment until you see your brother walking towards you. Now you are committed.

Step 46: Meet with brother at corner. Say hello.

Step 47: Chit chat for a moment about how cold it is, and that you are scared you won’t make it because 3 miles is a LONG way to jog.

Step 48: Listen to brother admit he’s anxious about it too.

Step 49: Decide together to do the very best you can, no matter what happens.

Step 50: Take a deep breath, and run 3 miles.

Wasn’t that simple?