Wednesday, September 29

Ancient Chinese Secret

    There isn’t much of a secret here. Last night I ate Chinese food, and as my body always does, I gained 4 pounds magically overnight. I knew it was going to happen, so the joy of this post is that I mentally prepared for a major setback. However, if I keep my nose clean between now and Friday, those 4 pounds will disappear, just as magically as they showed up.
    When it comes to Chinese food, it’s all about the sodium. Which with my current condition (that would be PMS preparation mode- I’ll eat anything in sight until tomorrow) means mega water retention. Yippee skippy.
    So I thought that in the spirit of all things diet, I would share some tips on decreasing water retention in your own body to get you through the times of bloatation.
    1. Hysterectomy- if you are ready- but this is pretty radical.
    2. Replace all water in recipes with extra version Olive Oil. Your Crystal Light will taste funny, but you won’t hold the water in your tummy. This especially works well if you are taking Alli.
    3. Make it your goal to only eat out during this time of the month. The key is to make sure all the restaurants you choose are at least 10 miles from your house. Walking there for each meal will keep you from retaining water. If you are following the Dave Ramsey financial Peace University, meals out can also be replaced with brown bag lunches precariously placed around your town.
    4. Borrow 5 toddlers from your gal pals for a week and chase them around your house. (This is a “toddler mom approved” plan. They will finally shave their legs without an audience.)
    5. Fast for a week to pray for your diet.
    6. Offer to let your kids taste your food before you eat it. This works especially well if your kids have 4 legs and fur. Or 2 legs with really big mouths.
    7. Attempt to write a blog while your kids are on a break from school for 3 weeks. Your trips back and forth from your computer to the scene of various child infracted crime scenes will be a great boon to your diet. Make sure you wear a pedometer to document progress. I am currently at 7000 steps and only 392 words. That equals out to roughly 18 steps per word you type. I should have tried this YEARS AGO!!!
    8. And finally, keep bottles of midol and benadryl handy, to hand out to whomever is around. There is no shame in slipping your bickering children a midol and taking a nap yourself….


Katie said...

I HATE bloating!!! And Chinese does it to me every time!!! Or maybe it is the gallons of soy sauce I use? ;)

Leah said...

I wish I would have read this last week ;) Seriously though, isn't it crazy how much water your body can hold.

Josie said...

bloating is such a bitch! It's amazing how much sodium is in Chinese food. It's so good though! def. comforting around that time of the month : )

Anonymous said...

Must. Get. Pedometer. NOW!

You are hilarious, girl! :)

Anonymous said...

Extra Version Olive Oil?

I've heard of the Extra "Virgin" kind, not the other.

He-he. Made me laugh...

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