Thursday, September 2

The Dear John Letter

(This is an actual email I received yesterday.)

Dear Charlie:

We miss your online orders. What can we do to get you back? How about a special pizza deal just for you? ….. (continued to tempt me with pizza deal)

Charlie’s response-

Dear Dominos:

I know you miss my online orders. I miss them too. Cause for a while, all I could think about was my Mac and cheese sauced pasta breadbowl with onions, bacon, more cheese and slathered in garlic butter. I was "Fatal Attraction" obsessed.

Here’s the thing, Dominos. I am still eating the bacon and onions and cheese. Just not with your pasta and breadbowl. Cause I’m doing this new low carb thing, and it’s actually working. In fact, yesterday I fit into a pair of jeans my friend Beth gave me that I haven’t fit into all summer. They are cut like a small 14, and I wasn’t able to button them 3 months ago when you and I were hooking up every few nights. (And for the record, Matt knew I was cheating. He could smell it a mile away. He just turned a blind eye to my food lust. He was trying to keep our marriage together and not let your breadbowls steal me away.)

Back to the jeans. So last night, a mere moment before leaving for church, I tried those jeans on, out of sheer lunacy. And you know what? Just a week after starting the low carb thing, THE JEANS FIT. And although I still am a bit chubby in the belly area, they made my butt look great.

YOU never made my butt look like that! In fact, my butt always looked worse after a night with you! Plus, I felt so guilty the next morning, sometimes it was unbearable. Because cheating on the diet was something I never intended to do. It just kinda happened. Probably because you were so intoxicating. I know it was wrong, but I will admit you were quite delicious to look at.

Maybe it was the sermon at church last night that got to me. We talked about wanting God more and more in our lives. And I remember that a long time ago, God told me the weight couldn’t go where He was wanting to take me. That was about the time you rolled off the prep line. And I fell for you- hook line and stinker. You were a great temptation to me, Breadbowl pasta.


I don’t want a life on the sidelines. I don’t want to be a fat wallflower anymore. I wanna be in the front row of the action. And you have to be thinny to push to the front of where I want to be. And becoming thinny takes sacrifice. Lots of lots of sacrifice. (And in the case of my low carb challenge, it takes bacon. Sweet glorious bacon…)

So I have to say goodbye. I almost wrote with a heavy heart I have to say goodbye, but my heart isn’t that heavy. In fact, it is starting to get excited about the changes I am seeing after only 4 days. It’s the jump start my body was begging for. The switch I so desperately needed flipped. It has happened. And when that switch has been flipped, it is easy to say no to you.

Goodbye, dear breadbowl pasta. I know we had lots of fun nights on the couch together. But now, I’m takin my bacon to hang out at the gym. And for long, sweat filled walks of passion. And the bacon thinks I look crazy good in my up to the neck swimsuit (to keep my 3 foot long boobs from floating to the surface. I’ve had enough floaters to last me for a while).

You can delete my number from your database. We are officially through.

Enjoy your future without me, and I hope your store doesn’t go bankrupt from my departure-



Untypically Jia said...

OMG, please tell me you actually sent that!

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

LOVE this!!!

Shrinking Mommy said...

you are so funny! I love your writings!

Vee said...

I'm waiting for my own dear john letters from a certain oriental place, pizza hut, and jimmy john's subway sandwiches. They all delivered to us, but now that we live out in the boonies, they won't deliver out here.

Hmmm... wonder if that has anything to do with me losing weight?

Vee at

Angela Pea said...

Whoot!!! You should so totally send that to Dominos!

Jenn said...

I too had a love affair with Dominos Pasta Breadbowls. I can just taste it now. I had to give them up too.

Great always make me laugh out loud!

Jenn K said...

What a great letter..So true and so funny. I have a bread lust too and you are doesn't help the waist.

Courtney said...

My love affair with Domino's ended when they changed their crust. Though, I will do a 2md for $6 occasionally, and if the 20min drive seems worth it to not have to cook. I, too, live out in the boonies of no delivery.

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

That is classic!

I just read "I'm With Fatty", a new weight loss memoir. He writes very humorously about the Chinese place and ice cream place he used to frequent and how they missed him and how they reunited after he fell off the wagon.

Stephanie said...

OMG! I love that!! LOL! I have a very sordid love affair with pizza. It's unnatural. LOL!

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

That is fantastic!!! I could write one of those for a dozen places and products. I so hope you actually sent that and gave them a good laugh.

I have actually never had one of those pasta breadbowls. I can only imagine how lucious they are!! And only imagine, I will. No way will I eat that many carbs in one meal!! You rock!

Gina Covello said...

Gosh, I'm glad I never tasted those bread bowls. I think they came out when I was already on the low-carb diet.

I had to write a similar Dear John letter when I was in a weight management program dealing with my issues. Mine was to ice cream.

Keep up the good work! Congrats on your skinny jeans!

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