I admit it. Ever since last month, with the weird mystery positive pregnancy test, I kept hoping. I keep the mustard seed of belief that maybe- just maybe- this next girlie cycle would roll around and we would find out that that it finally happened and the mystery test was right. Especially considering the time frame.
This last weekend was the of the anniversary of the death of Matt's twins. He was in a relationship back before we met, she got pregnant, and the twins didn't make it to full term and passed away the same day they were born. We always remember the kids, and have visited their grave several times.
Also, on September 11th of 2001, I discovered I was pregnant with Tim. Later that morning the whole world fell apart when the attacks on the towers came to pass. It was the last time I realized I was pregnant, so it has been burned into my memory as both a joyous day and a day of sorrow.
So when mother nature came at me on Friday- in full force- I was something you might want to call DISAPPOINTED. Because the thing about me is I know that odds can be defied. I know that miracles happen right when you think your heart is going to bust. If the miracle doesn't happen then, it means your heart is stronger than you thought.
This weekend, I was determined to lean on the fact I was stronger than I thought. Strength is something you don't know you have till it's tested. Instead of spending the weekend moping around, as you might expect to happen, we decided to laugh.
What I can say is that the most wonderful thing happened. Matt and I reconnected in such a deep way that our relationship is forever changed for the better.
It started when we were going to take a walk to the store. We got ready, and decided that we needed more than a few items than we could carry on a walk. Plus, some of the items we needed to get were at Walmart. So we hopped in the car and went.
There is something magical about 2 parents with no kids cruising Walmart like teenagers. We looked at things we don't normally have time to look at (kitchen small appliances- BLISS!) and even tried on sunglasses like dorky people. We held hands in the aisles, and we talked. Not just about the kids, but about our dreams and desires for our life together. We got some McDonald's (I got a grilled southwest salad, Matt got a crazy sized burger and fries- I tasted neither of his items) and we came home and watched Date Night. (Very funny movie, if you haven't seen it.)
The couple in the movie was so dorky and uncomfortable, it reminded us of US. And we loved at the ending. We laughed our way through the movie, and giggled like girls at a sleepover the rest of the night. Laughing until our sides hurt. Laughing till we cried. Laughing until the pain of the weekend was far behind us.
I didn't exercise quite like I wanted too, but I wouldn't trade that intimately close time with my husband for the world. Times like that make us better parents. Better people. Better humans in general. No amount of weight loss could have made me happier than that time with him.
Because when it all comes down to the end, as I lay on my proverbial death bed, I'm not going to wish I had spent more time in isolation exercising and dieting. I'm not going to wish I had given up months in misery to be a few pounds lighter.
I'm going to remember the times I spent time with my family. When we laughed instead of crying. When we drew closer to one another in times of need and supported one another. When we found our cups overflowing with joy.
If you strip away the labels of fat and water aerobics and calories, you will discover that "dieter" is not WHO you are. It's WHAT you are. Dieting is not supposed to be something that keeps you from being WHO you are. It's helping change WHAT you are. Deep down inside, we are people. People with faults and issues and hurts. People who are doing our best to live in a world where we need food to live. It's not something we can ever escape. All we can do is make as many good choices as we can.
I love the story of "How the grinch stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss. It shows that when all the Christmas trees and lights and gifts are gone, the spirit of Christmas still remains. The residents of Whoville can't have their joy taken away. No matter how much the grinch takes, he can't break the residents of Whoville.
When it comes to dieting, we all have a choice. We can be like the grinch and take away everything on the outside. We can remove the calories and temptations and do our best to "break" our own will. Or we can realize that WHO we are deep inside isn't changed by twinkle lights on the scale. In fact, if we lose the scale, we find that life is still worth living right at that moment. No matter what size we are.
I am so happy to tell you that this weekend was a big break through for me, personally. I realized that the thing that is most important to me is spending time with my family. Showing them that although I act some days as though I am a slave to the diet, THEY are more important to me. The moments with my kids, sharing oreos and milk and talking, are worth the hit I will take on the scale tomorrow. Because tomorrow will always be there, ready for me to have a dieting fresh start. But those precious moments with my kids and husband? They may not be there tomorrow.
So my unsolicited advice about the diet? I know we want to lose weight. It's important to us all. But don't miss the small moments of wonder. Don't be your own diet grinch and make your life unbearable. There is ALWAYS room to celebrate who you really are.
Take it from the residents of Whoville.
tales of the cupcake part one
2 days ago