1. Wake up at the butt crack of dawn to get kids off to school (with a pit stop at the toilet to pee).
2. Prepare coffee and while the machine is running, strip down in your kitchen and weigh yourself to see the number 170.0, trying not to get irritated that you are so close to the land of 160’s.
3. Get kids off to school.
4. Decide that since you have nothing else to do besides cleaning the house and trying to re-inflate a flat tire by hand, your best bet is to crawl back into bed for another hour or 2…
5. Or 3….
6. Or 4….
7. You finally decide at the crack of noon to pull yourself out of bed and get moving.
8. Rewarm up coffee in kitchen that is now cold.
9. Go back to the bathroom to pee again.
10. Go ahead and strip while sitting on the toilet. This saves time.
11. Streak buck nekked into the kitchen (even though no one else is home you do it fast) and start to weigh yourself.
12. Before stepping on the scale to weigh, remember the last time you weighed and the old scale showed 169 and when you came back to re-weigh with your camera on the ready it refused to show 169 again. In fact, you had apparently gained 2 pounds from walking into the living room to grab your iPhone and breathing while doing it. Laugh because this incident caused you to purchase a “new reliable” scale that turned out to be slightly less evil than the last evil scale.
13. Decide before you even step foot onto scale that Iphone needs to be at the ready.
14. Go to bedroom to track down iPhone lost in blankets from you snoozing through your alarm for 2 hours.
15. Find iPhone and set it to camera mode while walking back to kitchen.
16. Step on a nice wet hairball Puppy the cat has left in your path on the way to the kitchen.
17. Grab Matt’s freshly washed sweatshirt and get nastiness off of your foot and squat down to wipe up hairball, paying close attention to super hangy boobs that defy gravity by touching the floor while you squat down.
18. Remember the days when your boobs were up where they were supposed to be and giggle. They were amazing for 2 years. Then you had kids.
19. Realize that you are sitting in the middle of your living room stark naked with your boobs close to the ground wiping the floor and holding your iPhone and laughing. This qualifies you as crazy.
20. Stand up, thus redeeming sanity. Sort of.
21. Go back to kitchen with nasty sweatshirt in your hand and toss it down the basement steps.
22. Look ominously at slightly less evil scale, WILLING it to be kind.
23. Set iPhone, cocked and loaded to take pictures for proof, on counter in front of you so the weight of the iPhone (all 4 ounces) will not be counted in official weigh in.
24. Recheck body to make sure NOTHING is clinging to you that could cause extra weight.
25. Take a deep breath.
26. Blow it out. Holding air in does not make you lighter. You have already determined that during a previous experiment.
27. Kick scale. (it’s the only way to turn the sucker on- honest!)
28. Wait for the all 8s to turn into a 0.
29. Step on.
30. Wait the freaking eternity for the scale to do it’s sorcery and give you a number.
31. See the number 169.8
32. Quickly grab the iPhone and squat down to capture the weight on camera.
33. Squat down further and take secondary photo, just to make sure you got it.
34. Jump off scale and feel light as a feather.
35. RACE TO FACEBOOK to share your good fortune.
36. Start to upload photos of proof that you weigh 169 and realize at the last second that your pictures of your scale has some weird shadows on it.
37. Stop upload of photos at the last second.
38. Upload your photos on main computer with bigger monitor and look at weird shadows.
39. REALIZE that the sleek black glass on the scale works exactly like a mirror.
40. REALIZE that you were squatting buck nekked on the scale while taking pictures.
41. REALIZE YOU ALMOST POSTED PICTURES OF YOUR HOO-HOO ON FACEBOOK.
42. Carefully crop pictures so that you eliminate all outlines of your womanhood and lady pelt.
43-49. After re-checking photo 5 more times, go ahead and upload this photo on Facebook.