Have you seen this show on TLC yet?
The strangest addictions you have ever seen. Women who carry puppets 24/7, the girl who eats laundry detergent, one who eats toilet paper…
(looks to the right, then the left, and leans in for dramatic effect)
I have a strange addiction too.
Only mine isn’t poo-pooed on by society and given a show so people can stare without feeling guilty. Nope, I’m bringing you into the know before it comes to that. You can look without guilt and learn from my mistake.
I WEIGH MYSELF.
We are not talking every day. We are talking after I eat, after I pee, when I wake up, right before I go to bed, after I poo… you name the occasion, I weigh in on it.
Clothed, unclothed, with shoes, without shoes, with cameras in hand, with food in hand…
I am addicted to my scale and weighing myself. Somedays 10 or 15 times.
I don’t tell you this to convince you I am crazy. Ya’ll already know that I am certifiable. And I appreciate your unconditional love.
But when it comes to the scale, only my family has watched me tumble down the rabbit hole of addiction. They see me step on, step off, kick it, move it and step back on again. 5 times in a row. It’s complete insanity.
It didn’t start off that way. I remember a time when I was terrified to get on the scale even once a week. I would throw up from nervousness. But somewhere in the victory of losing, I took it a step too far. I got crazy wanting knowing how certain foods affected my weight throughout the day.
Part of my obsession stems from being open and public about my weight. I feel a certain sense of accountability towards “weight loss” because that’s what we all expect to happen. If you diet (or lifestyle change, whatever you call it) folks expect you to lose weight. Otherwise it gets kinda boring to keep reading about it. But is that really what the diet hokey-pokey is all about?
Here’s the thing. When people ask me about the diet, they don’t ask about my cholesterol, blood pressure or blood sugar. They don’t ask about my stamina increasing. They don’t even ask about inches or sizes I’ve shrunk.
They only ask one question.
HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST?
Society doesn’t care about fitness. It cares about the number at the bottom of the journey.
To be honest, that was all I ever cared about too. Sure the inches lost were great, but I really cared about the POUNDS. Those stupid little hash marks I could check off. My self-esteem (closely tied to my progress regarding the pounds) lived and died by the numbers.
That is, until I read THIS POST. Seriously, go read it. Like RIGHT NOW. (But then come back, cause I’m not done running my mouth yet.)
Did you read it? Did you see?
Her numbers stayed practically the same (within 3 pounds), but her pants size went from a 10 to almost a 4. SHE GOT CLOSE TO A FREAKING SIZE 4, PEOPLE!
All at the same weight.
Part of me wants to apologize for the obsessive behavior I have so publically modeled. And I will. I'm sorry, guys. I didn’t know I was doing it. I didn’t realize what was going on in my head.
Until the girl from Sparkpeople gave me a Thinnervention that turned my world
Up. Side. Down.
While I do not think my bad habit of insanely weighing myself a brazillion times a day requires therapy (oh, I probably need therapy, but not for THAT!) I do think it requires some drastic action.
Like ripping up the manual of everything I ever thought about the end result of dieting.
Am I only losing weight to feel thinner according to an archaic BMI calculator? (Seriously, people, our health care system is going to be based on a chart made by a guy born in the 1700’s. But that’s a whole other blog post.)
Or am I doing this so I feel good and like myself inside and out more than I did when 238 pounds?
My fellow Fitbloggin speaker and friend Karen , (she is good at helping create a-ha moments like the one I am experiencing tonight), Karen gave up the scale a while ago. Wanna know what she thinks about it?
Well over a year ago I decided to stop weighing myself because every time I got on the scale I felt like it had the power to dictate whether or not I was going to have a good day. When I gave it up, I started to feel better, emotionally. And what has unfolded since then is nothing short of amazing.
One thing I have done is measure my waist, but only when the spirit moves me. In the past year I've lost six inches from my waist and I am down two sizes in clothing. But even that is arbitrary. Sometimes I "feel fat" because I am bloated due to hormones or "that time of the month" but even that isn't an accurate portrayal of my health or fitness. Something else I've done is to stop comparing myself to others. I am me and that's all that matters!
The more I embrace that, the better I feel, the better choices I make, the gentler I am with myself and my body responds in kind. Might others look at me and make judgements? Might they say something like, "her tummy is a little flabby" or " her arms could be more toned"? For sure! But who can live up to the images we see in the media? Which aren't even real??? I say better to feel freaking fantastic in my own imperfect but healthy skin!
I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE THE SCALE OWNS MY FATAZZ. If this situation continued to go on, I would be a granny in a wheelchair with a scale tucked under her booty in the seat. Or dancing at my kids’ weddings, but only on 1 square foot of ground that my scale took up cause I'd be dancing on it.
Ya know, this whole thing kinda pisses me off.
I haven’t come this far to be a slave to a little box with batteries in it!
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!
(this appears to be my mantra this week)
My scale is down in the scary basement as we speak. Call it drastic action, call it PMS, but something inside me CRACKED tonight. And I clearly see that I cannot live like this anymore. So I am going to weigh myself only on the 1st of the month. THAT’S IT. I figure it gives me 12 days to pull it together (it being sense in my head) and break this bad habit. And then February is a short month. After that, I will feel so good (hopefully) it won’t be an issue any longer.
And I just took my measurements the other night. I’m posting those too today. Cause I’m proud. It’s ok to look at what you’ve accomplished. But I’m going to start leaning on how I feel instead of what I weigh.
The scales have been removed from my eyes, folks. Let’s hope it stays that way.
(all starting measurements were taken after I had lost the first 16 pounds on 1/30/2009- I was too chicken to measure before I lost some weight. ROTFL)
Starting Bust: 51.5
Current Bust: 43
Total bust inches lost? 8.5 (which is why my boobs are now 3 feet long)
Starting Chest: 43
Current Chest: 35.5
Total chest inches lost? 7.5
Starting Waist: 45.5
Current Waist: 34.75
Total waist inches lost? 10.75
Starting Hips: 51.5
Current Hips: 41.5
Total hip inches lost? 10
Starting Midway (between the waist and hips): 48
Current Midway: 42.5
Total Midway inches lost? 5.5
Starting Thighs: 27
Current Thighs: 22.5
Total inches lost? 4.5
Starting Knees: 15.75
Current Knees: 13.25
Total inches lost? 2.5
Starting Calves: 15
Current Calves: 14
Total inches lost? 1
Starting Upper Arm (aka the batwings): 16
Current Upper Arm: 13.5
Total inches lost? 2.5
Starting Forearms: 10.5
Current Forearms: 9
Total inches lost? 1.5
Total inches lost overall since 1/30/2009?
Yep. My scale can suck it. I’m kicking butt.