Bath and (Charlie's) Body Works

My poor walking group.

They have to deal with loud mouth Charlie. And pee-nut Charlie. And too lazy to put concealer on Charlie. But they deal with me.

Before I begin disparaging myself, I better update you on my list.

1. No coffee after 2pm. I actually ended up drinking coffee till about 4 (but only because I had to deal with kids and enforcing a chore chart) but had lots of water. Hence, the conclusion story of the post today.

2. Drink more water. At least a half gallon a day. CHECK!

3. FOLD MY LAUNDRY. I only got a load folded. I will be watching a movie later on and doing nothing but folding! However, you can now step on 80% of my living room floor without tripping!

4. Take a vitamin. (Did that.) (Gotta do that again today…)

5. Make 3 healthy choices about food. I chose water over orange juice, did NOT stop at McDonalds after walking group (don’t look at me like you’ve never done something like that) and did NOT eat an entire sleeve of Oreos. I only had 4. That is an accomplishment in itself. And they weren’t even double stuffed. (Otherwise I would have eaten a whole sleeve!)

6. Find my treadmill under the laundry that is spilling over from the loveseat.
Location: Still Unknown…

7. Take weights tonight to walking group. Did that. Paying for it today too! I couldn't pick my nose if I tried!

8. Go to walking group early and get in few more laps. Did that also. Walking group starts at 8. I went with Tricky Nikki at 7. And we walked our little tooshies off.

9. Do something wonderful and unexpected for Matt. Love notes on Facebook. Can’t beat that!

10. Write one encouraging email complete with scriptures. Still working on that… but one of you may be getting an email soon!

OK, quickly, I want to announce that Matt and I are a couple of proud new uncles and aunts. Matt’s sister gave birth yesterday to little Lexi! 8 pounds, 13 ounces. 21 inches! (I know! OURCH!!!) Mama and baby are doing great, and Daddy Mikey-Mikey is most likely hanging on for dear life, cause little girls will do that to ya. Big brother Lucas is very excited about Thomas the train. Excited about Lexi? Notsomuch. (Can you blame him? He’s 3!) But isn’t Little Lexi a vision?

OK, so last night at walking group (see? I eventually get around to my original points!) Tricky Nikki and I went early. Which was good. We needed some girl time, just the two of us. By 8, Kara showed up, then James (he’s like my little brother) came as soon as he was done eating at the Deeeee-Lux. (Oh heavens, that is the only place I will EVER eat fish. Cause they will deep fry anything you ask them too. Yummy. It doesn’t even taste like fish anymore!)

Now, I had purchased something at Bath and Body Works for my Grandma before I started walking, and they agreed to hold it at the counter for me till I was done. So after the group march, Nik mentioned that she was going to hit the restrooms before heading home. I said “Yeah, I should do that too!” But did I? Please, you all know the answer to that already.

N-O-P-E.

I foolishly waddled to the van with James and Kara, and Nikki calls my cell phone. She says “Hey, don’t forget your Grandma’s stuff!”

CRAP!

So James offers to walk me back in. And I am so thankful he did…because by the time I picked up Gma’s bag, I was not going to make it back out to the van. In fact, I barely made it to the women’s restroom.

WHICH WAS CLOSED FOR CLEANING.

I shot a look at Nikki, who laughs and said “They weren’t cleaning it a second ago!”

I had but brief moments to assess the situation.

Steps to the mall restaurant bathroom from current location? TOO MANY.

Steps to the men’s restroom? THREE.

So James went in there, made sure it was all clear, and I raced in to pee. Ahem. Finish peeing. (Thank you, baby Jesus, for Poise pads!) Frustrating thing about the men’s bathrooms at our mall- they are not built for women. I don’t know if you were aware of that. Urinals aside, their stalls are narrow. I think this is because 99% of men in our locale do not carry purses or diaper bags.

So as I was reaching for toilet paper, I cracked my elbow on the metal box that keeps the TP under padlock and key, cried out in pain (cause hitting your funny bone is never as funny as they make it out to be…) and then stood up to get the heck outta there. It smells funny in the men’s room. As I stood up and unlocked the door, the metal door came flying back at my face and smacked me square on the corner of my glasses, shoving them into my eyeball.

By then I was terrified to even wash my hands for fear of causing an apocalyptical flood (cause by that point, I felt like I was being punished for being in the inner sanctum of masculinity at the finest retail outlets Danville has to offer…) so I grabbed the Sweat Pea antibacterial gel I carry in my walking fanny pak (you think I mean sweet pea? C’mon! I had been walking for two hours!) (and we will discuss the fanny pak at a later date. It's not bedazzled or anything. Plain black.) and skedaddled out of there. James and Nikki were guarding the door, laughing, but I didn’t care. I got to pee. And in usual Charlie Fashion- I really didn’t care where.

(Places Charlie has peed: Outside (done more than pee outside), on trees, in a coffee can while riding in a van, in cups, bowls, an old Big Gulp container, on broken porch swings, men’s restrooms, in the jungle of Haiti, and once in a parking garage in Arizona. I was 6 months preggers, and NO ONE had a public restroom. So I peed there. Which was great till a voice came over the intercom saying “This is NOT A PUBLIC URINAL! STOP PEEING!” Like I am able to stop it once it has started… Silly parking garage monitor!)

So that’s the story. The moral?

Go when you can. Pee-Lieve me!