I hope that you can forgive me for being so blatantly absent this weekend from the blog. With the rehearsals for “Talley’s Folly” becoming more regular, and me working for my grandma 3 times a week- and me being without Ambien till tomorrow afternoon… I have been nothing short of crabby, sarcastic, and frustrated.
And I admit that would have made for some great blog posts!
Nevertheless, I felt it was prudent to step back for a few days and not to bring you into the drama of my life over the last 4 days. Cause no sense getting me and you all riled up. Me being out of sorts was enough.
So. Here’s the point of all that:
Matt and I had a fight yesterday.
Which is pretty epic. I can say in all honesty that we have one good fight about every 3-4 months. It’s rare. And I love that about us. Having been married before where fights were everyday, it’s a nice change of pace to have fights not be the norm of day to day existence.
More importantly than the frequency of our fights, is the WAY we fight. I’m not bragging here, but need to illustrate that this is a good way to face dieting. So I’m going to give you a preview of how we bicker with each other.
Charlie says something erroneous. Matt looks at Charlie with laughter in his eyes. Charlie gets frustrated because Matt is laughing. Matt realizes that this is an issue which needs discussion. Ground rules are then laid. No yelling. No screaming. We sit on the couch, facing one another, and take turns. If someone is missing something important, the other person has to repeat it till they understand exactly what they mean. We don’t take cheap shots at one another, but discuss things fairly calmly until we come to an understanding. If Charlie starts to cry, Matt is required to hold her immediately. Discussion continues while Charlie is bawling into Matt’s chest hair, wetting it with tears and snot. (It’s hard to be mad when the man you love is holding you in his arms loving on you, even though he’s frustrated too.) Then Matt and Charlie remind one another of why they are in love, and say nice things. Matt says something profound about Charlie, and Charlie realizes what a dunce she has been. All is forgiven and we are then free to enjoy the next 3 to 4 months fight free.
That’s pretty much how it happens. No attempts to knock the wind out of the other guy’s sails, no pulling the rug out from the other person- just an honest look of how the things we do make the other person feel. Then once we completely understand what the issue is, we fix it. We fix it for good. There may be some gentle reminders of the actions we need to take to fix it, but we don’t need to have another fight about it again.
How in the heck does that relate to dieting???
OK, we will start from the top. “Charlie says something erroneous.” Something like “I can’t lose weight. I’m stuck. I can’t do this anymore.” Anyone else been there?
Sensible Charlie (who is the part of me that is mousey and often gets overshadowed by gregarious Charlie) laughs softly and says “Look at what you have already done! You CAN lose weight, you HAVE lost weight, and you are being ridiculous!”
Charlie says “This is serious! I always think I have turned over a new leaf and can do it, but it’s too hard! This particular weight I am stuck on (which is 170-174) is refusing to drop! I’m seriously considering cutting my losses and just staying here so I can enjoy a (insert expletive here) FRENCH FRY!!!”
Sensible Charlie understands that this is serious. Of all the things Charlie can do, giving up is the last thing she SHOULD do. “I know, I understand this is how you feel. But it’s not so bad. I think the problem is (and this is a verbatim quote from Matt during our fight yesterday) you give these great emotional speeches about how you have seen the light, and why things are going to be different this time. Then you get busy, get sore from working out, or get wrapped up in things that you have blown up in your head, and forget about the light you said you just saw!”
(And for the record, Matt knows me better than I know myself. I am a sucker for a good inspirational speech!)
Charlie says “I do THAT?”
Sensible Charlie says “Yes, you do. Everytime! But that’s the part of you that is so tender. You want to find hope. You can see a good inspiration from a mile away! But when push comes to shove, you look the other way and ignore the lessons you have learned.”
Charlie says “I do THAT TOO?”
Sensible Charlie shakes her head and smiles. Then she looks Charlie straight in the eyes and says (and this is another direct quote from Matt yesterday) “Your problem is that you can fly. But you don’t know that you can.”
This is the point in the fight with myself that if I had chest hair, I would bury myself in it and bawl. Because Matt sees that about me. Sensible Charlie sees that about me. Yet I can’t see that about myself. What’s up with that???
Truth be told, I’m just scared. I know, I have talked about this till I am blue in the face, and I’m afraid you are all sick of hearing about it. But it’s the gospel truth, and I can’t move forward till I understand this completely. I am scared. I am scared. I am scared.
I’m terrified, really.
Of what? Of being thin. Of doing what I say I’m going to do. Of not having any excuses why I am not doing something wonderful and great with my life. Of getting really close to the end and then getting the rug pulled out from under me and failing so close to the finish line.
I think it would be different if I had been thin during a portion of my life, but I haven’t. I’ve always been Fat Charlie. I’ve never had the chance to meet Thin Charlie. I’m worried I will turn into one of those snobby people who doesn’t understand what being thin is like.
I once had a friend in school that lost a bunch of weight. After she did, our friendship became distant. I felt like she was judging me with contempt. She was successful, so why wasn’t I reaching for the stars too? We’ve never been able to get back to the close friendship we once had.
Of course that’s not my only fear. But it’s a biggie. I like change. But only so much of it. I can handle things up to a point. But there ALWAYS comes a time when I say “enough” and pull myself away.
I am standing on the edge of the diet “ENOUGH” right now, and I am desperately trying to look for an escape. I’m not going to. I’m not going to quit, I promise. But this blog is about utter honesty, and I will not keep ANY TRUTH from you. We are fighting this battle together, and that means that you all get to see the ugly. (And oh, is it ever ugly!)
Truth is, regardless of past headway we have made- I feel like a failure right now. I haven’t lost a pound. I’ve gained a bit, but am holding on to my 174. Not good. Not good at all. And so I feel like the biggest hypocrite writing to you about the wonderful changes and attitudes of weight loss and how to achieve it. Because I am not achieving it myself. So I feel like a loser. And not in a good way.
How in the world do I get past this?
A. I have got to accept that my body is comfortable here in the land of 170s and it’s not going to move down without a fight. A BIG FIGHT. So I need to get ready for that fight.
B. I have got to understand that dieting is as much about losing weight as it is about losing the strongholds of my mental attitudes. I think, therefore I am. If I think I am stuck, I will be stuck. I have got to break free from that negative mentality.
C. I have got to remember that I am surrounded by a group of women I cannot live without, who are cheering me on, and reminding me with every blog hit that I can fly. I just don’t know it.
D. I have got to learn how to fly.
E. I need to start my period and take some Midol so I don’t get whiney like this. It happens every month.
There’s my crazy, sweet friends. I have no idea why ya’ll keep reading this blog when I get like this. But thank you for sticking with me. Your support of my journey puts another feather in my wings. And it gets me one foot further off the ground.
Sulking less and less with every word-