Another One Bites The Dust

I am changing names to protect the innocent.

Today I went back to Dr. Cableblue, my new dentist. This is approximately 3 times in the last month that I have gone to the dentist. Before that, I went when I was 16.


That was the last time till now.


Yep. We are talking a 16 year span of what Dr. Cableblue kindly called “home management.” I am terrified of the dentist. More scared of a DDS than rats, dogs and drowning combined.


What was horrific about today was that I, having an unreasonable fear of drowning, feel the need to continually swallow, lest I drown in my own saliva. And because I was getting one of the white fillings, I could not swallow for one whole minute so the epoxy or acrylic or whatever it is could set.


I would like to address what went through my head during that one minute of not swallowing.


Seconds 1-10: This isn’t so bad! I have my MP3 player in one ear, I can’t feel a thing, and the noise isn’t so bad if I crank up the MP3 to the max level and blow out my eardrum. Charlie, you are conquering your fears of dentistry! Way to go, kid! Oh dear, there is a little liquid collecting at the back of my mouth. Don’t swallow, OK? You can do this.


Seconds 11-20: Seems like I ought to be pretty close to getting to one minute now. I just need to remember to breathe through my nose, not my mouth. When did I become a mouth breather, anyway? When I kiss Matt, I breathe through my nose, right? What if I have been breathing into him and he is totally grossed out by it? Goodness, how DO I kiss him? I better think about this- kinda like this?


(At which point I am French kissing Dr. Cableblue’s finger. His eyes got a little wide)


Seconds 21-30: ACT COOL, Charlie, I’m sure that it’s not the first time that has happened to him. He knows how hard this is for you, and he’s a good sport. Plus, you are so close to being done, and by the time you come back to him, he will have forgotten that you just accidentally erotically licked his finger because you were trying to distract yourself from not swallowing. Oh my GOSH! I HAVE TO SWALLOW!


Seconds 31-40: Think about something else, ANYTHING but swallowing. I wonder if he’s gonna write this on my chart. I wonder how many people drown from the dribble of water they put in the back of your mouth? His assistant isn’t even doing that part right now, it’s just me and Dr. Cableblue’s finger and a piece of cotton. If I accidently inhaled the piece of gauze stuck in my mouth, what would happen? Would I be able to cough it back up? Would I be able to poop it out if I can’t? What happened to all the gum that I swallowed in Jr High? I should have pooped that out already, right? If not, I should be dropping at least 5 pounds soon. It was a lot of gum I swallowed. SWALLOW! DON’T SWALLOW!


Seconds 41-50: Dear Lord, I know I just watched 2012, and that movie showed these awful scenes of people getting swept up in a tsunami. Does it feel like this? And then they had that horrible water scene where John Cusack is under there for 4 minutes trying to fix the gate and save mankind as we know it. I always try to hold my breath during underwater scenes. I remember watching this movie as a kid where kids got kidnapped on a school bus, and they were locked in a cave, and the only way out was to swim under a tunnel. That’s when it started, me holding my breath along with the movie just to see if I can do it. I never can.


Seconds 51-60: OH MY GOSH, I forgot to breathe! BREATHE, WOMAN, BREATHE! MUST NOT SWALLOW MUST NOT SWALLOW MUST BREATHE MUST BREATHE......


And that’s when it happened.


I BIT Dr. Cableblue’s finger.


HARD.


It was an accident, I promise. He kind of joked it off and said he still had 9 more. But I felt terrible.

Really really really bad.

So Dr. Cableblue- this impromptu song is for you. And your finger. I have on mo makeup yet and my lip is still numb, but my heart is sincere.